I vaguely nodded again, not being able to form words or even coherent thoughts for that matter. My hurricane finally turned on me, gripping me with the chaos of its forceful truths. Except this time, I wouldn’t take Alex with me.
I would set her free.
“You’re like a son to me. To both Jana and I. We love you, but we need to do what’s in the best interest of our daughter, too. I hope you understand that.” His hand seared when he placed it on my shoulder, leaving a scar for the future that didn’t include her. “Maybe tonight can be the closing of one door, but the opening of another for her, Lucas. For her,” he repeated, driving the nail into the coffin.
I heard the clicking of heels on the hardwood floor and immediately stood, turning faintly to wipe my face. I had never seen her look more gorgeous. The dress fit her exactly how I imagined, loose, but still managing to make her look stunning. Her hair flowed loosely down her face and back. It looked like she just took a brush to it. Her makeup was subtle, accenting her perfect, precise features, though I could smell the cherry lip-gloss from across the room.
She was breathtaking.
“Alex,” I stammered as she smiled shyly.
Her mom took picture after picture of the last moment we'd be happy together. I made a mental note to ask for one for myself. It would be a night of new beginnings for her and endings for me.
“Come on.” He placed his hand on the hollow of my back, spreading a warm heat throughout my entire body. He guided me toward the door and to his truck.
I tried to step up on the ladder, but my heel wouldn’t allow it. His hand reached out to help me, but I ignored it. Instead, I stepped down and loudly sighed, annoyed. I opened my purse and dropped my sandals on the sidewalk, throwing the heels in the bed of his truck.
I heard him laughing and met his gaze. “What? My mom made me wear those things. I hate them. They’re stupid.”
He laughed again, nodding in agreement. I jumped in the truck, closing the door behind me. We drove in silence to the dance. Before I knew it, we were walking through the doors of the banquet hall that hosted my prom. Decorations were everywhere and they seemed to go on for miles, as did the crowd. There wasn’t a place in the room that wasn’t covered in some sort of streamer, confetti, or balloon. We took a traditional prom picture with the photographer, but I didn’t get a chance to look at it since Lucas immediately placed it inside his tuxedo jacket. He grabbed my hand and I didn’t give it any more thought as I followed him into the ballroom.
We hung out like we always had, laughing and loving each other’s company. Austin was right when he said that we balanced one another out, we had our own dynamic.
Always had and always will.
When Lucas said he had to use the restroom, I leaned against the wall admiring how everyone appeared so happy and in love. I wondered if we looked like that, from an outside perspective. I contemplated if this could be a new beginning for us…
My question was answered when I heard Van Morrison through the speakers. I looked around until I found Lucas. There he was with a smug grin on his face, waiting for me to meet him on the dance floor. I didn’t have to ask to know he requested for the DJ to play this. They would never play Brown Eyed Girl at my senior prom.
He sang it to me the entire time, spinning me in circles and holding me too close for the rhythm of the music, but the mood changed drastically between us when the soft beats of Stand By Me by Ben E. King played next. He didn’t falter. He pulled me tighter into his strong, muscular body, fitting me perfectly in the nook of his frame. He guided my arms around his neck like he wanted no space between us, and then his arms wrapped around me, proving my point.
I laid my head on his chest and he placed his chin on top of my head, softly singing the lyrics to me again. It was around the chorus of the song when something felt different. He felt different.
And then it hit me. I softly shut my eyes with a single tear falling down the side of my face.
This wasn’t a new beginning for us.
It was the end.
He was saying goodbye.
When we got back into the truck, I just knew where we were going. He parked his truck in the driveway, the soft rumbling of the diesel engine hummed beneath our bodies. I stared at the house that stored so many memories of my adolescence. I wasn’t a child anymore. I was an adult.
A woman.
“You don’t have to bring me here to break up with me, Bo. We’re not even together,” I stated, never taking my stare away from the house that held my childhood.
“Where are you going to college, Alex?” he asked with a voice so calm it scared me.
“I don’t know.”
“Bullshit.”
I leaned my head against the headrest. “I thought I would go to Ohio State—”
“Why?” he interrupted, holding onto the steering wheel hard enough to make his knuckles turn white.
“What do you mean why? You know I want to be with you boys. I thought we could be—”
“No,” he firmly stated, immediately making me turn to look at him.
“No?” I repeated, confused.
“You’re not going there because of the boys. You’re going there because of me.”
“What does it matter?”
“It matters a lot. It matters more than it should. You’re following me, Alex.”
“So, what if I am.”
He let go of the steering wheel and bowed his head in defeat. I wanted to crawl into his lap and make it all go away, exactly how I did when we were kids and he was sad.
“You can’t follow me,” he let out. I didn’t want to hug him anymore, now I just wanted to scream at him.
“You can’t tell me what to do!”
He scoffed. “That’s all I’ve been doing, Alex, for our entire lives I have told you what to wear, who to talk to, what to do, it goes on and on. I can’t do that anymore. It’s not fair to you.”
I fervently shook my head. “You don’t mean that.”
“But I do. You need to experience your own life outside of me, outside of the boys. Damn even outside of this island, Alex.”
“I don’t want to, that’s not what I want. I want to be with you, with all of you. Why are you doing this to me?” I asked, my voice breaking as I wiped away the tears that slowly began to trickle down my face.
He shut his eyes like he was trying to make me disappear. I wouldn’t grant him that leniency.
“You’re a coward! At least look at me while you break my heart, Lucas! At least give me that!”
He shut his eyes tighter. “I can’t,” he softly spoke.
“Why now? After all this time! Why now? You owe me that!” Tears flowed freely down my face, I didn’t care anymore. I would wear them proudly.
“I’m not good for you.”
I bawled, my vision so blurry I couldn’t see in front of me. My chest heaving so profoundly that I thought I’d never be able to breathe again. “I thought you loved me. You said you loved me.”
“I do. That’s why I’m doing this,” he swallowed.
“So you string me along. All these years all you do is string me along? For what?” I cried. “For what!” I shouted and it echoed around the cab of the truck.
“I’m selfish,” he simply stated and I jerked back, wounded.
I sobbed uncontrollably, I wept so damn hard I felt like my tears would never end. That my pain would never end. I didn’t recognize the boy sitting in front of me with a bowed head and distant demeanor.
He wasn’t my Bo.
Bo wouldn’t allow me to cry. Bo wouldn’t allow me to feel anything other than loved. Bo wouldn’t break my heart and not have the decency to look me in the eyes as he did it. Making me bleed out through tears of despair and longing for a past that would never be a future, for a promise that would never come true.
Lies.
And more lies.
I hyperventilated, taking one last look at him before blankly staring out the window with a hollow feeling building inside me. The emptiness surged from my heart to my entire body, causing me to feel broken and truly alone. I had nothing left to say, nothing left for me to do. I don’t know how long we sat there, both of us lost in our thoughts and disillusions when he put the truck in reverse and drove me home.
He whispered, “I love you. I love you more than I love myself and that’s why I’m doing this. It’s for you, Alex. It’s for you.”
He shattered my heart… again. When I opened the truck door, I slammed it in his face.
I shattered…
His.
The boys went home for summer. I stayed behind and attended a summer session at school. There was no home left for me, I knocked down that house like the big bad wolf I felt I was. I pushed her away and I hated myself for it. She didn’t deserve that. Lily told me that she decided to attend UCLA, California. I told her she needed to find her own way, not a place thirty-three hours and 2,260.7 miles between us.
Giving me a fucking equator of distance.
I guess Aubrey and her were going to share an apartment. Dylan didn’t bat an eye when he told me. As much as he tried to pretend that he didn’t miss her, I knew he was full of shit. He became an asshole to women, a complete and total dick. You would think that would turn women off but it did the exact opposite, they became like a bitch in heat. Constantly wanting more and more of his attention that he wasn’t willing to give.