I looked at the hole, replaying that night in my mind.
“The night you punched this hole in the wall, that was the beginning of the end for us. It’s still here mocking us.” She paused to let her words sink in. I couldn’t help but feel that she was right. That night changed everything for us if I would have known then what I know now.
“I hate,” she hesitated, contemplating what to say I was sure.
“I hate what Cole did last night, we went back to the suite and argued. It’s probably one of the biggest fights we’ve had. I slept on the couch and I’ve barely said two words to him this morning. It wasn’t about us like he claims, he wanted to hurt you.”
“I’ve always known Cole was an asshole, Alex. I’m surprised it’s taken you this long to see it.”
She immediately turned to face me. Her eyes were red and swollen like she had been crying all night. It took everything inside me not to go to her.
To comfort her.
To hold her.
“Not like that.” She shook her head. “That was cruel. He’s never used me for his pride before. He hurt me. He made our engagement become a spectacle, a game.”
“A game that he won.”
“I’m not a prize, Lucas.”
“Then you don’t see what we do,” I simply stated. “Why do you always show up looking so beautiful that it literally hurts my eyes to look at you?”
Her breath hitched.
“Are you happy? Are you happy with him?” I had to know.
She nodded.
“Is he good to you?”
She nodded, again, her face frowning.
I shook my head in disbelief. “Jesus Christ, Alex, you’re literally marrying the first guy that’s ever paid attention to you.”
She grimaced, making me quickly regret my words. I was about to apologize when she said with her voice breaking, “If that were true, Lucas, then I would be marrying you.”
I jerked back like she hit me. “Is that why you cut your hair? Because you don’t belong to me anymore?”
“He asked me to marry him and I said yes. I went to the salon the next day and hacked off all my hair. I donated it to cancer patients. It could be their happiness.”
I looked at the bright, blinding ring on her left hand. “Where was that rock last night?”
“I had it on, I just turned it over, so the diamond was on the inside of my hand.”
“Could he have gotten you a bigger rock? That’s not even you, Alex. You haven’t worn jewelry your entire life. You’re going to marry a man that doesn’t even know what kind of ring is you?”
She peered down at the diamond. “It’s a beautiful ring, Lucas.”
“It’s a trophy. You’re a prize to him. It’s also a cock blocker because only a very insecure man buys a woman that kind of a diamond.
She looked at me through her lashes. “Girls like diamonds.”
“Not you,” I simply stated not needing to add any more.
“He loves me and I love—”
“You love the idea of him. You love that it’s comfortable. You love that he’s always been there, like a sad fucking kitten that you fed one time and wouldn’t go away.” He stepped toward me and I immediately stepped back. Which made him stop and cock his head to the side. “Scared of me?”
“Of course not.”
“Then why won’t you let me touch you? Is it because you know everything I said was true? And the second I put my hands on you, you’ll know who you really belong to?”
“That’s not fair.”
“I never said life was fair.”
“I hate it every time you say that.”
“It doesn’t make it any less true, because if it were, you’d be the mother of my son and that ring on your finger would have been placed there by me.”
My chest rose and descended with each word that fell from his lips.
“Let me touch you, Alex. Let me prove to you that everything I say is true.”
He came at me but this time I expected it, so when my back hit the wall he instantly caged me in with his arms. His face mere inches away from mine, I felt him everywhere. All at once, his scent, his body, his eyes, his mouth, even though the only thing that touched me was his arms.
“Tell me to leave, Alex. Tell me to go. Tell me you don’t love me. Tell me that you don’t wish it were me that you went to bed with every night and woke up to every morning. Tell me that every time you hold my son you don’t envision him as being yours. Ours. Tell me you don’t want this and I swear I’ll leave you alone. I’ll let you marry Cole and live happily ever after. I swear to you on my son that I will walk out of here knowing that you’re no longer my brown eyed girl.”
“Lucas,” I warned in a voice I didn’t recognize.
“Call me what you really want to.” He placed his forehead on mine, bringing his arms closer to frame my face. “Call me Bo,” he groaned in a tone that made my stomach flutter and my body warm. His mouth so close to mine that I could feel him breathe on me. As if testing me he licked his lips, slowly, provoking me.
Proving to me that he was right.
I shut my eyes. I had to. The realization was too hard to admit and I knew he could see it in my eyes.
He knew me.
“Bo,” I panted, my breathing mimicking his. “Please…”
“Please what, baby?” he rasped as if he hung on by a thread. Waiting for me to say the magic words that would set both of us free.
Except not the way he hoped.
“I’m getting married. I’m engaged to another man. I came here today to close the door to us, not to open it again.”
It was like a bucket of cold water being poured down his body, he instantly backed away from me. I felt the loss of his warmth, his love, instantly. The damage was done, and the look on his face made me question what I had just done.
Was I making the right choice? I couldn’t hurt Cole. I loved him. Didn’t I?
I stepped toward him but now it was his turn to back away.
“Lucas…”
He sadly smiled. “I have no one to blame but myself. Maybe the better man did win and at the end of the day, as long as you’re happy that’s all that truly matters.”
I forced back the tears that wanted to escape. I would not cry. I was supposed to be happy. Cole makes me happy.
Then why do I feel like I’m dying?
“There’s nothing left to say. I wish you all the happiness in the world, Alexandra. You deserve it more than anyone I know. I will always, always, fucking love you. No one can take that away from me, not even you.”
I blinked away the tears. I couldn’t hold them in any longer.
“Congratulations.” He took one last look at me and left.
I turned around and looked at the hole in the wall.
It now mirrored my heart.
I never expected her to not invite me to her engagement party. I just never thought it would happen so fast. Six months went flying by.
I didn’t believe it until I saw it with my very own eyes.
How fucking stupid am I?
I saw my mother helping with the engagement party.
I saw the engagement invitation when I held it in my hands.
I saw the date.
I saw their names.
I saw them walking into her parent’s restaurant together, her in a white dress, firmly wrapped around him.
I saw it all.
It was only then I truly believed it. It was only then that it seemed real. After that everything took a turn for the worst. They say God doesn’t give you more than you could handle, they say when it rains it pours. They say everything happens in threes.
The cancer.
My son.
Alex getting engaged.
I thought that was the end, but it wasn’t. Every day after the engagement party my mom got worse, it had been four months. There was no mistaking it anymore. No wishful thinking or praying.
She was dying.
The doctors reaffirmed that she didn’t have more than a few more weeks to live, give or take. My dad called in a few favors and he had one of his alumni take over his patients. He closed his office for the time being. He said he wanted to spend every last second with his wife. My baby sister was beyond devastated. She had always been so positive and cheerful, making lemonade out of lemons and all that shit. To have her breakdown in my arms as we stood around hearing the doctors tell us that her fight was over, that they did everything they could do. All that was left was to make her as comfortable as possible from here on out. They informed us like they had done for a million other families before us, as if it had been rehearsed with no index cards, and they memorized every last word. Every last detail.
I stayed strong because everyone around me, including my father who I had never seen shed one tear before, broke down. The sounds of despair spilling from his mouth made me want to crumble just thinking about it. My mom held him in her arms, like she had done so many times for me as a child, expressing soothing words of comfort that were just a bunch of bullshit. Nothing would be okay after this.
Not. One. Damn. Thing.
I had yet to cry. I hadn’t let what I felt brewing deep inside surface. I couldn’t allow it to take over. If I did it wouldn’t stop. It would take me under and God knows when I would come up again, so I kept going. Concentrated on work, Mason, and my mom. Ignoring everything that collapsed around me.
My family.
My faith.
My love.
I became God’s personal entertainment. At least that’s how it felt.