Austin would be coming back with the boys at the end of summer, except he wasn’t living with us. He decided to live in the dorms. I subconsciously knew that I was the reason for that. Things remained strained with us, and to be completely honest I didn’t give a shit about it. Too many other things plagued my mind.
I sat in front of the TV as I had done so many weekends before, barely watching Sports Center that played in the background of my constantly spinning mind.
My hurricane never lets me go.
It was the price I had to pay…
For letting her go.
My phone rang with my dad’s face lighting up the screen, I hit ignore and let it go to voicemail, but it immediately started ringing again.
“Dad, I’m not in the mood—”
“Lucas,” he said his tone dark and daunting.
I sat straight up on the couch. “What’s wrong?”
“You need to come home.”
“Is everything alright?”
“I don’t want to discuss it over the phone, but you need to come home, Son,” he repeated with the same desperate tone.
“I’m on my way.”
I grabbed my overnight bag and floored it to the airport, taking the next flight out, which luckily was only a few hours later. I took a cab straight to my house and ran up to the front door, my heart in my throat as I contemplated the urgency of my need to come home.
“Mom! Dad! I’m here, where are you?” I darted toward the living room and found my mom lying on my dad’s chest. Completely engulfed in emotions with his arms around her. My head pounding with the same momentum of my heart, and I started to sweat all over.
“What’s wrong?” I strained, terrified by the response I would hear.
My mom wiped the tears from her face and stood up to hug me. “I’m sorry you had to come home like this, baby.”
I felt her arms wrap around me, and I hugged her back with the same force, her skin clammy and hot.
“It’s okay. What’s going on?”
She kissed my cheek and grabbed my hand, guiding me to sit next to her on the couch. My dad scooted over to allow me more room to sit down.
“Alright, you guys have officially scared the shit out of me. What is going on?”
“Lucas, your mother… your mom…” he sighed, trying to even out his breathing. “She found a lump on the side of her breast.” He rubbed his mouth back and forth with his fingers like the words felt dirty coming out of his mouth. “She went to her doctor and they did a biopsy—”
I stood up.
“Lucas,” I heard Mom say. It echoed throughout my entire body and vibrated in my core. “Honey, I’m going to be okay. Are you listening to me, Lucas?”
“What stage?” I found myself saying.
They looked at each other before looking back at me.
“Lucas,” Mom repeated.
“What. Stage. Mom?”
She bowed her head. “Three.”
“Like grandma? How long did she fight for?” I argued, my fists clenching at my sides.
“Four years,” she answered, looking everywhere around the room, except at me.
I nodded, remembering how awful it was to watch her die. Slowly taking every part of her, little by little, inch by inch, till she was unrecognizable. It shredded everything within her, her spirit, her will, and her life. I shook my head, not wanting to picture the same thing happening to my mom.
I trembled everywhere. It was uncontrollable.
“Honey, I’m not my mother, and I will fight until I can’t anymore. I promise you that.”
I eyed her. “Does Lily know?”
“No.”
“Does anyone?”
“No. I want to give it time to settle for us. We have some time before I need to tell everyone.”
I nodded.
“Lucas—”
“I can’t, Mom,” I bellowed. “I can’t.” I backed away and ran toward the door.
I sprinted as fast as I could.
“Cancer...”
It was an endless phrase that repeated itself over and over in my head, a cycle that I couldn’t stop over and over again.
“Cancer…”
I flew through the air, my hurricane blowing by me, with the sounds of wind bursting around my body.
“Cancer…”
My legs felt numb.
“Cancer…”
My heart beat out of my chest.
“Cancer…”
I could feel my body recoiling.
“Cancer...”
I ran faster.
“Cancer…”
Was I throwing up?
I wiped my mouth and stepped away from the bushes, weeping, sobbing uncontrollably, and sucking in air that wasn’t available to me.
How the fuck could this be happening?
I needed to talk to Alex. I wanted Alex.
Oh God! Why?
I’m not sure how long I stood there and wailed. I think it was quite a while when I had finally shed the last of the tears that were left in me and stared off into nothing, I couldn’t move, I couldn’t feel, I was numb. I stood there in the dark looking at the place that was ours. I saw shadows from the bay window, then nothing. Darkness. I stepped one foot in front of the other, walking up the porch stairs.
I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw her.
Them.
Cole and Alex.
Kissing.
Him on top of her.
In our abandoned house.
Everything. I. Loved.
Was gone…
We walked down the beach.
“Darlin’,” Cole murmured, sweeping my hair away from my face.
“Hmm…”
“You haven’t been yourself all summer. Do you not want to go to UCLA?”
“What?” I stopped and looked at him. He met my stare, stepping closer to me.
“Do you not want to leave Oak Island?”
“What makes you say that?”
“It’s like you’re waiting for something. Or someone,” he intentionally added.
“I need to leave.”
“Okay, but that doesn’t answer my question.”
“This is my home, of course I’m going to miss it, Cole.”
“I get it, Alexandra, I really do, but you’ll be back, Oak Island it’s not going anywhere.”
It didn’t feel that way to me.
“I’ve known you for four years, that’s a long time. There are things that have happened between us that we have never spoken about. I’ve respected that because it’s what you’ve needed.”
“I know,” I whispered.
“Darlin’, I love you.” He reached for my hands, and I sucked in a breath I didn’t realize I held.
“That can’t be news to you. I know a part of you loves me, too. It may not be a huge part, but it’s there nonetheless.” He kissed them. “I want to know you. I want to know every part of you, but you hide from me. You’re coming to California with me, that has to mean something. You chose to be near me for a reason, don’t you think?”
I didn’t know if he was right or wrong, but I nodded anyway.
“Can you share something with me? Something no one knows about.”
I immediately looked behind him and he followed my stare. “What are you looking at, Darlin’?”
I took a deep solemn breath and said, “You want to know me, Cole?”
He spun to face me yet again. “More than anything.”
I nodded toward the house behind him and he followed me up the sand to the abandoned home that stored all my secrets. He followed me inside, and I lit the candles that were scarcely placed around the room, creating a soft illuminating allure to the reality of what I had done.
I brought Cole to our house.
Lucas’s and mine.
Ours.
I had to sit down from the uneasiness in my stomach. From my conscience telling me this was wrong.
I was wrong.
He sat beside me, a little too close for my comfort, but I didn’t say anything.
“What does this house mean to you?” he asked.
“Everything,” I simply stated.
He nodded in understanding. “I want to make new memories with you here.” He grabbed my chin with his fingers, guiding my lips to his and then kissed me.
At first it was soft like he tested his boundaries. I slightly parted my lips and he took that as an open invitation to slowly slip his tongue into my mouth. He tasted of mint and something I couldn’t quite put my finger on. He didn’t taste like Lucas and he’s the only other boy I’ve ever kissed. It wasn’t bad, he was a great kisser, but he wasn’t Lucas. Nothing compared to him. I was confused and overwhelmed, but I didn’t stop him when he deepened the kiss, tangling his tongue with mine in an urgency that explained how long he waited for this moment.
Which brought on an onslaught of memories.
His hand gripped the back of my neck, gently pushing me onto the blanket and pillows. I placed my hands on his chest but again didn’t stop him when he positioned his body on top of mine. I went with it. I let him kiss me. I let him surround me. I let him feel like I was his. It seemed like as more time went on the longer I let him have his way with me.
I tried.
I swear that I tried, but I couldn’t. Not now. Not here. Not like this.
I forcefully shoved him away from me and firmly stood up. “I’m sorry, Cole, I’m so sorry, but I can’t do this.” I opened the door and ran down the stairs, missing the last step and falling flat on my face.
“Shit!” he yelled, darting down the stairs behind me. “Darlin’, what are you doing running away from me like that?” He helped me up, but I whimpered when I straightened my knee.