"I don't know," Quinn said, his face never revealing a single emotion. "I was hoping you knew. He saved me. Twice. I need him as much as I need you. I hoped you would tell me what to do to make it better. Because I don't know anymore."
Nathan shoved his hands into his pockets and rocked on his bare feet. He sucked back the pain that was lodged in his chest for hours. He dragged his hands out of his pockets to cover his face. He sank to his knees. His world spiraled out of control. He couldn't be the rock anymore. He couldn't hold anyone up anymore. He couldn't even hold himself up. He howled when it all broke free. All of the pain and fear and hopeless helplessness.
There were no words. He couldn't think of anything to say. Not even to scream at the world. He'd lost his innocence in this place. He'd nearly lost his life. He'd had his choice stripped from him. He pretended he was fine. That some fancy ink could cover the scars that went clear to his bones.
He was broken and there wasn't enough glue in the world to put him back together.
Strong arms wrapped around him and Nathan let himself be engulfed. He leaned his head on sturdy shoulders and poured his heart out. "I can't lose you," he sobbed the words. "I can't lose you. I can't. I can't stop seeing the gun. I saw you fall. I thought it was you. I thought I'd lost you both. I thought I'd lost … everything. I can't keep losing you. I can't." He clawed at Quinn's back, hating his silence. Hating that Quinn saw him like this. "I forgive you. I forgive you."
"I don't want you to forgive me." Quinn's voice was hollow and cold. Nathan knew it was over. There was no picking up the pieces this time. "I want to be the man you don't ever have to forgive," Quinn said, surprising him "I don't deserve your love or your forgiveness. I can't ask that much. I didn't want to feel anything for him. I didn't want to lose what we have for him. He saved us. I can't just forget that. He didn't have to save us."
Nathan nodded. "He should have been the one to walk away."
There was nothing else to say. He had nothing left. He spent it all. Every fucking bottled-up emotion he had. He'd spent it all on Quinn. "Okay," he said wiping his eyes. "Okay, let's go home."
Quinn stood first. He held out his hand to Nathan. Nathan took it and followed him to the car. Quinn got behind the wheel and drove them home.
Chapter Thirty-One
Dishes clattered. There was the scent of food. People talked. Quinn peeled one eye open. His lashes were crusted together. He'd cried himself to sleep. He remembered that much. He laid on his stomach on the bare mattress, he was still dressed. His pillow smelled of sex and aftershave. He was alone. Except for the voices.
The people talking weren't happy. They were muted and hushed like they were at a funeral. Women. One man. He could hear water running. He could smell the soap he bought from a specialty shop in Memphis. He had no fucking clue what time it was. His stomach ached.
Quinn crawled out of bed, he followed the scent of the soap into the bathroom. Nate leaned against the wall in the shower, he let the massaging shower beat down on his back. "There are people in the house," Quinn muttered through sleep-numbed lips. "Did you let anyone in?"
"Uhn, uhn," Nate muttered back. He sounded as out of it as Quinn felt. "I got a call to come in for more questioning. That's all I know right now."
Quinn used the toilet and washed his hands. That's all the courtesy he was going to give intruders. "They better not be stealing the leftover pizza, that's all I have to say."
"When did we get leftover pizza?" Nate asked. He sounded as if he could use a slice or two of leftover pizza.
"Not a clue … wish pizza." Quinn's stomach growled at the talk about pizza. "I'll go see what they want. Be prepared to come up with ransom."
"Make sure they leave a note so I know where to deliver it, and tell them it's coming in pennies."
"Works for me." Quinn wondered what the conversation would sound like to anyone listening in. He wondered why he'd gone straight for the morbid. "Pray for me, I'm going in."
"Dear God in heaven, Howard be thy name … lead him not into temptation … he doesn't need any more shortcuts. And bless the leftover pizza. Amen."
Quinn felt a smile tilt his lips. He didn't want to smile, but he loved when Nate said insane shit. That's how he knew it was all going to be okay. Maybe it wasn't going to be okay, but he could pretend.
He closed the bedroom door behind him. The room lay in shambles and he didn't want anyone to wonder who they'd murdered in there. The thought struck him hard. Like a kick to the gut. He could still smell Drew on his pillow and now he was gone.