“Because ‘dumbass Tony’ paid me a little visit earlier today that triggered the need-to-throw-down-Adriana trap.”
Jude studied my hands folded on my lap. “He told you what Payton told him?”
“Yeah.”
“So was it me or Tony who convinced you I was telling the truth?” The wrinkles around his eyes deepened.
“You, Jude,” I answered. “I promised you I’d trust you. I didn’t want to believe it, but I trusted you. Tony was just the one that shined a light on the truth.”
His jaw tightened. “So when you got in your car and drove here, were you coming to see Adriana? Or me?”
I couldn’t lie to him, but I couldn’t verbalize the truth. My lack of response answered his question.
His eyes closed as his head fell into his hands.
“Jude,” I began, “no matter whom I came here to see, I didn’t come here to hurt you.” Sliding down the bed, I wished the pain relievers would kick in faster. “The last thing I want to do is hurt you. And that’s all I seem to be capable of lately.”
The only solution to keep from hurting him anymore was to leave.
“Thanks for the patching up,” I said, scooting off the end of the bed. “You really do know what you’re doing when it comes to fight wounds. Lucky me.” I flashed him a smile over my shoulder as I stood up. I staggered in place as every muscle screamed at me for the prostrated position. Gritting my teeth, I headed towards the door.
“Do you really hate being around me so much now that you’d high tail it away from me when you can barely stand?”
His words stopped me, but it was his voice that broke me. That deep, warm voice a girl could lose herself in had just been drained of all its soul.
“I don’t hate you, Jude,” I said, staring at the door. “I love you. That’s the problem. I love you so damn much it’s unhealthy.” I caught a sob that was about to burst from my chest. “That’s why I needed time and space. That’s why I can’t stay here with you a minute longer.”
“You’ve had time, Luce. I’ve given you your space,” he said, the bed moaning as he stood. “I’ve aged fifty years in three weeks’ time because I did my part and stayed away from you. But now you’re here. And maybe you’re not here because of me, but either way, you couldn’t stay away.”
He paused, and while I didn’t see what was playing out on his face because I couldn’t turn around and face him, I could imagine.
“You need more time? Fine. I can do that. I could do anything for you, Luce. But, please, for god’s sake, just give me some hope.”
A tear skied down my cheek, bleeding into one of my bandages.
“Give me the smallest sliver of hope there’s still going to be a place for you and me on the other side of this.”
I couldn’t lie to him. I couldn’t hurt him. Why these two desires couldn’t fit hand-in-hand was one of the reasons I’d concluded life wasn’t fair.
“I won’t lie to you, Jude,” I whispered, choosing not to lie to him which, by admission, made me hurt him.
Now I really couldn’t stay in this room any longer. Rushing towards the door, my legs feeling like they were going to cave under me with each step, I bit back the tears.
“Don’t go,” he whispered.
His request worked on me like it’d been a demand.
I heard the floor groan as he walked over it, slowly coming up behind me.
“Stay,” he asked, stopping behind me. I could feel the warmth rolling from his chest he was so close.
“I can’t,” I said, focusing on the shiny brass of the doorknob. It was both the gateway to my escape as well the path to my personal hell.
“I know,” he said, the floorboards whining as he took one more step towards me. His chest ran against my back, but he didn’t touch me anywhere else. “Don’t stay because you want to. Stay because I want you to.”
Damn it. My heart couldn’t break one more time before it became impossible to fit back together.
“Come on,” he pleaded, his heart bursting into my back, “think of it as an early Christmas present.”
I closed my eyes.
“I know I’m not entitled to one, but I want one. I need one.” Jude had just enough pride not to beg, but it was the closest I’d heard him to it. “Stay.”
And that was my undoing. The boy who made mothers cross the streets with their children when they saw him walking down the sidewalk; the boy who didn’t have any one else; the boy I loved, begging me as he only knew how to stay with him.
“Okay,” I said, reaching my hand behind for his.