"On you. Oh, God, I'm so sorry, baby, I didn't mean to. It just happened." He seemed to shrink, his massive body crumpled against Quinn, becoming almost small as he drew inward.
"Well, I'd be lying if I said I didn't expect it. I mean, Nate, I see the way you look at them when we're out and they have things I lack. And if you remember back before the incident, I told you-"
"It wasn't with a woman, Quinn. I haven't even thought about sleeping with a woman since we've been together. I don't know, I guess I just lost the urge."
"Okay." Stunned, he searched his mind for a guy who might have caught Nate's eye in the past couple of days. It had to have been recent. Nate couldn't keep things from him long.
"It was Drew. This afternoon," Nate said quietly, almost too quietly. Quinn didn't mean to but he pulled away, climbing to the headboard where he grabbed a pillow and wrapped his arms around it. "I'm sorry, Quinn. Say something. Please."
"You fucked Drew? Andrew Walker? Agent Walker? Where? Oh, God. Shit, Nathan … " He stopped when Nate's body trembled under the onslaught. Shit, it must be bad if Nate was crying.
"I didn't fuck him. I wanted to, was going to before I came to my senses. I don't know how it happened. We were fighting-he's been pissy lately-and then we were kissing, and then I jacked him. I'm sorry. Please, baby, it won't happen again. Don't be angry."
Quinn didn't know how to process this version of Nathan, his wild eyes filled with fear and tears. His begging as he crawled toward him. This wasn't Nate, this was-stupid. "I'm not angry. What makes you think I'm angry?"
"You called me Nathan."
"Oh, I'm sorry, baby. I'm not angry. Upset a little, yeah; confused, a lot; but not angry." He moved to wrap Nate in his arms, he wiped Nate's face, kissed his lips, and rocked him much like he would his daughter when she was upset. That this was Nathan trembling in his arms alarmed him. "I didn't see it coming. Give me a minute to process something like this, okay?"
"Okay." He didn't say anything else, instead Nate wrapped his arms around him and held on as if he were afraid of losing him if he let go.
"With Drew, are you serious? Drew is gay? I admit I don't have the world's most reliable gaydar, but Drew? How the fuck did I miss that?"
"He says he isn't. He's angry for lusting after me all these years. He kissed me first."
"And you liked it, I take it? Enough to grab his dick."
"Shit, Quinn, don't joke, okay? Get angry, punch me, yell, something, just don't joke about it."
Quinn sighed, holding him closer. "It's not funny. I know. And as much as this is eating you alive, baby, it's nothing to worry about."
"I cheated, it's that simple. I might not have-"
"Okay, stop right there." Quinn sighed again. He never thought he'd have to tell Nathan the gay facts of life, but there was no sense in him beating himself up over this either. "I know this is monumental to you, Nathan-Nate, but baby, in the gay world-the world in which I ran for many years-this is nothing. Kissing and petting isn't cheating. Hell, it sort of turns me on knowing that you felt free enough to even go that far. Monogamy is defined differently is all I'm saying. Yeah, sure there are gay couples who live a monogamous lifestyle, the same way we've lived. But for the most part, monogamy isn't the rule in gay culture. Just kissing and jacking him, that wasn't cheating. If you'd fucked him, well, yeah, then you'd have something to confess."
Nathan pulled away from him, his eyes had lost some of the wildness but Quinn was more worried about the burning anger that had taken its place. "No, I haven't. You don't need to ask, Nate. It's for the same reason I was celibate all those years. Because of you. Because you think straight, because you wouldn't accept it. I haven't touched anyone but you in six years, I swear."
"But you've thought about it?"
Quinn closed his eyes, praying the next thing out of his mouth wouldn't cost him everything. "Yes. I've thought about it. When I'm gone too long, when I'm lonely, when I'm weak. I've been tempted to fall back on instinct. A quick blow job in the back of a club to take the edge off. And there have been offers. Shit, the men I meet … oh, baby, sometimes I just want to touch them."
"But you don't?"
"No, I don't. I am a pro at masturbation. Geez, look at you blush. Damn, I haven't seen you blush in years." He flicked the tip of Nate's nose.
"I'm still sorry. Drew blindsided me. I never saw it coming, and when it was there, I couldn't think straight."
"Because you're gay, baby doll. Hell, I'm starting to question the bi part. I see you looking. I've been waiting for you to decide you needed a woman. Or to take me up on having another baby."