Chasing Forever(Chasing Series #4)(34)

"That's not a bloody answer. So you're here, tolerating this nonsense, because I asked you to? If the bloody Pope himself asks of you to run naked in the streets of Rome, would you? I thought not! So don't give me this ludicrous excuse. Don't you think for yourself?"

I looked at him, irritated from his patronizing tone. "Of course I do! Why do you think I'm here? I'm here because I fucking love you-even if it's killing me inside. I hate that you have wedding pictures stashed in closets. Or how your wedding ring sits next to my toothbrush. I hate that every time you look sad, I always imagine that you're thinking about them, hoping that it was them with you instead of me. But most of all, I fucking hate you! I hate you for ruining me for any other man because no one could come close, not even if they tried."   





 

"Why don't you ever say anything? I had no idea how you were feeling-"

We hadn't addressed anything, nothing of importance. "Why should I? It would only make me look weak. Well, it's irrelevant-because I already do. I've always been weak when it comes to you."

"You've driven me mad with jealousy, insecurity and distrust … " he started, looking at the other side of the room, as if needing distance. "You eviscerated me. Left me on my own to pick up the pieces and try to live with what was left in my life. When you left, you took my present and future with you. You had me begging on my knees just to have you again, but you-you turned your back on me, as if I was a nuisance in your life that needed ridding of. BUT STILL, even after all that mentioned, I still pursued you. When you dated Troy, I was devastated, but that didn't stop me from trying to get you back. Even when I was casually seeing Amelia, I still chased after you. No matter what I did, nothing could make you come back to me!

"I wasn't over you-not even when I found about the baby, not even when the talks of a wedding came up. But at that point, it was a wake-up call for me, and I was hoping it would do the same for you. When I saw you in Madrid, I thought you were there to beg me to stop all the nonsense and come back to you, to tell me that you've had enough living without me, but you chose to walk out on me, yet again.

"Each time I saw you around our friends, or at events that involved me seeing you again, I always ended up following your trail, begging like a pitiful excuse of a man because I simply couldn't get enough of you. Each encounter was worse than the other. It had been so long by then that, at times, I thought what I'd had with you was simply an illusion I had made up upon desperation …  then Rome happened.

"I meant to get you back, I truly did. That's why I filed for divorce, mainly because of you and for my own welfare and sanity. I moved back here, thinking that I could be around you, and at the same time, build something for our future. But I witnessed how miserable you were when I was around …  so that made me step back and think about what was best for you.

"Freeing you killed me, Luce. Then Amelia committed suicide, endangering the baby's life. And when she died, looking so tiny and helpless, those tiny eyes telling me that she knew she was wasn't going to live long-" He looked pained, eyes moist from recalling the past.

"It was one tragedy after the other. I was emotionally exhausted and felt like I had no purpose in life. When I found you that night in my living room, I was furious because you were there when I had freed you to do whatever you wanted. But you were persistent …  and I despised you for that. My plan was easy, and that was to drink myself into oblivion until I was dead. It was brilliant and the least painful way to die. The uncomplicated plan was well on its way until you came along. You made everything complicated."

I stared at him in horror. I'd had no idea …

"I wanted you to leave me alone, but you were such a persistent pest. When you offered your body for me to use, I was drunk, but I wasn't daft, either. So, of course I took advantage of that, thinking that I was going to die the next day anyway, so why not take a small memory that had you in it to keep me companion when I'm dead and gone? I just wanted to take you once, but you went all out on me that night, becoming this highly crazed, sexual woman-and I wanted more of you. When I fell asleep with my cock buried deep within you, I remember thinking that maybe living for you wouldn't be so terrible, and I was somehow okay with that.

"The next day, I woke up to you getting dressed, seeming distant. And you told me you were going out that night. I told myself that I didn't care about you, that I could care less if you shagged a dozen men, that sex the night before wasn't that phenomenal and that I should carry on with my plan.

"I somehow ended up waiting for you. I gave myself until three a.m. and if you didn't show up, I'd end it then. Luck was on my side because you chose to show up, looking so gorgeous with that flimsy, little, short fucking dress that showed off your long legs and your body, and the makeup that made your eyes so sexy. I hated you on sight, and yet, I wanted to fuck you until kingdom come.

"Thoughts of you shagging Troy played in my head and I just went bonkers, maddeningly jealous that you weren't mine. I wanted to hurt you, not physically but inside, where it hurts most-until you cried … " He swallowed, looking apologetic, eyes somehow reaching out to me.

"When I heard you cry …  it was when I felt the ugliest. I had forgotten you-the woman inside. I had forgotten that you had a tough exterior, but you were all sweetness inside. It was the reason I fell for you …  and yet, I forgot that very simple fact."   





 

He strode over, closing the gap between us, wiping my tears with his hands. "I'm so very sorry for causing so much pain and suffering. I know I'm not worthy of you, but you must understand, I can't live without you, Lucy. I don't have the power to erase any of the pain and memories, but I do have the power to pave a brighter future, for you and our children."

I cried the hardest when he mentioned children. I was such an idiot. I would give him a dozen babies just to make him happy.

"My heart hasn't changed. No one has ever been in it except you. I have loved you from the beginning and I will love you until the end. I just love you-through Heaven and Hell-to the moon and back," he vowed before producing something out of his pocket. It was a ring.

Oh, God. He couldn't be, could he?

Agog and beyond shocked, I stared at him before he got on his knee. Oh. My. Fuck!!! I was going to have a heart attack. I was hysterical with tears, laughing and shedding more tears.

"When did you get that?"

"My Aunt Tamsin was here when she was first diagnosed with cancer and I told her about my plans. I asked for her help since I had no idea how to shop for engagement rings. It's the ring that you would wear for the rest of your life, so I wanted it to be perfect. She went into her room, came out and presented me with this. It was what my late uncle gave her for their thirty-fifth wedding anniversary. She wanted us to have the same luck and happiness she'd found with him."

He touched my cheek. "This was the day after that night you cried for loving me so much in the video. My plan was to propose after your graduation. I even had it all planned out … "

He took my hand, hovering the ring upon the right finger. "Lucille Connelly, you're the very reason why I'm still here-the sole reason for everything I do with my life. I had memorized this proposal two years ago and I still know it by heart. Word for word, it's forever ingrained in me-in my soul."

"Love-" I was sobbing, but he stopped me, beaming with love for me.

"I fell for you when we were friends, when you thought I wasn't looking at you, but I saw you very clearly. I just needed time to be with you, and maybe a little courage because I knew loving you is forever. The night I approached you, I was all in then-there was no going back. My heart chose you, even from a distance; it slowly loved you until you were fully mine.

"I can't promise you that we'll have a blissful, fight-free kind of marriage, nor can I vow that I won't drive you mad, but what I can promise you is that I will always be here, ready to catch you when you falter. I will always take care of you, always put your needs before mine, your happiness, your smiles and laughter will be my purpose. I exist only for you," he said, adding, "You …  there's only ever you, Luce."

I simply lost it-crying and kneeling with him-before taking his lips and kissing him as hard as I could. "I love you, forever. If forever is never, then never shall be my forever." Stealing his quote, I vowed my life intertwining with his.

"So …  was that a yes?" he murmured before stealing my sanity.

Happiness, who would have thought I'd find it again with my lost love?

"You have four weeks to lock me in, Mr. Watson," I teased before I felt him rip the crotch of my leggings and then pushed my thong aside, thrusting everything of him in me, evoking a moan from me.

"Toby …  I love it when you go mad, crazed and randy."

"I think you're quite perfectly locked in now, Mrs. Watson," he whispered, smiling wickedly before he filled my ears and body with what he'd been dreaming to do ever since I had taken him in my mouth.





A month later …



For the umpteenth time, I checked my wavy, chignon-styled hair in the antique, gilded pier mirror. It looked pretty, but it didn't feel too secure. "Another pin, perhaps?" I asked out loud, wondering if one would be enough.