She sighed in relief as she watched them walk out the door.
* * * *
Quinn drove blindly with no real destination in mind. Ben sat silently beside him. After an hour, Ben pointed to a road and said to turn onto it. Quinn continued to follow his brother's instructions until they were parked on a deserted strip near the beach. Both men got out of the car and headed down toward the waves.
Quinn took what comfort he could from looking at the waters that had sustained his family for generations. These were the waters that he had lived on most of his life, even if they were a thousand miles from home. He turned to Ben. "So, you knew this was going to happen?"
"I didn't know what to expect, Quinn. But this was my fault, because I knew we were ripping out her heart a year and a half ago."
Quinn couldn't see Ben's face because of the wind blowing his hair, and it was frustrating him, so he yanked his arm to turn him.
"What the fuck?" Ben shouted.
"I can't see your face." Quinn relaxed infinitesimally as Ben used a leather string to tie his jet black hair back, while staring darkly at him.
"Quinn, you need to hold your shit together. If you don't, there is no way we are going fix this."
"But that's the thing, Ben. I don't understand why we have to fix this. We-I explained to her why we had to wait. She knew. Ben, she knew we loved her. There is no way she didn't know that, and she loved us. Didn't she?" Quinn hated that he was unsure, that everything was now so confused.
"Never doubt that, brother. She loved us."
"What about now?"
"Quinn, I'm really not sure. I think we might have killed that love. She truly felt like we threw her away."
"But we didn't! We did the best thing for her. The worry she would have gone through, day in and day out, while we were out on the boat would have aged her before her time. Look what it did to Mama."
"But Kara isn't Mama. She's a strong woman who knew exactly what she wanted and what she was asking for. She literally begged us to let her stay. Do you remember that? I do." Quinn heard the anguish in his brother's voice and longed to soothe him. That was his job. His job was to make it better for all his younger siblings. His job was to make it better for Kara, to protect her, even from herself.
"I remember that day, but she understood. She said she understood, Ben. Don't you remember? Sure, we'd been arguing for two days, but finally the night before she left, we were out grilling steaks, and we talked. I told her our plan. Okay, it was my plan, you really didn't have much to say that night. I told her one last time how I didn't want her to have to go through the waiting and worrying like Mama and the other women in Sitka. You remember that, don't you?" Quinn waited for his brother to agree, and when he nodded he continued.
"So, I told her it would be less than two years. Not only would we be able to start the charter business, but we'd be able to do it down here, so she could be close to her family and her business, and she said she understood what I was saying."
"You're right, she said that," Ben agreed. "Her exact words were, I understand what you've said, but you haven't heard what I've said."
"You can't possibly remember that exactly," Quinn argued.
"Yes, I can. Because I watched and listened as my entire life went right down the toilet. You then asked her if she understood, and she said she understood the situation perfectly."
Quinn smiled broadly. "You're right, I remember now! She did say that. She said she understood the situation perfectly. So if she understood, why is she so upset now?"
"Quinn, you're not even listening now," Ben said in the saddest tone he had ever heard. "Please, repeat the words again."
"I asked her if she understood," Quinn said very slowly, listening to what he was saying, perhaps for the very first time. He watched his brother give him an encouraging nod. "And she said she understood the situation perfectly. She said ‘the situation,' didn't she, Ben? She didn't mean she agreed, did she?"
"No, she never said that she agreed."
"But I thought she did when she said she understood," Quinn quelled the urge to stomp his foot like a child. Oh, God, that's how he had been behaving, pushing Kara into just agreeing with him, and never once listening to her. How many times had she said that they had been talking, but not communicating? How many times had he just waited for his turn to talk? He had been so intent on just getting that phrase to come out of her mouth. Just getting her to say, I understand, and then he knew everything would be all right.
"You tried to get me to listen, too," Quinn realized. Ben nodded sadly. "Why didn't you hit me? Why didn't you take me out back and just beat the shit out of me?" He looked at his younger brother and saw another ugly truth. He had been a bully, and he said so.
"Quinn, you are not now, nor have you ever been a bully," Ben denied vehemently. "You have only ever done things that you thought were right. You've been the big brother to us all. You just think you're right, and unfortunately, I developed a bad habit of following your lead." Quinn could hear the self-disgust in his little brother's voice. "What I can tell you is that this won't happen again. If we want this to work, we have to be equal partners. I was as much to blame as you were."
"No, you weren't."
"Jesus, listen to yourself. Once again, you're not listening!"
"But you weren't to blame, it was me. I'm the one who pushed her away."
"Quinn, I'm a grown man. I was a grown man eighteen months ago. Just like you weren't giving Kara credit, now you're not giving me credit. I was a dumbass, I knew better and didn't speak up. I was equally to blame." Fuck, he was doing it again, Quinn thought with disgust. Learning how not to take responsibility for everything in his world was going to be the hardest thing he had ever done.
"You're right, you did fuck up. So you better not just let me take the lead like that again." Quinn watched as his brother grinned.
Quinn reached out and pulled Ben in for a hug. Remembering all those times growing up when he had hugged his younger brother, when he had been there for him. Never had anything more important been on Quinn's shoulders, and he had screwed it up.
"Never again, you understand that now? Right?" Ben said fiercely. Rather than feeling threatened, Quinn felt a sense of relief. He had a true partner. For the first time since Kara told them to leave, Quinn gave a heartfelt smile.
"Ben, I need you. There are a lot of things I'm good at, but relationships aren't one of them." Quinn watched as his brother threw back his head and laughed.
"Jesus, you are good at understatement, I'll give you that," Ben chuckled. "You're problem is you dictate, you don't listen. You think you listen. You think you've gotten people to see things your way, but you've really just steamrolled them into it. Well, that's never going to happen again, because there will be two of us now who will push back." Quinn felt the first faint stirrings of hope.
"Do you think so? I know you said she loved us, but you didn't say she still did."
"To tell you the truth, I'm not so sure she does," Ben admitted. "But if she did once, and if she hasn't managed to fall in love since, I'm saying we can make her fall in love again."
"Fuck, I hadn't even considered that option." Quinn took a bit of time to consider this. "I'm all in. Let's move forward, let's make the offer to Kuba Charters. Let's get an apartment. I don't want to look for anywhere permanent to live until we figure out what Kara wants, but I want to start as I mean to go on. We'll need a base of operations, and Kara will need to see that we're serious." Quinn was relieved to see his brother's nod of agreement. He had just realized he had been dictating again, but apparently his brother agreed with him. "I guess I should have asked."
"Nah, I'm used to you barking orders. If there's anything I disagree with, you'll know," Ben said as they turned back toward the car.
* * * *
"What the fuck are you doing here, Shotbrook?" Eric demanded as he strode down the dock toward the boat that Ben was prepping. Ben carefully laid down the orbital sander he was using and took off his safety glasses. By the time he was done, Eric was nose to nose with him. "Answer me, Kara told you to leave."
"Kara told us she didn't want us. We haven't bothered her since then. We've respected her wishes, Eric," Ben said as calmly as he could, knowing one day this man could very well be his brother-in- law.
"Bullshit, Ben, if you had any kind of feelings left for her, you would have gone back to Alaska!" Eric's roar was reminiscent of his Viking heritage.