He lay against Drew for a long time after that. Cold air rushing from the rattling AC unit bathed his skin. Drew's fingers as he stroked his shoulder made him shiver. "The summer after Nathan left, I nearly slit my wrists. I had a sharp knife. Sat in the bathtub because that's how they did it on TV. Every night for a month, just playing with that knife. I couldn't do it."
"Why are you telling me this?" Drew's voice was distant, on the verge of sleep.
"So you'll know who I am, what I became," Quinn sighed against his hip. "Nathan doesn't know the real me. I don't want him to. I've done too many horrible things."
"You should tell him," Drew sighed in return, his fingers gentle in Quinn's hair.
"Anyway, after about six weeks, I started hanging out at this strip mall. There was an arcade there, it's gone now, burned down. I hated arcade games unless you count Skee-Ball, which they didn't have. I hooked up with a bunch of jocks and potheads and we'd drive out there because there was nothing else to do. I went because I was lonely. One night, we were on the verge of getting wasted on beer. My dad was newly elected Sheriff. Man, it was a high just being badass at eighteen. These two guys came out of the store. I'd seen 'em around. They worked at the plant. They looked like they should be on wanted posters, if you know what I mean. The other guys got spooked and ran off. Me, I just stood there looking at them. I knew what they were after. They offered me money and I went with them."
"Quinn-"
Quinn sighed again, shutting Drew's warning out. He had to tell someone or go crazy. "It was this room. I found myself handcuffed to the headboard. They shoved this vile smelling shit under my nose and everything got nice. They took turns. I hadn't hit six-foot yet and I weighed maybe one-thirty soaking wet. Pretty little blond twink. That's what I was. A pretty little blond twink who couldn't get enough dick. I whored myself for it. That one time for kicks, then after my dad cut me off financially and I got kicked out of school, I sold myself to survive. I sold Nate's dad my Jeep and when I ran out of money, I played street corners and blew strangers for money. Poppers, yeah, made it easy, made it all nice; a little hit of something to make me easy. Sex, drugs, it was all the same, I was addicted to the rush. Those two guys did things to me that would make you roll over and cry. And I begged for more. They gave me more. Until that night, I only knew Nate. I would have stayed with him forever. He owned me. But he left. And now he's back and we're together. So what the fuck am I doing back in this damned room … messed up all over again?"
Drew didn't say anything, he just held him as the first tear rolled down his hip. "I don't want to love you, Drew. I don't want to feel anything for you. But I do. And so does he. This isn't going to work. You know that, don't you? I can't love two men. I'm not made that way. And I won't give him up. I lived without him too long to lose him now."
"I'm going to make sure this ridiculous murder suspicion is laid to rest, then I'm leaving. I won't ever come back. I'll find someone who'll make me forget you and … him." Strangled tears clogged Drew's voice.
Without a word, Quinn kissed his hip and climbed out of bed to dress. Nathan would be home by now. He didn't want to worry him. He stopped at the door and looked back to where Drew lay naked, his honey-toned skin inviting him to touch, to stay. He ignored the stark pain in Drew's eyes and said, "I could love you. I do love you. I just can't … you know."
"I know," he said, blinking back what looked suspiciously like tears.
Quinn nodded and left as silently as possible.
Chapter Fourteen
Nathan waited for him in the kitchen. He'd moved on to water from beer. It was late, he'd had too many at the picnic. But that wasn't why he was restless.
He heard the sound of Quinn's car in the drive. The soft purr of the European engine sounded foreign in the forest that surrounded the house. The door closed softly, but not so soft that Nathan couldn't hear. He knew the moment he walked in that something was wrong. Quinn's eyes were dark blue and expressionless. He'd learned too well how to shutter his emotions over the years. He was better at it than even Nathan now.
"Where have you been?" He hadn't meant to say that, he hadn't meant the accusation in his voice.. "I was worried. It's late."
"Out driving, thinking." Quinn hung his keys on the rack beside the door. "How is Natalie?"
"She's good, worried about me but what else is new. You would think she was the oldest." He smiled. Quinn didn't meet his eyes. He went to the coffee maker and measured out a mountain of grounds. His hands shook. "What's going on, Quinn?"