Quinn dragged his feet out of the water and rested them on the raft, his knees bent. He drew in a deep breath. He was still caught up in memories of the first time he'd almost lost Nate. He wasn't ready to jump right into the second time … the time he really had lost Nate.
"Bethany overdosed on smack. Smack that she got from me. Because I took her daughter away. It's not the same thing, but that's the closest I can get to having killed someone." Quinn let Nate's hand go, but Nate took his back. "Heroin, Nate. I need heroin. Now. Or I did. She was the reason I don't have the scars most junkies have. But … my deepest darkest secret … I sold my soul for heroin."
"I know." Nate didn't sound the slightest bit surprised. "I've seen enough addicts to know what most of them jones for. That's why I kept you … God, you were fucking trashed at my wedding. I could smell it on you. Walking away from you that day … I feared for you, Quinn. I couldn't listen to country radio for years for fear that one day they'd report that you'd pulled a Nikki Sixx, without the resurrection part."
His brain wasn't vibrating anymore. Quinn noticed that now. Sex in the car. Nate had known he was barely hanging on by his ragged fingernails. "Do you want to talk about her? Victoria, I mean. You don't have to."
Nate lay silently for a long time. Long enough for Quinn's hair to start to dry. Nate heaved a huge sigh and Quinn knew he'd been trying to deal with it. He was failing. "She was a petite girl. Pretty. Not beautiful. She had short brown hair with spiky bangs. Hazel eyes. She was cute. Nothing like the girls we went to school with, you know. I can't explain why I thought she was different. I was at Lejeune. I was set to deploy in the next few months. We weren't in Bosnia yet. We weren't in any kind of conflict at that point and … it was right before my nineteenth birthday. I hadn't had sex with anyone in a year. She didn't remind me of you. She had nothing to do with you. She had a friend and she was cute. My buddy and I … Jesus … I wanted to fuck him. I guess in some twisted way, that was why I picked her. She was convenient, and he wanted her friend. Twisted fucking shit. I wasn't fucking her. Not really. I was fucking him through her."
Quinn squeezed his hand to let him know he understood. They'd messed each other up. There was no denying that. In a way, he and Nate were each other's downfall. "You married a woman you didn't love … and I prostituted myself to men for drugs." He closed his eyes waiting for Nate to condemn him.
"We're fucked up, that is no lie," Nate said. He didn't release Quinn's hand. "I read the police reports your dad tried to hide, Quinn. I've known for years what you did to survive. He blamed himself for cutting you off financially. You know that, right?"
"I know. It's my greatest shame. I didn't do it to survive. Not at first. I did it because it was fun. Because I needed the … fix. Sex and drugs. I told you that years ago. It's all the same to me. The rush. I crave the rush. I crave the … violence. It's like I need to shed my skin. Like if I can't get it, I get too tight. I start scratching and clawing. I come off stage and I'm buzzing. I need to fly. I can't quite get from buzzing to flying. You don't know how that feels."
Nate sat up suddenly. He left Quinn lying on his back staring up at a dark cloud scudding across the sky to block out the sun. The loss of his touch nearly killed Quinn. Nate's shoulder slumped. He hung his head. Quinn sat up and pulled his knees up to his chin. He wrapped his arms around his legs and stared down at the water. He could see their images reflected back. A trick of the light and two children stared back at him. One dark, the other light. Huge smiles on their tiny faces. God, he wanted that day back. He wanted Nathan to swim for the raft and make it. He wanted to be the one to swim beside him. He wanted to be the one to be there in case he faltered. He'd been the one to falter. He'd been the one to drown. He would be the one who drowned them both.
Nate lifted his hands and extended his fingers, clenching them into fists. He sat like that, clenching and unclenching his hands until his fingers froze mid-clench. "I can't," he said softly, he didn't look at Quinn. "I killed a man once. With these. Just these. He'd just killed my CO. He tortured my men. He was trying to kill me. He made the mistake of thinking I was done. He turned his back on me. And I snapped his neck." Nate's hands shook. "I kill people, Quinn. I have killed so many people. I would have killed Brody Harper. I would have torn him to shreds. I could tear you to shreds as easy as looking at you. You have to know that. What we just did. I thought about it. I hate you so much sometimes. I know you cheat. I knew you'd fucked Walker in the hospital. I knew the moment I woke up. And I hated you for it. You cheat and you lie and you think I'm stupid and blind. You want me to be like we were in the Keys when I was trapped in my head. I wanted to kill you, Quinn. You push and you push and you push. One day I'm going to snap … and it will be your face that I see in my nightmares. It's always your face. His face. Drew's face. Jesus. You think I don't know that you want more from me. One day I won't look the other way. One day I will give you what you want. I will be the fucking gun that you keep putting to your head."