“Half-Pint, you were crying like a baby and it was the first time you got stitches. I had to tell you something,” he half-laughed.
“You’re coming with me to say bye. You’re going to smile and give him a hug. You will also be nice to him when he gets discharged. You’re going to go back to normal with him, and if you don’t, I’m going to be extremely disappointed.”
“Alex…”
“Do it for me?”
He took a deep breath, stepped aside and guided us toward the door, letting me win, but who knows for how long.
Things were awkward between Lucas and Austin. He was aware that Lucas was furious with him for being so reckless and blamed him for the accident. I couldn’t help thinking about what he told me at the pier before the party.
We were a lot alike.
The boys got to spend the next few days with me, but Dylan and Jacob had to go back to school. I couldn’t handle all three of them hovering over me, so with their parents help they were able to go back. Lucas, on the other hand didn’t care what his parents or I said. He always did what he wanted. He stayed through the weekend.
When I turned on my phone and the computer I had hundreds of text messages and emails from Cole. My mom said he was worried sick, and that he wanted to take the next flight out, but she let him know it wouldn’t help my recovery to have another person waiting around. She kept him updated and that seemed to appease him. Lucas stepped out of my bedroom growling something under his breath when he saw that I called Cole. I told him what had happened, trying to lessen the gravity of the situation. He said he wanted to take the next flight out to see me but changed his mind when I told him I was fine and I would see him over the summer. He sent an obscene amount of roses, chocolate, and a big Snoopy, which was my favorite cartoon from my childhood, surprised he remembered this from one of our conversations. Lucas threw Snoopy in the back corner of my closet, saying there wasn’t enough room for him and the stuffed animal. Then he took the roses out of my room, saying that the smell wasn’t good for my recovery, followed by throwing away the chocolate because I didn’t like any of those flavors anyway. I let him have his way. I didn’t want to argue with him. As much as I told everyone I was fine, I wasn’t. I was exhausted and emotionally drained from having everyone in my face over the last few days.
I had a feeling my mom would never let me leave the house again and my dad wouldn’t let me drive for a while. Or at least be in anyone’s car. Our parents were the best of friends. They were all upset and disappointed with Austin for the accident, but we were young and they remembered what it was like, at least that’s what they said.
“Do you want me to get you something?” Lucas asked for the tenth time.
“No. What I want is for you to stop doting on me. When do you leave again?” I teased, knowing he left tomorrow morning and secretly dreaded it.
“I know you’re full of shit,” he reminded as if reading my mind and I chuckled at the thought.
I glanced over at him as we lay in the center of my bed. “Thanks for being here.”
“Where else would I be?” he stated as a question though it wasn’t.
I once again beheld the ceiling. “You remember when we were kids and we used to come up with images on the ceiling texture.”
“I remember a lot of things.”
“Yeah, your stupid dinosaurs always ate my bunnies. I don’t understand why your images were so aggressive.”
He was quiet for several seconds and the silence unnerved me. Then he finally said, “I’ve never been so scared in my entire life, Half-Pint. I didn’t know fear like that was even possible.”
My eyes fell to my chest from the magnitude of his words. I knew this conversation was inevitable, but as more time went on I believed, no, I hoped that it would vanish. Be lost in the hurricane that surrounded us constantly. I had been avoiding it for as long as possible. I didn’t want to hear about what he felt. It hurt too much. I wanted to pretend nothing happened, add it to the pile of regrets, fights, and feelings to sweep under the rug.
“I don’t think I would have been able to—”
“I’m fine,” I firmly stated, but it didn’t matter. I could feel his intense and penetrating gaze on me, it flowed throughout my entire body, pumping right along with my blood and circulation.
“I wouldn’t have been able to live without you, Alex.”
“Don’t say stuff like that, Bo,” I murmured loud enough for him to hear.
“It’s the truth.”
“I’m trying like all hell to not be pissed at Austin, but I can’t help it. I’m sorry, Half-Pint. It’s going to take time for me to get over it.”
“It’s not his fault,” I reminded yet again.
“I don’t see it like that. You weren’t the one looking at your body that appeared lifeless. You weren’t the one picturing a life without you. You weren’t the one praying to every God known to man to let you be okay and not take you away from me.”
Silence.
I could hear my heart hammering in my ears and I swear he could, too.
“I can’t promise you that everything will be alright between Austin and me, but I can tell you that I will try.”
I nodded, my mouth dry.
“Alex, I think about that night all the time.”
My eyes widened in realization of what he declared and I found it hard to breathe, my broken ribs adding to my difficulty to find a steady rhythm. He wasn’t talking about the accident. My mind shifted through hundreds of images of that night at our abandoned house and everything that followed. I forcefully shut my eyes, trying to block out the images that replayed in my mind constantly. Wishing I could forget about it like I did the accident. I would have given anything for that to happen. I didn’t want to talk about that.
Not now.
“I never meant to hurt you. I’m sorry I—”
“Lucas,” I anxiously interrupted. “Let’s forget about that, okay? I can’t not right now.” It would lead into too many questions that I wasn’t prepared to answer.
Not ever.
“I just want you to know that night, it meant everything to me. I don’t ever want you to feel that I didn’t want—”
“Please.” I sat up, moving as far away from him as possible, hoping that the distance between us would affect him as much as it did me. Meeting his eyes with nothing but anguish and uncertainty in mine, I repeated, “Please.”
His eyebrows lowered, causing his eyes to narrow at me. “Why?” he asked, instantly standing up.
“Not now.” I backed away.
“I don’t understand. I’m trying to tell you that I didn’t want—”
I placed my hands over my ears like a child and peered down at the ground, blocking out the memories that haunted my everyday existence. “Please, Lucas, I’m begging you. Not now!” I shouted, losing the battle to remain calm.
He immediately engulfed me into his sturdy, comforting embrace, his arms caging me in his safety that I desperately craved. I hugged him as tight as I could, damned be my broken ribs, trying to provide the same reassurance that he gave me.
“Okay, I didn’t mean to upset you,” he whispered, kissing the top of my head. “I love you.”
I took in his words…
I was terrified that he would never look at me the same way.
I was terrified that he wouldn’t think of me the same way.
I was terrified he’d find out the truth.
I was terrified to hear him say…
I hate you.
Which is why we couldn’t talk about that night.
Austin got better and was on the road to a full recovery. He ended up having to go to summer school because he missed too many days due to the accident. They allowed him to walk at graduation, but he couldn’t have cared less. He did it for everyone else, including me. He became withdrawn from life and things that used to make him happy. I thought when he got accepted to Ohio State to follow the boys it might lift his spirits, but it didn’t. Not even a little. The judge charged him with a DUI, suspended his license for a year and on top of a hefty fine and legal fees he was to perform an obscene amount of community service, which only added to his reclusive behavior.
Aubrey got accepted to the University of California, I couldn’t have been happier for her. She had always been interested in design and fashion. She said her dad lived out there, but they didn’t have the best relationship, she hoped this could be a new start for the both of them. She never said anything about Dylan and the fact that he wasn’t a factor in her decision-making process worried me.
When she broke up with him a few weeks before she left for California, I knew I was right.
He didn’t take the break-up well and that’s putting it lightly. He trashed his entire room at his parents house, tore every memory of her out of his life. It looked like a hurricane had passed through it.
The irony was not lost on me.
I had never seen him so upset before, it broke my heart. When he finally talked to me about it, he said she became withdrawn. She wasn’t herself the entire summer. They weren’t very intimate, she didn’t allow him to hold her anymore, and she barely acknowledged or spoke to him, even when they were alone. He said he saw it coming and it led to a huge fight. But, then they had sex and he thought everything would be okay.