Chasing Forever(Chasing Series #4)(33)

"Just like the old times," Toby announced the second we opened the door, walking inside. "This place holds mostly good memories." That made me smile. At least we had something in common.

"Yeah. It sure does."

He spun around in the living room, pulling me towards him. "Two years worth of fighting and making love mostly done in this apartment. I remember the first time I came here and never came out until five days later …  Do you remember any of that, Luce?"   





 

Funny how I had been just thinking that earlier …

"How could I forget?" I gazed at him and butterflies immediately went amuck in my belly.

"We couldn't get enough of each other."

"Yes, the good, old days," I agreed with a ting of sadness.

There we stood, in the middle of the room staring at each other, before he broke the spell after a minute.

"Do you still have those videos?" he asked, cocking his head to the side, searching.

What was he talking about?

"What?"

He barely glanced at me as he went through my DVD collection. "Of you and me? Random videos that we took of each other and made into a movie?" he gave me the rundown before it clicked in my ever so slow functioning brain.

He was talking about that. Why was he looking for it? That video was an embarrassment …  for my part anyway.

"Somewhere in the room …  I think," I reluctantly said. "Why?"

"I was thinking that maybe we should watch it."

The signature weak-in-the-knee smile appeared, and for a second, I was entranced …  until I remembered how pathetic I had been in the video. "Maybe someday, but not tonight." Maybe never.

He brought his arm to his chest as if I had just shot him. Dramatic he surely was. "Let's walk down memory lane together. Maybe it would do us both good."

Not at my expense, we wouldn't.

"We have photos," I kindly suggested, hoping he'd take the bait.

"I want that video, Luce. Please?"

Drat, he looked desperate for it.

"Why do you want it so badly? We don't have to watch it now." I was beyond ridiculous in that thing.

"Because, after last night … " He trailed off, searching my eyes. "If you're thinking-maybe even considering-leaving me, I just want you to see what it was like for us to be happy again, in case you had forgotten."

That video …

"I never said I was leaving, Toby."

"But you never said you were staying, either."

He was waiting for me to say something back, to tell him that I wouldn't go anywhere-that I was staying with him through thick and thin-but I needed more …  I needed more from him.

"It's in the closet …  in the black luggage," I said just as he raised his brow, looking at me weird. "It's locked so you might want to find the key first. It's taped behind the toilet."

He licked his bottom lip, biting it as if he was trying to hold back a laugh. "Don't tell me you hid the key with another key?" He looked amused and smug.

"It's behind the mirror. What does it matter if I had to do just that?"

Kisses rained on my face. "Nothing. It's just letting me know how crazy you were about me."

"Were-past tense."

He paused, pulling back to see my face. "Lucy, how often do I need to tell you not to lie? You look gorgeous even when you do, and that just brings the caveman out of me." His lips nipped mine. "And it also fuels the need to sexually draw the truth out of you."

God, if he only knew …  "We shall see if you're worth it," I threw it out there. He could take it however he wanted to.

"You know I am and you'll know it, too, after the video." He kissed me once before leaving to scour the bedroom for the video.

I was in the kitchen, pouring a glass of wine, when I heard him come out of my room.

"Found it!" he declared with pride.

Brilliant, I thought as I shook my head, draining the rest of the wine.

I was about to bring the bottle with me to the living room when I heard the video come on. It was so loud it echoed around my apartment. I stood frozen, listening to our recorded voices.

When I finally managed to start moving again, striding into the living room, I found Toby deep in thought. He looked up, smiling, before he pulled me against him and wrapped his arms around me from behind.

In the video, we were in my bedroom, the camera situated on the side table and angled at the bed. Sheets were scattered everywhere and we were both obviously naked. I looked young, cheeks tinged with pink, red puckered lips from his kisses, and I had that look about me that screamed I was deeply in love with him. I literally had stars in my eyes.



"Where do you think we'll be three years from now?" I asked him.

He grinned, twirling my hair with his fingers as he left kisses on my chest, above my slopes. "Hopefully, we'll be married then." He paused, thinking. "Yeah, we'd be shagging whenever I fancied." He laughed, peeking at me before he bit a nipple, whispering, "You'll be wearing my ring and my name. On the outside, we'd appear like normal, happy folks, but when we're at home, you're basically the boss of me."   





 

"You're not being serious." I lightly shoved him, making him laugh once more.

"You want me to be serious?" he asked, rolling on top of me.

I nodded, looking up at him.

"Happiness came when I found you. We fight hard and often, but I do know that we love each other twice as hard. You're my forever, and I won't stop chasing after my forever. You're it for me, Lucy."

His words held so much meaning that I felt too exposed to be taped, so I moved, needing to breathe.

The camera shifted when I moved, showing only the bed while I could hear myself sobbing in the background and him trying to comfort me.

"Hey, don't cry … "

I was beyond hysterical, crying like I had just lost someone-the eerie sound of someone bawling wretchedly. "I just love you so much-it scares me all the time."

"I'm not going anywhere. Not until you marry me. Not until you're swollen with my child. Not even when you find me balding, fat and unattractive. I will love you until I die. There won't be any other woman for me. You're all I see. Forever, I will always belong to you," Toby vowed, making me cry harder.



That was it …  I couldn't take anymore of this.

Yanking his hands off me, I paced towards my bedroom, closing the door lightly before I sat on the bed …  the same bed that those words had been exchanged upon.

There was a knock before I heard it open. His boots echoed on the wooden flooring until he was right before me. He then sat on his heels, looking up to me with confusion.

"Why'd you leave?"

I shook my head, not wanting to say anything. Because if I did, I wasn't sure what would come out of it.

He wasn't going anywhere. "No. Talk to me."

"I just need a moment … " I whispered, pleading.

His hands held mine. "Don't shut me out like you did before-"

"What do you want from me?"

A frown creased his forehead. "I just want to know what's wrong. You're obviously upset."

That was putting it lightly. "Upset? I just watched what my life would've been with you. I saw it all; the house, the baby …  everything." I let it all out, vomiting all the ugliness I kept locked in my heart. "It was supposed to me at that altar with you, not her." I sobbed, tears dropping onto our joined hands. "All I have are pieces of memories that I have to put together when I need reassurance that we have a future. I'm so tired of wishing that it will be how it was." I gave him a look of pained sadness. "It's never going to be the same. I know that now."

"It will be. Just give us time," he pleaded.

Words …  it could be jumbled and misspelled, just like his promises in the video and from last night.

"We can't keep lying to ourselves, Toby. We tried-"

"Four days isn't considered trying, Lucy," he argued with frustration.

"What then? A year? Maybe three? Ten?" I pulled my hands from his, needing to hold myself. "What difference will it make?"

"We could still have it, Luce. It's not too late …  We can still marry and have a kid. All of that we can do-Fuck, let's do it tomorrow. If you want a baby, we can make one right now. Just tell me. I'll do it for you."

Marriage and a baby? Did he need me to step into her shoes and provide a child so he could remember them through me?

"I don't want to be any of those. You don't have to say these things to make me feel better. I don't want marriage. Not even a baby."

He looked like I had just struck him. "I understand how you feel about marriage, but the baby? You used to say you wanted them. Did you change your mind? Don't you want one with me?"

I shook my head. "Not yours."

He stood up then, backing away while asking, "Why ever not?"

"I don't want us to live in their shadows." Their being Amelia and their baby.

"You think you are?" he shouted at me.

My answer would end everything, but I couldn't hide anymore.

"Yes," I answered, looking away.

"Then why the fuck are you with me, Lucy?" he barked out, sounding insulted and infuriated.

"Because you asked me to."