"Nate told me this morning that he once had a fantasy about a three-way with Axl Rose and me. I'm not sure how to take that. I think Bon Jovi is more my type."
She snorted into his shirt.
"What's a little snot between friends, right?"
"You're talking about three-ways and you're worried about a little bit of snot? With all of the other body fluids to choose from … "
"I like the other body fluids. Snot, not so much."
She grew silent for a long time.
"What about Drew?"
"He's gone, Nat."
"He could come back," she said, rolling over to stare up at the sky. He lost her hand but she grabbed his in her other hand and linked their fingers.
"We'll cross that bridge when we get to it," he said, his heart thudding in his chest.
"I hope he comes back." She squeezed his hand. "I love him. I want him to be happy."
The sky above blurred. Quinn didn't bother to blink. "I do too."
* * * * *
He was halfway to the station when he decided they could all go to hell. He changed direction and drove to the hospital instead. He'd had enough questions and accusations to last a lifetime. He'd had enough violence and bullshit too.
Natalie's words haunted him. "He won't see me, Nathan. He won't even let me into the room. Please … I don't know what you can do. But … please. Talk to him."
She wasn't pleading for herself. He knew that. Not that it would have mattered. Natalie was allowed one moment of selfishness. If she was hurt that her lover had shut her out, she had every right to be. She wasn't. She was afraid for Lonnie. She'd been afraid for Nathan once upon a time.
He parked and went inside. He didn't ask for permission to see the patient regardless of visiting hours. He still had his badge. His people were in charge of Lonnie's security. He walked past the nurses and stopped to nod to the deputy at the door.
"Captain," he said, keeping his eyes straight ahead.
Nathan clapped him on the shoulder and let himself inside.
Alonzo Ortiz was a big man. He was taller than Nathan by at least a couple of inches. His shoulders were incredibly wide. His waist impossibly narrow. His arms bulged with muscles that didn't come from a gym. He worked steel. He carried raw materials on those wide shoulders. He never complained. He did his job and the job of six other men because that was Lonnie.
Lonnie lay on his side, facing away from the door. He seemed diminished. Nathan could hear his breathing. He wasn't sleeping. He wasn't even pretending to sleep. He was hoping anyone coming in would think he was sleeping and leave him alone. Nathan knew the position well. He'd had no real choice but to lie on his side the last time he'd spent time in the hospital. It hadn't worked for him either.
He didn't ask for permission, he pulled a chair up to the bed and sat down. He had a fabulous view of Lonnie's back. All that gorgeous light brown skin. "Not even a freckle," he said in wonder.
Lonnie rolled over, half sitting to glare at Nathan. "The fuck?" he said, his words slightly slurred, but not from drugs. "Nathan?"
Nathan didn't bother hiding the fact that he was raking the man's beautiful body with his gaze. Natalie was a lucky woman. "I said that you have perfect skin. Not even a freckle. No tats. No visible scars. You're a lucky man, Alonzo Ortiz. One goddamned fucking lucky bastard to be sitting here giving me a slack-jawed go-fuck-yourself glare."
Lonnie raised the back of the bed up and settled back against the pillows to ignore Nathan. "You could have saved yourself a trip. I'm done talking."
Okay, he was going for difficult. Nathan had done that as well. "I'm not a cop right now. I'm family, I guess. I understand that congratulations are in order. You're going to be my niece's father."
Lonnie cracked an eyelid. He paled visibly. "Listen, man. I need some time. I'm not ready to talk to her yet. I don't know what to tell her."
Nathan scooted his chair closer to the bed. So close he could lean over Lonnie if he wanted to. "This isn't about Natalie or the cops. It's not about you. Not really."
"Then what? Don't tell me you're checking me out, because, man, that is just wrong." Lonnie wasn't joking with him. He didn't sound offended, but he definitely wasn't kidding around.
"You are a beautiful man. Natalie has wonderful taste," Nathan said just to see him scowl. He didn't know if he could do this. He settled back in his seat and took a deep breath.
"I was raped." He decided to rip the bandage off and be done with it. "By a man. I was sodomized against my will. And I was helpless to stop it. I pretended for years that I was over it. That I didn't remember most of it. I didn't at first. But with time … He used a gun on me. My gun. When he finished sodomizing me, he … cut me. He carved words into my back while I screamed. He kept me awake for everything he did to me. Everything. I wasn't drugged, Lonnie. I wasn't out of my mind. I was awake for every minute of what he did to me. It was the night before the blizzard hit. He'd planned to kill me and burn my body in my own house. He burned in my place because someone got to me. They just weren't in time to save me. I died. I lost too much blood and hypothermia had set in. But somehow, I came back. I came back and my hell was just beginning. I was a man. How do you rape a man? How did that happen to me? To me? I was a Marine. I am a cop. I'm not some poor helpless sap who brought that shit on himself. I thought these things. I had poison in my blood. In my brain. And when I couldn't stand myself, I tried to eat my gun. The same gun he'd used to sodomize me, because that's what I thought I deserved. I couldn't stop it. The anger and self-loathing was killing me. Because I wouldn't let anyone help me. Because I didn't want to infect anyone with my poison. I thought I was better off dead. I thought my family would be spared the shame." Nathan had to stop to wipe his face.