Tess brushed a loose curl out of her eyes and shimmied her hips onto Janie’s desk. “Checking in with Nancy about the numbers from the last school fundraiser. Figured you might be around, so I thought I’d check. How’s it going?”
Janie shrugged. “You know. Busy here, busy at home. Just busy. You?”
“My own kind of busy. This time of year is probably the craziest for me with all the holiday fundraisers. I’ll be in Anchorage all weekend for three different events. Nathan’s being a good sport and going with me. You know how much he loves wearing a jacket and tie, so…” Tess chuckled.
Janie managed a grin in reply, but it was weak and she knew it. Tess’s eyes narrowed. “Are you okay?”
Janie tried to smile again and play it off, but she just didn’t have it. She set the papers in her hand down and leaned back in her chair. “I’m tired. I’m sick of people asking me about my mom’s ex because all it does is make me remember how shitty things were. So there’s that. Oh, and Travis told me he loved me and I forgot how to talk, so we haven’t talked in a week.”
Tess looked over at her from her perch on the desk, her eyes warm and understanding. “Oh hon. Where should I start?”
Janie’s throat was tight and tears were hot against her eyelids. She swallowed against the tightness and took a deep breath. “Uh, wherever you think.”
Tess was quiet, her eyes considering. “Well, let’s get Randy out of the way first. It’s never fun to have to face the past when you can’t do a damn thing about it, especially when the hell he put you and your mom through wasn’t your fault. All I can say is try to move on. He assaulted a cop, so it’s news, but the only way you can stay sane is to try to let it go. My guess is it’s bothering you more than it might because of Travis. You made some choices about how you lived your life because of Randy. Travis is calling those choices into question.”
Janie stared at Tess, her stomach doing a funny flip. She didn’t like to think she was allowing Randy to affect her that much. Tess’s eyes were warm and steady as she looked back at Janie. Janie finally took a deep breath, letting it out in a sigh. “Maybe so, but what do I do about it?”
Tess shrugged. “I’m no expert, but with that kind of thing, just acknowledging it goes a long way. You can’t change the past, but you can take a hard look at how it’s affecting your present and try to make sure you don’t let it run your life.”
Janie absorbed Tess’s words and felt some of the tension bundled up in knots ease slightly. After she nodded slowly, Tess moved on. She was nothing if not efficient in everything she did. “Now, onto Travis. What do you mean you forgot how to talk?”
Janie shrugged, feeling a blush heat her cheeks. She felt like an idiot. She was thirty-three years old and should have some kind of clue how to have a relationship conversation, but she was stumbling along blindly. “Just that. He wanted to talk and said he thought he loved me, and I just couldn’t figure out what to say. I did say I wanted some time to slow down, but I think I hurt his feelings. I didn’t mean to! He startled me. Stella was home and I just froze. Next thing I knew, he said unless he heard from me, he’d leave me alone. Or something like that.”
“How long ago was this?”
“A week.”
Tess pursed her lips and cocked her head to the side. “A week and you haven’t tried to communicate at all? Text, call, anything?”
Janie threw her hands up and shook her head. “No! What do I say? I’m terrible at this because I have no practice. He freaked me out. I just wanted a little room to breathe and he shows up and says he loves me.”
Tess arched a brow. “I think you know exactly how you feel.”
“How can you know if I don’t know?” Janie asked mulishly.
“If you didn’t love him, you wouldn’t be worried. You’d be thinking it was all a little awkward, but you’d find a graceful way out. Instead you’re frozen. You know what they say about fear?”
“What?” Janie asked with a roll of her eyes. Inside, she was spinning at Tess’s blunt observation.
“When people are faced with something they fear, they have three possible ways to react: fight, flight, or freeze. You’re freezing. If you weren’t afraid, there’d be nothing to freeze up about.”
“Oh.” Janie’s one word response belied how she felt inside—a wild tumble of emotion. Tess’s observation was so apt, it frightened her.
“Oh is right,” Tess said wryly. “The next question is what do you plan to do about it?”
“That’s the problem! I don’t know what to do.”
“I think you want to talk to him and you’re afraid. I get it. I really do. But if you don’t want to blow your chance, you might want to stop waiting around.”
Janie’s heart started beating rapidly at the mere idea of losing this chance with Travis. She stared at Tess, seeing the warmth behind her blunt words in her eyes. She nodded slowly. “Right. Okay. I’ll figure this out.” She glanced at the clock above the door. “Unfortunately, I’m about to be late to go get Stella to practice.” She stood and grabbed her jacket and purse. Tess walked quickly down the hallway with her. When they started to part ways in the parking lot with a cold winter wind gusting, Tess called her name. Janie looked back, her hair blowing wildly in the wind. “What?”
“Don’t wait too long. You’ve got a phone. Use it!”
At that, Tess turned and climbed into her car. Janie stood where she was and watched Tess drive away. She spun around to face the bay. Her eyes were watering from the cold wind, but it felt good. It numbed her outside and in.
The following afternoon, Janie watched her students get up in unison at the sound of the bell and race out of her classroom. She sat down with a sigh. After Tess’s blunt talk with her yesterday, she’d meant to text Travis last night. Instead, Stella had a mini-meltdown over some girl in her class who she thought liked Parker. Janie had spent the late evening after recital practice listening to Stella rant and trying to help her see what was painfully obvious—that she liked Parker as much more than a friend. Stella had grudgingly admitted that she’d never cared before about girls who liked Parker, but now it mattered ‘a lot a lot’ to her.
This morning, the guy who plowed her driveway had called to report he’d be late because one of the hinges on the plow needed to be repaired. Janie had shoveled a barely wide enough path to get out of the driveway and make it to work on time after another snowstorm dumped a good foot of snow the night before. She’d been exhausted before class even began. Once again, her mind spun to Travis. The farther away she got from Tess’s talk, the more she started to freeze up again. She pulled her phone out of her pocket and considered texting Travis now. But she reasoned she was too tired to be sensible tonight, so she didn’t.
Chapter 20
Hours later, she turned on the late night news. Another evening of reviewing homework and prepping lesson plans during recital practice, and she was finally done with her day. She’d been beyond relieved to discover her circular driveway plowed when she got home. After a quick dinner of leftovers, Stella had dragged herself to bed with Pansy right on her heels. Stella had been as tired as Janie, although her mood her been better after Parker told her he didn’t like the girl flirting with him at school. Janie was barely paying attention to the news when she heard Diamond Creek mentioned. She grabbed the remote and turned it up.
“Crews are responding to a massive fire at the Midnight Sun Lodges, a hotel in Diamond Creek. The hotel is one of the largest in the area with over three hundred rooms. Reports from the scene indicate the fire escalated quickly, although we don’t yet know the cause. At this point, they’ve requested support from nearby towns with the Kenai and Homer crews already on the scene. We’re told that there were guests present in the hotel, and crews have already confirmed the building was evacuated safely. At the moment, two firefighters are unaccounted for, and we’re waiting for an update on their status. We’ll report back when we have more information.”
Janie could hardly breathe and remained frozen where she was for a moment. Suddenly, she leapt up from the couch, her gut churning and anxiety roiling her. She had to find out if Travis was okay. She didn’t doubt for a second he was there. She could only pray he was safe. She started to race upstairs, only to stop when Stella almost ran right into her as she barreled down the stairs. “Mom! We have to go to the harbor. Parker just texted me there’s a big fire at Midnight Sky. We have to make sure Travis is okay.”
Janie stared up at Stella where she stood a few stairs above her. She’d been meaning to call up to Stella that she would be back in a bit, but Stella’s suggestion hit her like a bucket of cold water. She couldn’t bring Stella with her. If Travis wasn’t okay, if something happened to him, she couldn’t let Stella find out that way. As if she could read Janie’s mind, Stella shook her head and walked past her on the stairs. “You’re not making me wait here. I can bet you’re worried how I might react if something happens to him. You forget what I’ve already gone through. My first mom died of an overdose, and I’m the one who found her. I can deal with all kinds of things. I’m going with you.”