The minute the words came out, I went speechless. It’s new to me because I normally have a response to everything, but this, no freaking way. She stunned me. It was a turning point for us or at least I think it is, but considering she went back to texting and writing after that, I can’t be sure.
I need to go inside, but after dropping her off and driving over here; I can’t seem to get out of the car. I don’t want anything to ruin the way this day has been for me. I know the minute I get out and go inside, Dean and his stupidity is going to do it.
What I really want to do is drive back across the street, go to her door, knock and when she opens it, pull her to me again. It’s so crazy, but it’s the one thing that can make this day even better than it has been. She might not have a lot of experience with kissing, but it didn’t mean she doesn’t have someone dying to teach her.
When she told me that actions needed to speak louder than words, I really did take it to heart. The problem is, now that line is blurred. I still want to prove to her that I can be a better guy, but it’s not innocent anymore. I want to do it because I like her. That guy that deep down I don’t believe I can be, I want to be for her.
I can’t be selfish with this though. I know how timid she is, how all of this must be for her and in order for me to be the person Ms. Taylor thinks I am, I have to do it right. I can’t treat her like every other girl I’ve been with. She’s not like other girls because she’s different. I want her kind of different.
If I’m serious about being with her, I need to start at the beginning. I need to forget about how amazing her lips felt pressed to mine, the way hearing her speak stopped my heart and focus on what really matters. I need to understand her and change everything that for the last eight years I’ve believed about her. I need to make right all of the damage I’ve done.
It all starts with me. I need to learn everything I can. Moving forward with her depends on it.
Chapter Thirteen
Belle
It’s strange. When Kayden dropped me off at class this morning, he actually stuck around longer than usual. He didn’t do it to talk to me though. He was talking to Ms. Taylor instead.
It didn’t last longer then maybe two minutes, but it’s all I’ve been able to think about. I’m trying to focus on the math we’re doing, but even my excitement over numbers can’t distract me. I need to know what they were talking about. It’s going to bother me until I do, I just know it.
I’ve been like this since Friday, when we kissed and I spoke to him. I can’t concentrate on anything but what he thought about it. We haven’t brought it up since it happened and I guess that’s why I can’t let it go. I’m thinking about it so much that it’s becoming obsessive. I had to stop myself all weekend from spilling my guts to my mom, that’s how much it got to me.
At some point we’re gonna have to talk about it, but I don’t want to be the one to bring it up. I’m already nervous as it is and I really don’t want to know how he feels if it’s going to hurt me. Things have been going so well and I just want to keep it that way for as long as I can.
There’s something bothering me though. I told him that I forgive him, but haven’t been able to say a word since. The way he’s been should be enough to get me past this fear I have of speaking, but it doesn’t. Maybe Mom’s right and it’s time to see the speech therapist again. I might not need help with words anymore, but I do need help to find out how to get over the fear I have of actually speaking.
I made the decision over the weekend and I haven’t said anything to anyone. As much as I know my mom supports me, I want to do this on my own. She’s been so good to me and this, well if I can fix it, is something I want to surprise her with. She deserves something good to happen after everything we’ve been through. I want to do it for Kayden too, but I’m trying my hardest not to make it about him because I still can’t figure out exactly what it is that I feel for him.
Whenever we’re together, I feel off kilter, like everything is always spinning. Sometimes he looks at me and I swear my heart flips in my chest or sometimes, even stops. The first couple of times it happened, I thought there was actually something wrong with it, but I’m starting to think it’s not my heart and it’s just me. Sometimes I sit and watch him while he’s talking and just stare at his lips. It’s not like I’m expecting them to have some hidden answer for me, but I can’t look away.
I want him to kiss me again and every single time I think it, I immediately feel my cheeks get hot, even when we’re not together. He sits so close sometimes that I get overwhelmed by the smell of him. It reminds me of the park and even though some scents overwhelm me and bring about bad responses, his doesn’t. On top of being obsessive over things with him, I also seem to be addicted.