It’s only when practice is over that I finally get a reprieve because Dillon’s voice instantly fills my head.
“Amy and I are getting a limo. You want in?”
“Nah man, it’s all good. I’m gonna pick Isabelle up and head over in my car.”
He laughs and I resist the urge to hit him. “I’m giving you the chance to get in on impressing the hell out of your girl with a limo ride, one of the most romantic things around, and you’re turning me down for a ride in your beater?”
My car is not a beater. It’s old, sure, but it’s most definitely not a beater. Mom left it behind when she bailed and after a few years of working on it after practice in junior high, I finally got her running. It’s a second generation Dodge Charger, from ’68. It was red when mom owned it, but I got it detailed and now she’s black, inside and out.
“You don’t get it. If it’s too much, it’s gonna screw with her and I don’t want that.”
“Screw with her how?”
“Sometimes things are too much for her to handle and she sort of breaks down. If there’s too much happening at once or too many people, it overwhelms her. I want this night to be perfect, so we’re just gonna go in my car. She’s comfortable there.”
“Your loss.”
“Honestly, it’s my gain. I get my girl to myself, away from you and the girlfriend from hell.”
“Ames isn’t that bad. She’s cool now.”
“Not with me, and not with Isabelle either.”
“Whatever. If you change your mind, let me know. It’s cool with Amy if Isabelle comes along and I swear she won’t screw with her.”
There was a time when saying something like that would have made me laugh, but now I get the feeling he means every word of it. I hate to admit it, but ever since he said sorry to Isabelle, he’s been a totally different guy. He’s proving me wrong and I know him better than anyone.
“Thanks, but no thanks.”
“Okay man; don’t say I didn’t offer.”
He splits off and instead of following him in; I veer off to where I threw my duffel before heading out onto the field for practice. I know it’s gross and I should stay behind and shower, but with as much as she’s been on my mind for the last three hours, I know I won’t be able to completely settle until I see her again.
Until I make her tell me just what the hell she’s hiding from me.
Belle
When I got here, I expected to hear more of the same stuff I’ve heard since I got the diagnosis years ago, but instead, I’m hearing things I never dreamed possible.
There’s actually a name for what I’m going through and even more than that, it’s treatable.
“So you don’t think it’s a social anxiety anymore?”
“As I explained to your mother the last time you were here, I believe that it is social anxiety, but what I didn’t speak to you about then, is that I also believe you suffer from something else. I’m actually surprised that it wasn’t diagnosed in you sooner.”
Dr. Stevens hasn’t always been my doctor. In fact, for the first ten years after I was diagnosed, he wasn’t even in my life at all. So what he’s saying about this being caught sooner makes sense. The reason Mom changed to begin with was because she didn’t think she was getting the answers she needed from my old doctor. Turns out, she was right.
“So you think I have Selective Mutism and Social Anxiety?”
“Yes I do. You are unable to speak aloud in the academic setting because of the mutism, but you are able to write and even text with certain people because in that regard you are comfortable enough to do so. That is a step in the right direction. What’s important to remember is, this is treatable and it doesn’t always have to be with medications.”
That was a big thing with my mom the last time. She didn’t want to feel like she was drugging me to solve my issues, so when she was told that I should be put on anxiety meds; she ran from the office and never looked back.
If there’s a way to treat this like he’s saying and it doesn’t have to be just medication then I’m even more determined to do it.
“Is it just the speech that it affects?”
“I’m actually glad you asked me that. It manifests itself in other ways as well. The other ways may go unnoticed in most situations because of your autism diagnosis. There are a lot of similarities that can sometimes be confusing.”
“Like what?”
“Speaking from a purely physical standpoint, it can cause extreme bouts of nausea, stomach aches, headaches, vomiting and joint pain. It also explains the accidents you continue to have. All of which, I know from your previous visits that you continue to experience.”