“They’re leaving for Montana tomorrow. It’s a good fit for them up there. Especially after all that happened.”
His gaze moved to hers.
Anguish distorted her face. “You know, don’t you?”
“About Casper secretly beatin’ the fuck outta Dalton? Yeah. Charlie told me and Cal.”
“Does Carolyn know?”
Carson shook his head. “Charlie debated on even tellin’ us. I didn’t talk to my kids about it. Neither did Cal. We figure if Dalton wants people to know, it’s his business to tell them, not ours or anyone else’s.”
Relief swam in her eyes. But it was there and gone. “I didn’t know it was going on. And I’m sure you’re thinking, how could she not know what was happening with her own children? Living in the same house…”
“You don’t gotta explain or defend yourself to me, Joan.”
“Why not?”
“Because it ain’t my place to judge. There’s a lot of guilt to go around. If I hadn’t been so pissed off at Casper about ranch stuff, I might’ve recognized the signs. Me’n Cal and Charlie. We didn’t. We were too wrapped up in our own lives. If not for Luke callin’ us out, things would’ve stayed the same.”
Joan looked confused. “What did Luke do?”
“He said just because Casper was an asshole didn’t automatically make his sons assholes. They worked hard and had as much McKay blood as their cousins—our sons—did. Casper kept them out of the loop on ranch happenings and Luke asked that one of us keep at least him apprised of what was goin’ on so they didn’t look like lazy idiots.”
“How old was Luke?”
“Seventeen.”
She closed her eyes. “Luke wasn’t perfect, but I’d like to think he would’ve gotten his act together if he’d had more time. I miss him every day.” She sniffled and looked at Carson. “Sorry. Not exactly a happy topic.”
“No, it ain’t. But sometimes we gotta look back to go forward. Whatever mistakes you made, you’ve atoned for them from what I can see. It seems your sons have forgiven you or at least gotten to a place where the past don’t have a stranglehold. That says a lot about how you raised them and what kinda men they are.”
“Thank you. We’ve moved past a lot of it and I’m thankful every day my sons have their heritage as part of the McKay Ranch. If Casper had had his way…”
Carson’s gut clenched. “Yeah. I remember that time all too well. Though, I try not to think about it.”
“Casper had such extreme reactions when it came to death.” She paused. “How did he react after your mother died? He never spoke of it to me.”
They’d all been in shock. There was no sickness or downward health spiral like Carolyn’s mother. Helen McKay had been fine one day and dead the next. Their father had dealt with his devastation by working his sons even harder, so at age eighteen Carson and Cal bore the brunt of Jed’s grief.
“Casper simply shut down. He’d been closer to Ma than any of us. She let him get away with everything. She took Casper’s side even against our father’s.”
“But Charlie was the baby, and he was sickly, so I would’ve guessed he would be spoiled,” Joan said.
Carson shook his head. “As the oldest boys, me’n Cal knew Dad had greater expectations for us. He never expected much out of Casper because Ma made excuses for him. I think if she’d lived longer Casper wouldn’t have stayed on the ranch. He had aspirations to go to college but after Ma passed on he was lucky he graduated at all. Then he figured out he didn’t have to work very hard and he’d still get paid the same as the rest of us. By age twenty he was completely apathetic. After that he just got plain mean.”
“I’m familiar with his mean side. Whenever he was…annoyed with me, he’d say his mother never would’ve allowed him to marry me because she would’ve known I was a liar, and a whore who’d be a sorry excuse for a wife and a lousy mother.”
“How you stayed with him as long as you did…”
“I made the best of the situation. I’m not the first woman to do it, likely I won’t be the last. My sons gave me joy. And at times, they gave him joy too. It wasn’t all bad. I’m not making excuses or coloring the past as I’d like it to’ve been, but there were happy times in our house.” She stood. “This wasn’t what I had in mind when I decided to visit.”
“Joan, it’s fine. There’s never gonna be water under the bridge where Casper is concerned. For either of us.”