I licked my lips, my mouth suddenly dry. With a heavy heart and a guilty conscience I said, “Yes, it’s true. Stacey’s pregnant and I’m the father. The paternity test proved it.”
“Is she keeping it?”
I was shocked that she would even ask me that. “Alex, you know I could never… yes.”
“Are you going to marry her?” Her eyes filled up with tears, nearly bringing me to my knees.
“Never, we’re not together, this was an accident. I’m going to help her raise the baby, but that’s all.”
“You say that like it’s so easy.”
“I fucked up.”
“That’s all you ever do, Lucas. You’re one big fuck up.”
I jerked back, hurt. “I needed you, Half-Pint. I needed you so fucking bad. You want to start pointing fingers. Let’s start there.”
She wiped away her tears and narrowed her eyes at me, offended. “Wow. It’s my fault that you can’t keep your dick in your pants? Oh no, let me rephrase that. You can’t keep your dick in your pants with anyone besides me. With me you can.”
“No.” I pointed at her. “That’s not fucking fair.”
“Fair? You want to talk about fair! You have led me on since I could basically fucking walk, Lucas! You string me along. When I finally, finally tell you that I want you, that I need you to please make love to me, to show me what you’ve been saying to me for so long. I pretty much throw myself at you. What do you do? Huh? What do you do!? You kiss me and look deep into my eyes and tell me that you can’t. You turn me down and make me feel like a fool, like a child! Exactly the way you see me!”
“Are you fucking joking? A child? You think I see you as a child? Jesus Christ, Alex, fucking touch my cock and I’ll prove to you that I don’t see you as a child.”
“Too little, too late,” she viscously spewed.
I yanked the hair away from my face and held it at the sides of my head. Wanting to tear it the fuck out.
“Why her, Lucas? Of all people, why her?”
“I told you. It was an accident. I was drunk as shit and barely remember any of it,” I scoffed, disgusted with myself. “I needed you and when I found you.” I stepped toward her, right in front of her face and I was surprised she didn’t step away.
“When I found you, you were in our house. With him.”
Her eyes widened and her breathing hitched at the realization of what I said.
“That’s right, I saw you. I saw you about to lose your virginity to Cole in our house. The same place I told you I couldn’t take that from you. I know I’m an asshole, Alex, I know I’m a selfish fucking prick, I know I’ve done some really shitty things to you, but goddamn it I couldn’t make love to you and then leave you. I was leaving the next day. You were drunk for the love of God. I didn’t want your first time to be like that. Do you think I could have lived with myself after doing that to you?” I paused to let my words linger.
“I think about that night all the time.
Every.
Fucking.
Day.
I stopped because I love you. I fuck everyone else because I don’t.”
She shook her head with a look on her face I had never seen before. “I didn’t, Lucas. I couldn’t. Yes, I brought him there, but I didn’t sleep with him. We kissed and I stopped him. I actually ran out of the house and fell flat on my face.”
I smiled. I couldn’t help it. I fucking smiled. My heart soared from the news that she hadn’t given herself to him.
“I know this shouldn’t make me happy given our circumstances right now, but shit, Half-Pint, I’m ecstatic that you haven’t been with him. That you’re still—”
She grimaced and didn’t even try to hide it. “Bo…”
I shook my head in disbelief. “No.”
Our eyes locked. “I was so upset and hurt after you turned me down. I didn’t see it that way. You didn’t tell me any of those things. All you said was that you couldn’t do it. That I was drunk and I needed to sleep it off, that I wasn’t in the right state of mind to know what I was asking. We barely talked the next morning. You kissed me goodbye and left. That was it.”
I could see the whole night replaying through her eyes, making me relive it all over again.
“After you had left, after all you boys left, I went to work and Cole was at the restaurant. After my shift was over, we went back to his house. His parents were gone.”
I shut my eyes not being able to hear the rest but also needing to know.
“We were in his room. I don’t even know how it happened. One second we were talking and then the next we were kissing. One thing led to another, it just happened,” she bellowed, regret evident in her tone.
“Did he know?” I asked, opening my eyes. “Did he know you were a virgin?”
“He figured it out before it actually happened.”
“Cole’s not as fucking stupid as I thought.”
My eyebrows lowered.
“You’re connected to him, Alexandra. In a way, I will never be to you, and he knows that. He’s known that all along.”
“I didn’t want it to be him. I wanted it to be you.”
He didn’t say anything, but he didn’t have to, his expression spoke for itself.
“Why did you need me?”
“What?”
“That night. You said you needed me. Why?”
He looked everywhere around the room but at me, and when he realized I noticed it he once again met my gaze.
“It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change anything. As much as we want it to,” he simply stated, sweeping my hair from my face with a sad smile.
“You’re going to be a father. You’re going to have a baby. Wow,” I breathed out. “I knew this day would come, except I always imagined that I would be the one carrying it.”
He caressed my cheek as a single tear rolled down his face.
“I can’t—” I steadied my voice for what I was about to say. “I can’t do this with you anymore. Love shouldn’t hurt this much. All you’ve ever done is complicate me.” I declared with a stern face, bracing myself for what I was about to do.
I clutched onto my shark tooth necklace, holding it between my fingers for a few seconds to take in the feel of it around my neck. I hadn’t taken it off since he gave it to me on my 11th birthday, and the mere memory of it almost brought me to my knees. I roughly yanked it off my neck before I could back out of what I was about to do.
His eyes followed the steady movement of my hand as I placed the necklace in his front pocket, which happened to be on top of his heart. I allowed my hand to linger for a few moments, wanting to remember the feel of him against my hand as his heart beat rapidly, mirroring mine. They had always been in sync with one another. Time, regrets, lies, mistakes, misunderstandings, hadn’t made it any less true.
I took one last look at him, wanting to remember him just this way, and sucked in a breath I didn’t realize I held. “I’m done, Bo, I’m done,” I repeated as more tears fell down his handsome, broken face.
For the first time…
He knew.
That what I said…
Was. True.
“Damn, man, you sure you want to do this?” Dylan asked as I packed the last of my things.
“What other choice do I have?”
“You don’t have to move back home, Lucas. I mean yeah, she’s pregnant, but you can finish the school year. Your son’s not going to be born until April, it’s January.” He had just got back from Christmas break. I only went home for Christmas day and then came right back to start packing and take care of any loose ends.
“It just makes sense, man, I need to go. With my mom being sick and Stacey being pregnant, it’s the right thing to do.”
“Fuck…” He sat on the edge of my bed. “Jacob is barely ever around and Austin is moving in now. He got kicked out of the dorms, and I think he’s losing his shit. Did you see him at the kegger? He was on something, that wasn’t just weed and booze as he claimed.”
“It’s his problem.”
“He’s failing almost all his classes. He never goes.”
“Again. It’s his problem. Not yours,” I stated.
He nodded. “Yeah, I hope he gets his shit together. I’m not going to deal with it when he’s living here. Neither will Jacob.”
“Austin’s going to do what he wants. It is what it is.”
“Have you talked to Stacey? Does she know you’re moving back and transferring to Wilmington?”
“For the most part.”
“She must be happy, she got what she wanted.”
“She’s the mother of my kid, Dylan.”
“Which is why I’m not saying what I really want to.”
I zipped the suitcase, placing it on the floor.
“How’s your mom?”
“They’re going to start the first round of chemo next month. She’s as good as she can be. I wish I could say the same for my dad and Lily.”
“Yeah, Half-Pint told me.”
I glanced over at him. “Alex? She knows?”
“Of course she does.”
“Who told her?”
“Your parents over Thanksgiving break. She went home with Cole.”
“Cole?” I squinted.