“I hope you do. Either way I’ll tell him. Who knows he might have a brown eyed girl of his own one day.”
I turned to face him when I heard his voice. He leaned against the doorframe, one leg over the other with his arms crossed over his chest.
“Like father like son, huh?” I grinned.
“One can hope.”
“You look good, Lucas. The facial hair suits you. You got this whole pirate thing going on.”
“You look beautiful,” he voiced with a sincere look of longing in his eyes. He didn’t even try to hide it.
“Thanks. I’ll be twenty-one soon, I’m getting old,” I replied, wanting to lighten the mood. “Do you want to put him down?”
He shook his head. “I’m enjoying watching you hold him too much.”
I didn’t know what to say so I didn’t say anything.
“How’s Cole?” he asked in a way to remind himself that I wasn’t his anymore.
“He’s great. He would have loved to be here, but he had to stay behind in California, his LSAT’s are coming up. He wants to get into Berkley.”
“And you?”
I shrugged. “I’m not quite sure yet.”
“Are you planning on staying on the West Coast?”
“I think so. I mean we haven’t really talked about the future yet, you know? I guess we will just play it by ear.”
“How serious are you guys?”
“Wow, what is this twenty questions?” I breathed out nervously. “How are you? Lily says your business is taking off.”
He nodded, but that’s all.
“You seeing anyone?”
He shook his head no.
“Well, you know you still have lots of time for that. Women love men and babies so—”
“I have no interest in that, I lost my girl a long time ago,” he finally spoke.
“Right…” I turned back to the pack and play. “Well, I’m going to put him down. I told Lily I would come hang out with her before I left. I need to head to my parents in a bit. My flight leaves tonight,” I rambled, gently laying Mason in the pack in play.
I was about to leave, but he stood in front of me, purposely leaving me no room to move around him.
“It was great seeing you.”
I instantly looked down at the ground, anxiously playing with the seam of my shirt. “You, too.”
“You look good, all grown up. I’ve always loved your hair long, I’m glad you haven’t cut it.”
I nodded, inhaling his intoxicating scent. Combined with Mason’s, it was enough to make my heart melt and my body warm that I had to shut my eyes. I hated that he still had this effect on me, and as if reading my mind he pulled me into a tight hug, causing me to freeze upon contact, leaving my arms at my sides.
“I’m sorry, Alex. I’m so sorry for everything I ever put you through. Everything I ever did. I have no excuses for it, but I need to apologize. There were so many times I thought about picking up the phone and calling you, or just showing up on your doorstep. I can’t take any of it back, though. I love my son. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. I’m sorry I hurt you in the process, I can’t say that enough.” He kissed the top of my head like he had done thousands of times before.
A part of me had been waiting for this moment. I had wanted it, needed it even. Here I was with his arms around me and it didn’t make things any less complicated. My feelings toward him hadn’t changed. I was beginning to think they never would.
“I love you. I’ll always love you,” he murmured so low I could barely hear it.
“I know…” and I did. I pulled away from him but didn’t look him in the eyes as he stepped aside for me. I walked to the door but faltered even though everything in my body told me to flee.
“Everything happens for a reason, Bo,” I stated, walking out of the room, whispering, “I will always love you, too,” but not loud enough for him to hear.
I made my way to the bathroom, needing to splash some cold water on my face. I took a good look at myself in the mirror. I felt guilty about my lingering feelings toward Lucas. I thought with time they would go away, they hadn’t, but that didn’t take away my love for Cole.
Lucas was my past.
Cole was my future.
Plain and simple.
I took a deep breath, looking down the hall to make sure Lucas was gone before heading to Lily’s room. Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw when I opened the door.
Lily and Jacob.
Jacob and Lily.
K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
“Holy shit!” I cussed with my mouth wide open.
They immediately stepped away from each other, both of their hands in the air.
“Oh my God! Lucas is going to kill you. He’s going to murder you and hide the body. I’m going to know about it, I’m going to be an accomplice!” I shouted.
“Shhh...” Jacob hushed, pulling me inside and shutting the door behind him. “It’s not what you think.”
“Not what I think? Did I not just walk in on you kissing Lucas’s baby sister? His sixteen-year-old sister! Oh my God, Jacob, you’re twenty-three! You could go to jail. Please tell me that’s all you guys are doing!”
“Shhh… calm down, someone will hear you,” he silenced again.
“That’s what you’re concerned about?!”
“Alex, I love him,” Lily chimed in, grabbing my arm to look at her. “I’ve always loved him.”
“Lillian, stop saying that. You don’t know what you’re saying. You don’t even know what that means,” he ordered in a demanding tone like this wasn’t the first time he had heard it.
“You love me, too! You just can’t say it out loud,” she replied, ready for battle.
This was all too much for me. I had to sit down before my legs gave out from under me.
“Stop! I mean it,” he urged in a desperate voice.
“Stop what? The truth? You wouldn’t keep kissing me if you didn’t love me. Who cares about our ages, it’s just a fucking number.”
“Watch your mouth,” he demanded with a finger out in front of him.
“Screw you! You’re not my dad. I’m not a child.”
“Then stop fucking acting like one.”
“Oh my God.” The realization hit me. “She’s the girl, isn’t she? The one from last spring break? Jesus, how long has this been going on?” I asked, my wide eyes going back and forth between them.
“Nothing. Is. Going. On,” Jacob gritted out.
“Stop. Saying. That.” Lily clenched her fists at her sides, looking from him to me. “Why are you looking at us like that? You more than anyone should understand this.”
I immediately stood. “Me?” I argued. “What do I have to do with any of this?”
“You!” She pointed at me. “You love my brother, my brother loves you. You have loved each other since you were kids! The only reason you’re not together is because everyone else won’t mind their own goddamn business and just let it be. You would think you’re related or something. It’s so fucking stupid!”
“Lillian, watch your mouth,” Jacob scolded.
“Oh my God, fuck you! Are you going to stand there and pretend you’re not one of the main reasons they aren’t together? You have been butting into their business since the beginning. You all have. I’m over it. It’s stupid. They love each other, exactly the way we do! Except you can’t get over the fact that I’m Lucas’s sister. Who cares? I don’t and neither should you.”
I shook my head, stepping back.
“You more than anyone can understand what it’s like, Alex. Please don’t stand there and be all judgmental, age is just a number. I’ve grown up with these boys as much as you have. It’s not like he's old enough to be my father or anything, now that would be gross.”
“Lily, it’s against the law,” I reminded.
“Fuck the law,” she let out.
Jacob was over to her in two strides. “I will not tell you again. Watch your fucking mouth.”
She put her hands up in the air. “You know what, you two can stay in here and wallow in all this negative energy. I’m not going to stand by and allow it to effect me. I know you’ll come find me, Jacob, because you LOVE me! So let’s see who’s right and who’s wrong. I guarantee you that I won't be waiting long, stew on that for a little bit.” She turned and left.
I sat down again, resting my elbows on my legs and laying my head in my hands. Neither one of us said anything for the longest time. My head hammered with the silence. I thought back on all the times I saw her take his ball cap off his head and one day he just started putting it on her himself. It was such a meaningless gesture but it seemed to be significant to them.
“I don’t know how it happened, Alex. I swear to God I don’t. One second she’s five years old running around in pigtails and then the next she’s sixteen. I tried. I tried like hell to ignore it. To ignore her, but you know Lily, she does what she wants, exactly like her brother. After your accident, she started opening up to me, and I let her because she was a kid and she needed a friend. I liked being around her, she reminded me so much of you. I don’t fucking know,” he sighed.