***
“Are you okay?” Adrianna asked Cooper, as she climbed into her car.
No, he wasn’t. He really fucking wasn’t. “Yeah, I’m sorry tonight had to end before it really had the chance to get started. Something came up. I didn’t realize my roommate was bringing someone home.”
“No, it’s fine. I need to be home early tonight, anyway. I’m just worried about you. You were white as a ghost when you came upstairs.”
That’s because I saw my friend with another man. Saw them together and wanted… “Rain check?” he asked.
“If you’re lucky,” Adrianna winked, started the car, and drove away.
Part of him wanted to stay out here all night but he forced himself inside. He couldn’t look at Noah when he closed the door, but rather, started pacing the living room. His muscles hurt they were so tense. His heart pounded harder than he ever remembered it beating before.
And his brain? Fuck, he wanted nothing but to turn the thing off. To turn anything off inside himself that could think, feel…or become aroused.
“What’s wrong, man? You’re scaring the hell out of me.” Noah leaned against the living room wall, his arms crossed. Cooper groaned, wishing like hell he didn’t look at the man. Didn’t see concern in his eyes. His hair tousled from the hands that had been running through it. Wished like hell he would put on a shirt.
“Fuck!” Cooper punched the wall. Pain shot through his hand and up his arm, but he didn’t care. He wanted more of it to help him block the thoughts he tried to evict from inside him.
“Christ,” Noah hissed. “Talk to me. What happened? Did it freak you out that I brought someone home? Did it make you more uncomfortable than you thought it would?”
Yeah. Only not in the way he expected. Cooper actually felt like he could cry. Scream. He didn’t understand anything going on, and he wanted nothing more than to set fire to the thoughts. Burn them into ash so they could never form in his brain again. A dream was one thing but this? This was… “What the fuck’s wrong with me? There’s something wrong with me.”
He slid down the wall and crumpled to the floor. He sat there, back against the wall, but feeling like he had nothing to hold him up.
“Coop.” Noah’s voice cracked, and Cooper couldn’t stop himself from looking at his friend. The pain and understanding in his dark brown eyes simultaneously comforted, scared, and embarrassed him. In that moment Noah saw something in him, Cooper knew no one had ever seen before. Saw deeper than Coop even knew was there.
And he couldn’t turn away.
As much as the words scared him, he couldn’t not share this. Couldn’t not trust his friend with what he was feeling, even though it killed him. “I saw you with him.” It was hell when the one person you always felt like you could tell everything to, was the one to have you tied in knots. The one you wanted to run from. Needed, too, yet Cooper couldn’t make himself flee.
“Jesus. I saw you kissing that guy and…what the hell is wrong with me? I had a beautiful woman in my bed and…shit.” Cooper shook his head. Slid both hands through his hair and yanked as though that would somehow change things. “I wanted to kill him.”
I wanted to be him…
Dizziness hit him. All he could do was thank God he was already sitting down. Noah watched him. His eyes intense, looking, searching, always finding things inside Cooper that no one else could see.
They burned Cooper’s skin and were bright with…fuck. He didn’t even want to think of that.
Noah took a step toward him, but when Cooper shook his head, he stopped. He only had on jeans, the button undone and Cooper hated himself for even noticing that. For looking at the cut of his abs, and the long muscles of his arms.
He jerked his head the opposite direction. Still he couldn’t quiet his brain that kept telling him he shouldn’t be thinking the things he was, and everything else that begged him to explore his thoughts.
“Cooper,” Noah started, but Coop squeezed his eyes shut, and Noah stopped talking. Which made no sense considering Noah couldn’t even see his face, but somehow he’d known.
“I’ve never felt jealousy like that in my life.” He spoke so softly, he wondered if Noah could even hear him. Somehow he knew he could, which was good since he didn’t have it in him to speak any louder. He saw Noah’s hands on the other man’s waist as he’d kissed him against the wall. Saw Noah’s nails digging in. Saw how roughly Noah had had practically slammed the other man into the wall. He hadn’t had to be gentle. It had been rough and primal, and it splintered every fucking thing Cooper thought of himself. Hit buttons he didn’t know he had, and sprouted feelings he wanted to forget.