Coming In From the Cold(18)

He cried out loud as he thrust one more time, and the sound of it nearly  broke her heart. Her body squeezed his, as if to wring his pain away.

Breathing heavily, they clung together, unmoving. For several minutes it  was peaceful. His fingers skimmed her back with an absent touch. Willow  smoothed down his hair, gently massaging his neck. "You're going to be  okay," she said eventually. She slid her chin off his shoulder and  kissed him. "You're going to be fine."

He pulled back suddenly, staring, his face creased with pain. For a  moment she thought he might cry. But then he shook his head fiercely.  "I … I'm not, Willow," he said.

When he backed away from her, Willow lost her balance on the edge of the  table, sliding quickly to the floor. "What's the matter?" she asked.

But by then, he was yanking up his pants. "This can't happen anymore." He zipped himself together. "This has to end."

"Dane, it was you who … "

He grabbed his jacket off the floor. "This is toxic. I'm toxic."

At once she was angry and embarrassed. "Who would say that?" She heard  the anguish in her own voice as she scooped up her skirt, holding it in  front of her nakedness.

"I guess I would." He turned abruptly for the door.

Willow watched him go, stunned by the sudden departure. There was no apology. He didn't even say goodbye.

Her door slammed behind him.

She still stood there, frozen, as she heard the engine in his Jeep roar  to life, and then the sound of his tires kicking up gravel as he sped  down her driveway.

When it sunk in that he was really gone, Willow gathered up her clothes  and marched to the back of the house. With shaking hands, she plugged  the old claw-foot tub and began to run a bath for herself. She stepped  inside well before the water level was high enough. But he'd left her  feeling dirty, and she could not wait to bathe.

She breathed in the steamy air and tried not to cry. Good grief. She  ought to have known better. What did she really expect from someone  grieving? No-not even grieving. He was still in shock. Here she had made  the same mistake she always made-giving her heart to someone who wasn't  capable of loving her.

Again, you idiot! When will you learn?

Willow tipped her head back against the edge of the tub and let the  tears come. Maybe he'd even done her a favor. She knew now not to expect  anything from him. It would be simpler to tell him she was pregnant  after that forceful reminder of just how little he cared.





Thirteen





It was with great reluctance that Dane steered his Jeep up Willow's  driveway a few days later. He winced to see her truck parked in the  garage.

He and Coach were headed to Boston's Logan airport again. And now that  Finn was gone, there was no need to stop at the nursing home. He had  tried to come up with an itinerary that did not involve picking Coach up  here. But since Dane's equipment wouldn't fit into the sedan-and he  really didn't feel like giving Coach a lot of explanation-he would just  try to get his coach into the car without delay.

Dane got out of the Jeep and hustled toward Coach's door. "Hey, Coach,"  he said, opening the door and stepping into the living room.

"Hey, kid," Coach called, wheeling a duffel out of the little bedroom. "How are you feeling today?"                       
       
           



       

Because of Finn's death, Coach had suggested skipping the Italian race  entirely. But then Dane would lose out on the World Cup points, which he  did not want to do. And anyway, where was the sense in hanging around  his seedy room in Hamilton, thinking dark thoughts?

When in doubt, fly down a mountain.

"I'm good. Let's go win some points."

Coach looked at his watch. "Excellent. We'll even have time to grab some  dinner at the airport." Dane could feel him trying not to be relieved  that they'd arrive together in Italy on time.

Dane picked up Coach's duffel and carried it outside. A flick of his  eyes toward Willow's house detected movement inside. Please stay in  there, he thought. For both our sakes. Dane could not be in the same  room with that girl. Never again. He didn't know what it was about her,  but whatever it was, she messed with his head. She made him want  things-and do things-that were off limits.

No matter what, he could not let that happen again.

"Hey, Coach?" he asked, slamming the tailgate. "After we come back from  this race, I think we can pull out of here. We'll find some hovel in the  Alps and give our jet lag a break for the rest of the European tour."  The next six weeks were chock-full of contests on the continent.

Coach looked at him sideways. "I wasn't going to rush you. I thought after you buried your brother we could talk about it."

Dane nodded. "But I'm not doing a funeral."

"No? I can put on a suit."

"We don't have family," Dane said. "There's really no point."

He watched Coach wrestle with the idea of making a suggestion or letting it go. "Dane," he began.

C'mon, Coach, couldn't you let it go?

"You might regret not saying goodbye."

Dane shook his head. "I said goodbye a long time ago."

Coach worked his jaw. "All right. Give me five minutes? I've got to hit the head. Then we'll go." He walked away.

Christ.

Dane decided to wait in the Jeep.





* * *



Willow hadn't panicked when the green Jeep climbed her driveway. But it  quickly became apparent that Coach and Dane were going on a trip. The  back of the Jeep was full of ski bags and luggage. Willow did the math.  With the next dozen races in Europe (thank-you, Google), who knew when  he would be back?

She dreaded telling him, but it had to be done.

Through the window, Willow watched Coach walk away. Her knees felt  wobbly, but it was now or never. Without bothering to put on a jacket,  she went outside and circled the Jeep.

She saw Dane watching her approach from the driver's seat, where he sat with the door open. "Hi," he said warily.

"Hi," she said, her voice squeaking.

"About the other day … "

She held up a hand to silence him. "Forget the other day," she said.  "There's something else I need to say." She watched his face, but it  revealed nothing. His face wore the same watchful, intense expression  that she'd loved. There was no way he anticipated the bomb she was about  to drop.

Willow cleared her throat. "I know you don't need this right now, and I wouldn't go there if I was sure I'd see you again … "

He didn't say anything.

" … and there's no easy way to say it." Her throat clenched. "But I'm pregnant. And I thought you'd want me to tell you."

She watched him take it in, expecting a flare of anger and surprise. But  instead, all the light went out of his eyes. His expression flat, his  jaw hardened into a clench. "It can't be mine," he said finally.

"It is, Dane," she swallowed. "I'm sorry, and I don't want you to feel … "

"That's not possible," he whispered. "You told me you were on birth control."

"I …  I made a mistake." The flat expression on his face was almost  scarier than if he'd started yelling. "I lapsed a little … " She was too  rattled to defend herself further. She could only stand there, quivering  from stress.

"Fine. I'll overlook the fact that you lied to me. But I need you to  think, Willow." He licked his lips. "There must be someone else."

"There isn't," she said, trying to stand up for herself. "I know you aren't happy about this, but there's no chance I'm wrong."

He hung his head, and she almost missed the next words. "You can not have my baby."

"What?" she asked, even though she was pretty sure she understood.

"You can't. Because I … " his gaze came up to hers, and it was ice cold.  "It's a bad idea to have this baby. Tell me you're not going to."                       
       
           



       

Willow's mouth went dry. This was so much worse than she'd even  anticipated. Of all the disappointed things she'd imagined he might say,  she hadn't come close to guessing that he'd push her toward abortion.  But weirdly, his callousness helped. Because Willow saw it for what it  was. A girl couldn't study psychology for seven years and not hear the  truth through the noise.

This isn't about me.

The realization made it easier for her to survive the next sixty  seconds. She dug her fingers into her palms. "Dane, I'm sorry for my  failure. I wasn't trying to lie about the birth control. I just didn't  think the universe would be that cruel."

What he did next surprised her again. He actually laughed, but the sound  was bitter, and his face took on a look of disgust. "Willow, make no  mistake. The universe is very cruel."