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Complicate Me(65)

By:M. Robinson


“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for everything. But I can’t marry you. I should have never said yes. I should have never gone back to your house with you. I should of… I can’t change the past, the only thing I can change is the future, and I can’t marry you.”

He shook his head. “You don’t mean that.”

“I do. I’ve never meant anything more in my life.”

“I love you.”

“I know, but is it because you’re in love with me?”

“I don’t understand the difference.”

I sadly smiled. “You will one day when you meet that person. I’m not her, Cole. You think I am, but trust me, you would know what the difference is.”

“It’s him, isn’t it?” he questioned with a hard edge in his tone.

I bowed my head. “I’m so sorry.”

“I can’t believe you’re doing this. I’ve spent years waiting for you. Pining over you like a lost puppy. Standing on the sidelines. Shit,” he sighed. “I want to hate you. I want to hate you so fucking bad right now, but I can’t. All these years, since we were kids I’ve known. You don’t look at me the way you do him. You don’t smile the same way. You don’t laugh the same way. I thought… I thought that it didn’t matter. You would grow to love me, and every time you would say it to me, I swear I tried to believe it. Except that look in your eyes, the one that was for him, I never even got a glimpse of it. Not one time.”

Tears fell down my face. “I’m so sorry,” I repeated the only thing to be true.

“I never understood your bond, the connection that you hold between each other. It makes no sense to me. Not one bit. I thought I was the better man for you, knowing in my heart I never was. How fucked up is that? I fought for you, knowing I would never win. Knowing I was wasting my time, but I didn’t care. I wanted to have you in anyway I could. I don’t know if that’s love or fucking stupidity.” He stood, walking over to the window and I stayed where I was.

There was nothing I could do to comfort him. To make it all right. I hated that I hurt him. I hated that I led him on. It wasn’t fair to him, none of this was.

“I never wanted to hurt you, Cole. I swear to you on my life that I never wanted to cause you pain. I can’t tell you how sorry I am that you’re hurting right now. You don’t deserve it. You’ve been nothing but an amazing man to me, a friend that I needed. I love you. I do. I mean that. But at the end of the day… I have to do what feels right in my heart and it’s not us. I’m so sorry. I will treasure every moment we’ve spent together. I promise you that.”

We were silent for I don’t know how long. He turned to face me with a look I had never seen before. “We’re both to blame. I guess it’s one of the reasons I’m drowning myself in work. You haven’t looked at me the same since the funeral, and I guess it’s why I kept my distance. A part of me knew this was coming. I just thought if I ignored it, it would go away. I could make it go away.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“There’s nothing left to say. I’ll move my things into the guest bedroom until you figure things out.” He walked toward me and sat in front of me on his heels, wiping the tears away from my face. Both of us knowing…

This was truly.

The end.


I called my parents the next day to let them know what happened with Cole and I. They weren't surprised. I told them I would be coming home once I straightened everything out. The conversation led back to a change that could affect them and me. They wanted to travel, see different places and mainly just enjoy each other. I asked to buy the restaurant but they insisted on handing it over to me. It was my home. The restaurant, the beach, the boys and our abandoned home that Lucas now had made his.

He didn't know I was back.

Until now.

Four months went by since I bought our abandoned house. It was finally done. I upgraded a lot but there were parts that I kept the same. It still looked like ours, except newer and more modern. I did it all by myself and in a way it was therapeutic for me.

To let go.

I combined my life with her and now my life without her. The past and present, my future was unknown. I sat on the patio from the adjoining bedroom looking out at the water. I started surfing again, mostly at dawn. I needed the quiet that surrounded me and that only morning could bring. It was nice being alone with my thoughts, even though I was alone all the time, especially now that my baby sister was gone. I always felt her near me, even being thousands of miles apart. Her presence surrounded me, especially when I was out in the water. The house added to that, it maybe one of the reasons I bought it. I wanted her close.

Jacob went back to California, Austin went back to New York, and Dylan was consumed with work. All I had was Mason. Stacey was engaged to the soccer coach and I couldn’t have been happier for her. Mason loved him and that’s all that mattered to me.

Everything seemed to go back to normal or as best as normal became.

“Penny for your thoughts?” a familiar voice said from behind me.

I immediately stood, spinning to face her. She looked as beautiful as ever, her hair growing again, midway down her back. She wore a soft yellow dress that fit loose on her body, her feet bare. She leaned against the doorframe, her arms crossed over her chest.

“What are you doing here?”

“I think maybe I should be asking you the same question. I moved back a few weeks ago.”

“I go to your parent’s restaurant—”

“I told them not to tell you. The boys don’t even know I moved back.”

“Is Cole—”

She interrupted me by shaking her head no. “We broke up months ago.”


“It was wrong to get engaged to him. I should have never said yes, but it’s all good now. We’re fine, in the sense that we ended on good terms. I don’t talk to him, we both prefer it that way.”

“Are you okay?” I immediately asked.

She smiled. “Always worrying about me. I’m better than I have been in a long time. Did you know my parents were selling the restaurant?”

“No.” I hadn’t.

“Yeah… after your mom… they decided it was time to retire. They want to travel, enjoy the rest of their lives.”

“That makes sense.”

“I thought so, that’s why I bought it. Well not really, they essentially gave it to me.”

“Why would you—”

“It’s home. This is my home, Lucas. It always has been. I never wanted to leave like you boys did, but I’m grateful I did. It gave me a chance to realize that this is where I belong.”

I nodded, understanding.

“Why did you buy this house?”

“The same reason you bought the restaurant. It’s home to me. It always has been. I couldn’t let anyone else have it. It’s mine.”

“It’s ours,” she corrected. “You bought it for me.”


“Why do you love me, Bo?”

I chuckled. “What?”

“You heard me.”

My feet moved of their own accord, only stopping when I was close enough to touch her. I didn’t. The smell of her cherry lip-gloss was enough comfort for me to say, “Since I was a kid you’ve been the first and last thing I have thought about every day of my life. I know everything about you, your eyes, your smile, your laugh, your sassy spitfire personality, taking no shit from anyone, including me. I lie awake every night missing you, there’s this huge hole in my heart where you used to be, and I don’t care because it reminds me of you. It doesn’t matter where I go, where I’m at, or whom I’m with, you’re with me. I love every single thing about you. I love you because I need you. I love you because there is no me without you. I love you because I can’t stop loving you, and I would be lying if I said I had tried.” I grabbed the sides of her face and she leaned into my embrace.

“You’re my brown eyed girl.”

Her mouth parted and I glided my thumb across her bottom lip. "I'm not going to tell you it's always been easy because it hasn't, but you’ve always been worth it. I know I’ve said this before, but I can’t state it enough. I’m so sorry, Half-Pint. I’m so sorry for everything I put you through… Stacey, those girls in high school, the shit with Cole, Mason… I think that covers everything?” I joked and she laughed.

“I’m sorry that I ever made you cry, I’m sorry for all the pain I inflicted on your perfect heart. I’m sorry for ever making you feel like I didn’t belong to you. I’ve been yours for every second, of everyday for the last twenty-six years. I’m sorry for every shitty thing I have ever done or said to you. I hate myself for it. You never deserved it. I can’t apologize to you enough. I’m so fucking sorry for everything,” I whispered, leaning my forehead on hers. “I want to kiss you so fucking bad right now.” I put my arms around her neck and she let me.

I looked deep into her eyes and saw the same intense gaze, staring back at me. My chest rose and descended with each deep breath I took, her heart felt like it beat for me and only me. I knew it.