Gee thanks Doc, I totally needed that reminder.
“You must remember that just because you have this, it doesn’t mean that you aren’t a social being. It just means that you are dealing with severe anxieties in those particular settings. There are various techniques and therapies we can try in order to help you manage it. There is also the road of medication, but that is not a road I want to put you on right at the beginning. I want to start small.”
“Can I ask you something personal?”
“You can ask me anything, Isabelle. I am here to help you as much as I can.”
“Not that long ago, I started dating someone and I can text him, even write to him, but I still can’t talk to him, no matter how hard I try to do it. I don’t want to talk to anyone else, but with him, it’s all I want to do. Will I ever be able to do that?”
“With time, that is what I hope to accomplish. I won’t sit here and tell you that it’s going to happen overnight, because it won’t, but if we work at it, I hope to get you to a point where you’ll be able to open up.”
“Is it happening because I’m not comfortable with him?”
I know how the question sounds, but I need to ask it. With everything that Kayden and I have been through, the switch in gears from being nonexistent, to his girlfriend, is huge for me. As much as I care about him, I still remember the way he was toward me before and I’m wondering if because of that, I’m stopping myself from opening up completely.
“It very well could be. When you are at home, you feel safe. There is nothing to fear. It is the perfect environment for you. When you’re not there, things become that much harder. If I may ask you, is your boyfriend understanding of the way things are?”
He’s not asking the right person this question, but since I didn’t even tell Kayden I had this appointment, it’s not like he can ask him. The way he’s been with me, it stands to reason that he understands, but I can’t be sure. Not without coming right out and asking him myself.
“I think he is, but I don’t really know.”
“Do you feel safe when you’re with him?”
“Yes.”
“Well that’s good to hear. That is what you need to surround yourself with. I do believe that in order to move forward in treating this, you feeling comfortable and safe needs to be our top priority.”
I have no idea if he realizes it or not, but he’s giving me hope. I felt lost before, stuck even and now that I know what I’m going through, I feel stronger than I did before I walked in.
If Dr. Stevens believes that we can treat this and that one day I’ll be able to speak again, then it means all is not lost. I’m not a lost cause and I might even be able to do things the way normal people my age do, even if I’m still different.
As he makes his way from the office with the promise of a phone call about next steps, there’s only one thought running through my head and it’s so strong it makes me move faster than I’ve ever done before in an effort to get home.
I can’t wait to tell Kayden.
Kayden
Pulling onto my street and slowing down to a crawl, I feel torn.
In a couple of seconds I’m going to have to make a choice. Go to my girlfriend’s house and get answers so I can slow my mind down or turn into my own driveway, go home and face another night with the brother from hell. It should be an easy decision, but nothing about this is easy.
I want the comfort that being around Isabelle brings, especially when it’s time spent with her entire family, but being unable to shake the uneasy feeling inside of me, I’m not sure it’s where I should be right now. If this was any other person, I would have said screw it and gone home, sat down with Dean and gotten drunk, but she’s not some other person.
As I make the decision, my phone starts buzzing off in the passenger seat. Reaching over and grabbing it, I see the flashing notification on my screen and I know that I made the right choice after all.
It’s a text from Isabelle and even though I have no idea what it says, just the fact that she’s messaging me at all gives me everything I need. I have a feeling that no matter what choice or decision I’m faced with in my life, it’s always going to end with her.
Pulling into her driveway and putting the car in park, I swipe until I’m back in my messages and I finally read her words.
How much longer until I get to see you?
Smiling, I lay on the horn. It lets out three short blasts and I turn it off. I see the front door open and she’s running out the door and across the lawn toward me. Pulling the seatbelt off as quickly as possible, I slide myself from the car, slamming the door behind me, opening my arms just in time to catch her as she dives toward me.