“It was hot,” I growl.
“It was very hot. And it’s not going to go anywhere.”
I already know this, but that she’s saying it, irks me. I know why I think it has to stop, and why Denver isn’t an altogether bad thing when it comes to Drew and keeping my hands off her. I know I’ve never had a desire to really love someone, and give them everything.
But why is she putting the brakes on?
“Why not?” My nerves ball up, expecting her to bring up my age again. I really don’t want to hear that shit again. What does age matter? That’s not our problem.
“Why not?” she asks like I should know the answer.
“Yeah, tell me why.”
After a long sigh, she crosses her arms, too. “Do you want something serious? Do you want to be in a relationship?”
Struck silent, I stare at her. “No.”
Unblinking, we hold each other’s look before she slowly nods. “That’s what I thought.”
“Why does it have to be serious?”
“Because it does. Because it is,” she sighs, releasing her arms to run her fingers through her long hair. I can still remember how it smelled when I buried my face in her neck. “Sex is the most intimate thing two people can do together outside of giving birth and killing one another. Acting like it’s casual is lying to yourself.”
“Lots of people have casual sex and are just fine with that,” I argue.
“Not me,” she whispers. “I can’t do that. After I left today, I drove around the city and I went to Piedmont Park and just sat and thought about things. Today was incredible, Jake. Too incredible. And that’s how I know I can’t keep sticking my hand in the basket thinking the cobra won’t bite. Sooner or later.”
“Are you calling my cock a cobra? I’m thinking more python.”
She smiles. “I’m being serious.”
“I know. I really do agree with you, I just don’t like it.”
“Me neither.” She runs her hands through her hair again and shakes it out. “I will fall for you, if we continue to do what we did today.”
“Fuck like our lives depended on it?”
She smiles. “You’re ridiculous.”
“You like it,” I mutter, pretending to be having fun, but there’s no smile in my gut or on my face. Losing the jokes, I look at the floor and confess, “I’m not used to this, what you’re doing right now. I’m used to games and attempts to manipulate me.”
Drew laughs a little. “I’m sure. But isn’t it better this way?”
“Harder to hear. You have to face it.” I inhale and push off the wall, shoving my hands in my pockets. “You got the job.”
Her eyes go wide and her jaw drops open with happy surprise. “I did?”
“Your interview was spectacular. That’s what I told my uncle.”
She runs over and smacks my arm. “Shut up! Are you fucking with me? I really got the job?”
“Yeah. I told him you were eager.”
She hits me again and I can’t help but laugh.
“Jake!!!”
“To learn! Eager to learn! No, seriously. You got the job. Congratulations.”
Her smile disappears in an instant. “Is it just because we…”
“No! No, I think you’ll do great.” My mind is on the books she’s been studying, but I can’t tell her how impressed I am by how she’s going after this. The job search was one thing, but that nightly studying deepens my respect for her.
“My uncle has a thing for helping people, so it was actually in your favor that you have no experience. That’s why I have to go to Denver. He kept trying to give this guy Dwight a chance, but he blew it. My uncle thinks he’ll still get his shit together and get sober. I’ll be there until that happens, I guess.” Drew is watching me intently. “Uncle Don never gives up on someone until he has no other choice.”
When she knows I’m done, she softly says, “Your uncle sounds like a good man.”
“He is.” A lump forms in my throat, because of how proud I am of my family. The one I’m going to be far away from. Now is the perfect time to exit this too difficult conversation. “I’ll leave you to whatever it is you do at night.”
Drew calls after me, “Thank you for the job, Jake. I won’t let you guys down.”
I wave over my shoulder without looking back. In my room I close my door and take a half dozen deep breaths. I tear off my shirt because it’s suddenly very hot in here. Blinking around my room, I shake my head and walk to a photo of my own, one that hangs on the wall. It’s my brothers and me when I was only fifteen. We’re all such different heights here. Jaxson is the oldest but Jett, one year younger is taller than him in this, stockier, too. They’re the same height now, maybe an inch difference. Jett’s still stockier. Jax is sinewy from workin’ on his ranch. Then there’re the twins on either side of me. Justin’s mouth is open because he’s telling our mom how to take the picture. Jason is laughing because Justin’s bossing her around. I’m smirking because of the shit we pulled that day that Mom didn’t know about. I forget what it was, but we got into some kind of trouble in Cascade Springs Park. In this I’m scrawnier than the older four, shorter by a couple inches at least. Then there’s Jeremy, Mr. Serious, only thirteen, the baby. “Can’t believe you’re a Marine now, you fucker,” I mutter to his goofy smile. I haven’t seen him smile like this in a long time, always so serious now that he’s a man.