Seth is doing the same thing Logan just did with the tights. “Dude,” I say.
“Little sisters,” he grunts. “They wear tights.”
“I’ve taken plenty of women out of tights, but I’ve never put one back in a pair,” Pete says. He hikes the waist of his tights up toward his nipples. “Are they supposed to squeeze your balls?”
“If you didn’t have them pulled up to your earlobes, I think you’d like them more,” Logan teases.
I open the door and stick my head out. “Cupcake!” I call. Peck comes down the hallway. “Were you planning to have another kid? Like, ever?”
She laughs. “Maybe. Why?”
“Because I think these tights are going to cut off my sperm-ability.”
She laughs again and I stick my head out the door to kiss her. Pete walks up behind me. “Is this how they go?” he asks.
He pulls the door open wide and Peck shrieks and spins to face the wall. He’s wearing boxers under the tights, but his nuts are squished into a big ball.
“Well, there’s an image I’ll never be able to get out of my head.” Peck stands there with her face covered.
I shove Pete’s shoulder. “What the fuck, Pete?” I say. “My wife is going to have your squashed nuts in her head now.”
“Better my squashed nuts than your real nuts,” Pete says. “I do have awesome nuts.”
“That’s not what Reagan says,” Peck taunts. This is one of the many reasons why I love her so much. She can keep up with my family.
“Oh,” I sing out, “Reagan dissed your nuts!”
“Reagan!” Pete yells.
Reagan pops her head around the corner and rolls her eyes at Pete. “What?”
“Have you been dissing my nuts?” Pete asks.
“Is that what you call what I did with them last night?” She grins at him.
Pete’s face turns red. “No, that’s called—”
“Hey!” Daniel shouts. “I don’t need to hear about your nuts or what your wife does with them.”
I mumble in Pete’s ear, “Dude, I totally want to hear about it. Later, though, when the prude has gone home.” I nod toward Daniel.
I look over and Daniel is completely dressed. He’s wearing green elf shorts, tights with one leg thin and wiry because of his prosthesis, a billowy white shirt, and he has a green felt hat with small red jingle bells on his head.
“I can’t believe you douchebags talked me into this,” he grumbles as he walks past us all and goes out into the living room. The girls all whistle and he takes a dramatic bow.
The rest of us finish getting dressed and go out to sit in the living room to wait for Josh and Paul. I just hope Josh is in a good mood when he gets here. And that he was willing to take Paul up on the offer.
He might have too much pride. We’ll have to wait and see.
“Oh, my God, you guys look amazing!” Friday squeals as she struts by. She’s wearing her vintage style, but she’s dressed in red and green for Christmas, because there will be cameras there tonight. That’s just a byproduct of our reality show. We’d do this event with or without them, but the people who watch our show get a kick out of good deeds, and so do we.
The door opens and Paul and Josh come back inside. Josh rolls to a stop. “I am not wearing one of those,” he says.
“Oh, yes you are,” Friday says. She glares at him.
“Seriously?” Josh’s eyes go wide.
“Totally,” Friday says, putting her hands on her hips. “Yours are in the bedroom.”
“We had better go and get changed,” Paul says. Josh turns to follow him into the bedroom.
“Wait,” Friday says. “Did I make a mistake? Will it be too difficult for you?” Her face flushes, because she just realized that tights might be hard for him.
“If I say yes, do I get out of wearing them?” Josh grins, looking back at her.
Friday throws a pillow at his head and he laughs. He goes into the bedroom with Paul and they both come out a few minutes later. It wasn’t too hard for him. He’s dressed just like Paul, and they both look as ridiculous as the rest of us.
A knock sounds on the door and we open it to find Peck’s four sisters. They’re babysitting while we go to this event. Well, everyone except Gracie, because she doesn’t like anyone but Matt. Matt’s going to wear her in a pouch on his front.
The Zeroes stop in the doorway and look from one man to another. “Oh, my God,” one of them says. “It’s like a Twilight Zone episode, where all the elves came to life but they were disproportional and awkward.”
Pete looks at me. “Did she just call us awkward?”