This time she didn't.
I was still sitting outside Walmart three hours later, when the tears started to roll down my face and the realization hit me that my mother wasn't coming back for me. I knew then that I had a decision to make. Should I try and look for my mother? Should I try and make my way back home? Or should I go inside and ask the sweet old woman for help?
I ate the last of my M&Ms while I thought things through and was able to arrive to my first of many future big boy decisions. I was going to figure out my way back home, with the vacuum cleaner in tow, and hoped that my mother would remember her way back home too.
Almost five hours later she did.
I'm lining up the peanut version of my favorite candy side by side on my smoked glass table, then eating only the yellow M&Ms. Yellow is Elizabeth's favorite color. Eating M&Ms to calm myself down is one of my go to rituals thanks to the kind woman I met many years ago. Making it yellow M&Ms is something I'm doing on the fly. Something that reminds me of the very person that has my insides all twisted in knots.
Elizabeth is all I can think about.
Her legs.
Her breasts.
Her laugh.
That ass.
I don't especially like that images of her are creeping around inside of my head, consuming my thoughts, but the fact remains that I brought all this shit on myself once I put my hands and mouth on her and my damn dick inside of her. I have no one to blame but my fucking self.
It's like a switch has been flipped on inside of me that I couldn't power off even if I wanted to. What I think I hate most about how I'm feeling is that it's all so new and foreign to me. This desire to always know where she's at, what she's doing, and how she's feeling is actually a big pain in my ass. That shit is for weak pussies. Not for men like me.
My old counselor would probably say I’m having an issue because I ‘don’t know how to interpret and control unfamiliar emotional responses’ or some such shit.
She was right about one thing. I do like control. I definitely like knowing exactly what I’m dealing with at all times. I don’t like surprises, and I don’t like chaos.
And while I'm sure it's no big deal in many circles that I have hooked up with a family member who is only my cousin by marriage, in my world it's a big fucking deal. It's messy.
None of my friends or family would ever understand this. In our world, she's still very much family. They'd probably come up with many creative names for what I am: perverted, distorted, warped, depraved, pathetic. I know this because I would probably think the same about someone close to me.
Problem is right now … I just don't give a fuck. And the only reason why I've been holding back as much as I have with Elizabeth is because I know that she definitely does give a fuck.
I've swallowed four Extra-Strength Excedrin and drank at least three highballs of Jack Daniels over the last hour, but my head is still fucking pounding and my gut is still wickedly churning. Probably because over the last twenty-four hours the same questions have been running through my head; gnawing at me.
What is Elizabeth doing? Who is she talking to? Why hasn't she returned my texts or calls? Is she okay? Is that prick Ethan in between her legs right now? Will Joseph be able to bail my ass out if I kill a motherfucker in the Bahamas?
I'm checking and cleaning the slide and barrel of my gun for the third time now, because it's one of my rituals, and also because I really want to figure out a seriously creative way to transport an unregistered gun across international waters and into Paradise Island. I'm not fucking playing. It's a good thing federal laws are in place to prevent me from actually acting on it. Of course no law will stop me from breaking Ethan's jaw.
I was already pissed when I discovered that Elizabeth left the country without even as much as a good-bye to me, but ever since Jade told me that Elizabeth's ex-boyfriend could possibly be exactly in the same place, I've been in a I want to kick someone's ass mode.
I want to break some shit up.
I'm pissed that Elizabeth is responsible for the state that I'm in, and once I calm myself down enough, I'm going to have to do something about this situation. I just have to be very careful about how I approach this. No one can know just how twisted up I am. I'm going to have to reign my crazy in, or it's going to look like I'm going ape-shit over my cousin, which I am, but that's besides the point.
"Earth to Roman." Jade speaks to me with the tone of a perturbed elementary school teacher as she taps me on the forehead. "I asked what the hell is wrong with you?"
"Why are you still here Jade?" For a minute I forgot she was even in my house.
“I literally just told you that your cousin who’s over a thousand miles away may be in some trouble. I've watched you zone out on me, play with your gun, and eat more yellow M&Ms than any one person should be allowed to over the last few minutes. What gives? You should be going all bad ass right about now. Calling in the troops. Making shit happen."