“Mom,” I muttered, standing at her bedroom door. It became difficult to see her with her eyes closed and not imagine she was gone. She looked gone. No longer the woman who I recognized as my mother, all that was left was the sickness that was taking her away.
“Baby,” she murmured like it hurt for her to speak. The machines precisely placed around her only adding to the truth.
I sat on the edge of her bed and grabbed her hand. I don’t know what came over me, maybe it was the fact that I knew this would be one of the last times I would speak to her, maybe it was the fact that I knew I needed to say goodbye, or maybe it was just the fucking fact that I knew the end was near. I hunched over, laying my head on top of her still beating heart and bawled like a baby. I sobbed, over and over again. My chest ached and my throat burned. I hyperventilated, sucking in air that wasn’t available. She rubbed my back, never once trying to stop my crying or preventing my emotions from running wild.
“I don’t know how I’m going to live without you. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to go on. Please… please… God… don’t take her away from me,” I bellowed in the misery that lay beneath me.
“I will never leave you, Lucas. I will always be here for you. Just because you can’t see me, it doesn’t mean that I’m not here.”
“It’s not fair. It’s not fair that this is happening.” I wept for what seemed like hours. Time didn’t stand still. Every second that passed was less time I would have with her and that’s what killed me more than anything.
“Everything is going to be okay. I know it doesn’t seem like that now. I know it may not seem like that when I’m gone, but I promise you. I swear to you that everything will be okay.”
I sniffled, sitting up and she wiped away my tears.
“I love you. I loved you since the moment I found out I was pregnant with you. You lived inside me for nine months, Lucas, the bond that we share is unbreakable. I’ve heard your heartbeat from inside my body that can never be broken.”
I nodded because I couldn’t find the words to express how much I loved her.
She placed her hands on the sides of my face. “Listen to me because I will only be able to say it once. Your bond with Alex has so much strength.”
“Mom.” I tried to pull my face away, but she held me as firm as her weak hands could.
“Everything happens for a reason and I swear to you that me dying is for a greater purpose. Do you understand me?”
I nodded even though I didn’t.
“You have to be strong for your dad and for your sister. They’re not as strong as you. You have to be my big, Lucas.” She hadn’t called me that since I was a child and the sentiment almost had me breaking down yet again.
“Promise me that you can do that for me.”
“I promise.”
“Promise me that you will try not to mourn me and that you will go on with your life. That you will be happy because you know that I’m always with you.”
“I promise.”
“Promise me that you will accept any other woman that comes into your father's life.”
I shook my head no. “Don’t ask me that.”
She took a deep breath and said, “Maybe your father was meant to have two soul mates. I don’t want him to be alone. Please, Lucas, tell me that you will.”
“Okay. I will do it for you.”
“I am so proud of you and the man that you have become. I love you so much, so, so, much.”
“I love you, too.”
She pulled me in for a tight embrace. I hugged her for as long as I could. For every memory, for every promise, and for every new memory she would miss. When I drew away, she stared behind me, and it had me turning to follow her gaze.
Alex stood in the doorway with her arms over her chest, and a look of pure sorrow and grief on her face. Fresh tears pooled in her eyes. She looked so tiny, so delicate, and fragile. She reminded me of the little girl that she once was. Not the twenty-three-year-old woman she was today.
“I came as fast as I could. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to come sooner.”
“Is Cole with you?” Mom asked, but something told me she already knew.
She shook her head. “He just opened a new firm and he couldn’t take time off, he wanted—” she wavered and I recognized that face immediately, which is exactly why she stopped in the first place.
She didn’t want me to realize…
That she was about to lie.
“It doesn’t matter, I’m here,” I firmly stated, desperately trying to maintain the best poker face I could. Neither one of us said a word as we passed each other by.
“I’ll leave you two alone.” He closed the door behind him and I stayed rooted where I stood. I was afraid I would break her. I couldn’t fathom seeing the woman in front of me, I had just seen her four months ago at my engagement party.
“Sit down, honey, you’re not going to hurt me.”
I did, placing my hands on top of hers.
“I’m so happy you’re here to say goodbye to me.”
“Please don’t say that,” I wallowed.
“It’s okay, Alex. I’m not scared of dying. I’m going to a better place with my loved ones that are waiting for me. It’s you and everyone else that I’m sad for. It’s the loved ones that get left behind that suffer.”
“I can’t believe this is happening.” My eyes pooled with fresh tears.
“So much has happened in these last few years, so many changes. When your mom told me she was pregnant with you, I cried. They had been trying to get pregnant since before I got pregnant with Lucas. Robert actually did the ultrasound to find out if you were a boy or a girl. Lucas sat patiently on my lap waiting, and you can imagine how hard that must have been for him, the boy never sits still.”
I affectionately smiled, loving the story she shared with me.
“When Robert read the ultrasound, he swore you were a boy, so we immediately started finding names for you. The moment we found out that you were a girl at the hospital, the very next day your mom and I started to plan yours and Lucas’s wedding. We planned out every detail. Even how many kids you were going to have. We spent hours upon hours planning your future together and we loved every second of it.”
My eyebrows lowered, confused and torn. “I don’t understand. You both have been so adamant on us not being together. Why are you telling me this now?”
“I made a mistake. We made a mistake. I regret very little in my life, I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to do everything I’ve ever wanted. Not letting you and Lucas decide what was right for you is definitely one of my biggest regrets. When you’re a mother, Alex, you will understand that you want what’s best for your children. You want them to see and experience everything they can. You think you know what’s best for them. It comes along with the title of being parents. But I don’t know everything, no one does. These last few years have been so hard for you, so hard for him, and I can’t help but feel responsible for that. We both do.”
“My mom does?”
“Yes. She’s wanted to have this talk with you and I thought it would be better coming from me. I’m not telling you that you shouldn’t get married, Alex. If you’re happy, if you truly love him then it doesn’t matter what I say. Your heart will speak for itself.”
“Yeah...” I bowed my head.
“But, I do need something from you.”
I immediately looked up. “Anything.”
“I need you to promise me that you will always be there for Lucas. I need you to promise me that you will always look after my boy. He’s not as strong as he pretends to be. Stubborn, yes.”
We laughed.
“Those boys, Alex, not just Lucas, they’re yours. Each one of them has gone their separate ways, and I also feel responsible for that. If we hadn’t come between you and Lucas—”
“No,” I stated, knowing what she was about to say.
She sadly smiled. “Whether you know this or not, Half-Pint, you’re the glue that’s always kept those boys together, you’re the bond that holds them, and we’ve known that ever since you were kids.”
Tears spilled down my face as I took in her words. They meant everything to me, every last one of them. “My good ol’ boys.”
She looked at me with such love and adoration in her eyes and even though she was sick, even though she was dying. I wanted to remember her just this way. “I love you, and I promise you that I will always look after him. Regardless of where we stand, he’s my best friend. Always and forever.”
“Thank you. I can die happy knowing that my boy is taken care of. That’s what every mother wants.”
She wiped away my tears and kissed my forehead. I sat with her for a while after she had said she needed to rest. I thought about everything she shared with me as I listened to her soft breathing, loving that she looked much more peaceful than she had when I first walked in. It didn’t take away the pain I felt in my heart knowing that this would be the last time I would get to be with her. I tried like hell to keep that inside, but I couldn’t. I lay down beside her and softly cried.
For her.