“Lennon, love, that night is burned into my memory,” he answers, moving my hair to the side so he can glide his fingers over my skin there. “What would have only made it better would have been waking up to you still in bed with me.”
I wince inwardly, drawing a deep breath in. “It’s not that I didn’t want to stay,” I confess.
“Why didn’t you?”
“I just...” I blow out a large breath of air. It sounds so stupid when I say it out loud. “I was scared.” I squeeze my eyes shut.
Jami stiffens behind me. “Do I scare you?”
“Yes.” I feel his fingers stop moving, so I quickly correct myself. “Not like that. I’m not afraid of you,” I say reassuringly, reaching behind to return his hand to my back, drawing him closer to me. “But I am scared of you.”
He hooks his hand around my side and drags my body tight against his. “I’m not sure that I’m following you, Beatle.” He kisses my shoulder softly.
I know he’s trying not to say too much but still enough to encourage me to keep talking. He’s wanted me to open up for so long. I just hope that, once the flood gate is open, he knows how to swim.
I blow out a breath of air, sighing heavily. “I’ve never had to explain this to anyone before.” I’m frustrated at how weak I feel in this moment. “I’m doing a shit job so far, aren’t I?”
His body relaxes entirely and his hands continue their soothing caress of my back. “You’re not doing a shit job of anything, Lennon. Whatever it is, it will be okay. Let’s start with the first part. Why do I scare you?”
“Okay.” I let my gaze drift back into the flames. “I’m scared of how I feel when I’m around you. It’s never felt like this with anyone else before. It’s never felt like someone has their hands wrapped around my heart. It’s as if I’ve lost all control over it.” I close my eyes again, choking back the panic that surfaces from my vulnerability. “It feels like my heart is in your hands, screaming at you, ‘Break me!’ and I’m absolutely scared shitless that you will. That you’ll break me.” Eyes fluttering open slowly, a well of unshed tears behind them, I allow the last words to fall from my lips. “And my heart will never survive a betrayal like his again.”
Rough hands grip my sides, slowing turning my body around to face his. I keep my chin tucked down, my face hidden. My confession makes me feel weak and foolish. As if knowing I need reassurance, Jami wraps his one arm around me, holding my smaller frame protectively against his large body.
“I’ve got you,” he whispers softly into my hair. I feel the tear escape before it crashes onto his beautiful chest. “Look at me.”
I’m still staring at the place where my tear has fallen when I feel a finger underneath my chin. I tightly close my eyes, afraid I might be showing too much in them.
“Look at me, Lennon. Please,” he asks again. He’s so close to me that I can feel his lips on mine when he speaks.
I cautiously open my eyes to meet his chocolate ones.
“I want you to see my face when I tell you this. I want there to be no mistaking what I’m saying.” He catches another traitorous tear on my cheek, wiping it away with the pad of his thumb. “I could never hurt you. I promise I will spend the rest of my life making sure no one ever hurts you again.” He swallows hard. “Because when you love someone, you’ll do everything you can to protect them.”
My eyes widen at his choice of words, and he smiles.
“I know you’re not ready. I know you can’t say it back now. I hope one day you can, but I’ll wait as long as it takes you to be ready.” He rests his forehead on mine. “I love you, Beatle. I’m in love with you. I think I always have been. I could never break your heart because breaking your heart would break mine.”
The sob escapes me before I have time to stop it. I free my head from his hands, burying it into his chest as I start to heave. “He…left …” I choke on another gasp. “He was genetically programmed to love me”—my body starts to shake—“and he left me.” I’m violently convulsing as years of unresolved emotions break through the wall I’ve had up for so long. “He didn’t love me enough to stay.”
Jami slowly rubs my back, but I can feel the anger radiating off his body. “Breathe, beautiful. I need you to breathe for me, okay?”
I nod my head into his chest, sucking in a deep breath before another tremor rocks through me.
“Shhh. I’ve got you. I’m not going anywhere.” He sits up, leaning his back against the couch, cradling my body against his chest.