"After that. Skip the Nathan dying part. He was in surgery to stop the blood loss, you were in the waiting room alone when I came in. You looked like death warmed over. What do you remember after that?"
"Nothing. We sat and talked, I cried, I don't know. Those three days are all jumbled in my head. Where is this going?"
Drew just lay there breathing heavily, not moving. When he finally spoke, the tears in his voice startled Quinn. "You were on the verge of a mental break. The nurses were terrified for you … of you."
"Well, damn. I'd just watched Nate fucking die, he was blue. I'd only just gotten him back. I was done with life, done with hurting. I wanted oblivion."
"I know. They knew, one of the doctors okayed a sedative for you. It was morphine and you freaked out. I managed to get you into an empty room so I could control you after you refused the drug."
Quinn felt the crushing weight of memory descend upon him. "I told you about my addiction, didn't I? My real addiction. If they'd given me morphine, it would have sent me straight back to hell. Cocaine was just the lie I used to hide behind. Heroin was like candy to me."
"You told me that nobody knew except Alan Chapman, and he would never tell."
"I pulled a full-on Nikki Sixx. He saved my life when I overdosed right after Bethany told me she was pregnant. I nearly died and still wanted the shit. Checked out of rehab to get a fix. No one knows that but Chapman. I told you, didn't I? I've never even told Nate."
"I suspected as much." Drew threw his arm over his face, Quinn rolled with the motion to face him.
"What aren't you telling me? If I don't remember that, then what else don't I remember?" Dark images threatened to engulf him, heat and longing and fear all choking him.
"You were my first, Quinn. That night, first kiss, first taste of sex with a man, first every damn thing, and you didn't remember the next day."
Quinn scrambled off the bed, terror clawing a hole in his chest. "No, I wouldn't have … Last night … that was the first time."
"No, you were my first that night on the floor in the hospital. It started a lot like this. Us fighting, you out of your mind with grief. It ended with me hurting and you passed out in my arms. But you know it never ended. It's all here in my head. Me, you, and Nathan. It's all a swirling mess of wanting something I can't have, loving and hating, and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm not gay. I'm not … I wasn't. But it felt so good when you kissed me that night. You tasted so good, I wanted more and more; even when you were inside me, you called me Nate, you told me you loved me, and I loved you in that moment because he was dying and you were dying and I wasn't going to lose you both. I couldn't lose you both. I hated you for having him when I wanted him. I hated you for making me want you too. When it was over, you cried yourself to sleep in my arms."
"You're lying." Quinn felt his heart hitch into his throat, flutter and stop, flutter and stop. "You have to be lying."
"Why would I lie? Come on, Quinn, why? What would I gain by lying about that night?"
"Rape. I raped you, is that what you're saying? I wouldn't, I wouldn't. Not even high, I wouldn't."
"Christ, it wasn't rape. Shit, Quinn, I wanted it so much. The adrenaline racing through my system, I was about to explode with it. It was violent and painful but it was what I wanted. I let you seduce me, I let you hold me down, I let you."
Drew came off the bed and crossed the small distance. His hands were like vise grips closing over Quinn's wrists. He wrenched Quinn's arms over his head and pressed his body against him. "I loved every second of it. The kisses were so fucking hot. I'd never been kissed like that before. Your hands, the calluses on your fingers felt so good on my dick, I was ready to explode from just the touch. You spit in my ass, using your fingers to stretch me, fingers and spit and cum, my cum was all the lubricant we had. The floor was hard and cold under my face, you held me down and fucked me. Calling me baby and Nate. Telling me you loved me. I loved you. Wanted you. Wanted it harder, faster. Wanted it, wanted you. I'm glad it was you and not him."
Quinn groaned, Drew's body was hot against his, his eyes focused and intense. Lust, longing, hate, love, it was all there in his eyes. Drew's cock was hard and hot against him. He moved with each word he spoke. Pressing against him, making Quinn want. Dark images merged in his head. The smell of smoke and fear surrounded him. A need so great he couldn't control it. Drew's hands on his just like now, holding him, trying to talk sense into him. He'd hated him in that moment. He remembered. He didn't want to calm down, he wanted Nate, he wanted oblivion.