He told me what’s going on with me. It actually has a name and there are treatments for it, ones that have nothing to do with medication. He’s going to call me in a day or so with a plan moving ahead, but Kay, I’m happy because it means there’s hope. I’m going to be able to talk to you.
I didn’t tell you because it was something that I needed to do on my own. I didn’t even tell my mom. You have so much to worry about with the game; I didn’t want to take your focus away.
I’m sorry.
As much as it touches me, her thinking about me and what I need to do, she doesn’t have a sweet clue what actually matters to me these days. Football might have been my life before, but that was before she walked back into it. She isn’t my entire world, but she’s damn close.
If she’s facing something as big as what she just told me, the last thing I want is for her to go through it alone. I’m glad that it’s good news and trust me, seeing how hopeful and happy she is makes me happier than a pig in shit, but if it hadn’t been, she would have been completely alone, something I swore she would never be as long as I’m here.
“Belle...you really don’t get it do you?”
Get what? She writes quickly, her eyes locked on mine, searching for some sort of understanding of what I mean.
“I don’t give a shit about practice or focusing on what I need to do on the field. What I do care about is you and making sure that you’re okay. That’s all that matters to me. If you just told me about this, I would have been there for you.”
I know which is why I couldn’t do that. You would have dropped everything and this game is super important, Kay. It’s your future. I know scouts are gonna be there. I heard Coach talking about it before I left.
“Eight years, Isabelle. Eight years I spent trying to forget you exist. I called you names, made other people treat you like shit and honestly, I didn’t care about you at all. Eight years is what I’ve got to make up for now. So yeah, I would have dropped all of it, if it meant being there for you the way I should have been from the start.”
I’m so sorry, Kayden.
“You still don’t get it. I’ll try and explain again.” I say, desperate for her to understand. “You have nothing to be sorry for. I do. You were thinking of me and I love you for that, but next time, just tell me, even if you don’t want me there.”
I always want you there.
It doesn’t slip my mind that I just said I love her, but that’s the last thing I’m focusing on now with what she just wrote on the page.
“Then there is where I’ll always be.”
Chapter Twenty
Belle
I’m the one that was asked to the game, but it’s obvious from the way Tristan can’t sit still that he believes it’s him. My mom isn’t much better either, humming and smiling all over the house, making sure that we’ve got everything laid out for later.
I know going to the dance is a pretty big deal for her since it’s my first one and all, but does she really need to act like she’s the one that’s been asked? At least with Tristan I expect it, he’s six. With her though, it’s Freaky Friday and we’ve swapped spots.
“You sure you don’t want me to hang around until after the game? You’re gonna need a ride back to get ready, so it seems like I should.”
That’s the third time she’s asked that, but this time, Tristan answers her before I do. It looks like he doesn’t want her there either.
I love my mom, I do and I know that it’s been a really rough road getting to this point for all of us, but this is something I need to do on my own.
It’s hard to explain but I’m tired of living the way I have been. For years I liked having her there with me when I had to do new things, but that’s starting to change. I guess I’m growing up now, even though for most people it happened years before.
It’s not that I want to do this alone because I don’t, but I need to.
Yesterday, seeing Doctor Stevens is when I realized it. I’ve never been to a doctor’s appointment on my own before. She was always with me and with the way she fights for me so strongly, I always just let her. I’m seventeen now though. I don’t want to always need my mom. I have to stand on my own two feet. I have to finally give her a chance to live the life she’s been putting off for so long.
“Belle doesn’t need you, Mommy. She’s got me.”
Tristan may only be six, but he’s an old six. Just like he was the only one until Kayden that could really make me smile, he’s also that way when it comes to being protective. The first time he ever stood up for me it was against our Mom and since then, it’s never stopped.