Cowboy Take Me Away(93)
“I’m gone during the day but I’m here at night. Every night. But you head out to the bar before I get back.” She tried to contain her anger. “Do you do that on purpose? Because it’s such a chore to hang out with me and you’d rather be with your bar buddies than your wife? If you wanted to lead the partying and fighting lifestyle, why did you marry me?”
Another hard glare.
“What do you think people are saying, with you being out at the bars alone?”
“I don’t give a damn what other people think.”
“That’s apparent because everyone thinks we’re on the verge of divorce.” She swallowed her rising tears. “How long before you find some woman…or have you already—”
“Goddammit, Carolyn, don’t you go there. I made a vow to you and by God, I’m gonna keep it.”
“Why? We never should’ve gotten married because we’re both miserable.” She shook her head. “I can’t do this anymore.”
In an instant Carson’s hands were around her biceps and he loomed over her. “Don’t you even think about walkin’ out on me.”
“But—”
“No, you will talk to me before you take a single step toward that door.” He closed his eyes for several long seconds. “Please. Tell me what in the hell is goin’ on with you. I hear you cryin’ in the night, Caro, and it rips me in two. I hate that I’m the cause of them tears.”
“You’re not the sole reason for my tears, Carson.” She took a deep breath and asked God to forgive her for breaking a promise. “I’ve been keeping something from you.”
“What?”
“The reason I’m spending so much time with my mom…” Her voice broke. “…is because she’s d-dying.”
All the anger bled from his eyes. “What?”
“She’s been going downhill for months. I found out late last summer she had about a year to live.”
“Last summer?” he bellowed. “Why am I only hearing about this now?”
“Because that’s how she wants it.” She closed her eyes. “Thomas told me right before he left for Denver. My dad made me promise I wouldn’t tell anyone. Not my brothers, not Kimi, not my Aunt Hulda.” She looked at Carson. “Not even you.”
“How bad is it?”
“The arthritis has gotten into her lungs.” She blew out a breath. “She can’t go into a nursing home for a number of reasons.”
“So that left you, Carolyn the dutiful daughter, to see to your mother’s needs as she’s dyin’. And that lets your father off the hook to care for his wife on her deathbed. He can just skip off to work, knowin’ you’re shouldering the burden. And you’re keeping her secret from your siblings, which means they ain’t lifted a single finger to help you care for her, have they.”
The way he phrased it didn’t make her sound noble, but like a chump. A doormat.
“So you’ve taken this whole weight on yourself for the past few months.”
She nodded.
Carson started to pace. “In the fall I knew you were busy clearing out the gardens and canning, and I had to deal with sortin’ and shippin’ cattle. But after the first snowfall you kept goin’ over to your mom’s and I thought…”
“What?”
“That you regretted marryin’ me so quickly. So I took to feelin’ sorry for myself. Thinkin’ booze would numb the pain. And if that didn’t work, I used my fists.”
“Carson. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. What I meant when I said I couldn’t do this? I’m scared I’m losing you. You deserve so much more than the little you’ve been getting from me. Things are slipping out of my control and everything is falling apart and it’s too late…”
That’s when she started to cry. For the secrets, for the misunderstandings, for the lies they told themselves and each other. For the realization she’d fallen into the pattern of her parents’ marriage: no communication, keeping her mouth shut and not causing any strife. Turning away from her husband instead of relying on him. Half-wondering if her father had manipulated her, knowing that keeping such a big secret would cause problems with her new husband.
“Please let me be what holds you together.” Carson crushed her against him. “It’s not too late—never too late for us. We’ll get through this together, like we should’ve from the start.”
“I love you,” she whispered against his throat. “So much.”