After last night, I was still unsure of everything. I mean, did I feel guilty? Yes, I truly did. But did I regret it? My mind did, however my body certainly didn't. So that left me at a crossroads, not sure where to turn to.
Now, standing outside his door, every nerve ending rattled in my body. I knew the second I would open this subject with Toby, nothing could be taken back … yet I knew I had to go through this for both our sakes, even if it resulted with or without each other.
Holding my breath, I gently knocked a few times before taking the liberty of opening the door myself. Walking inside, I saw the room was somehow similar to mine, but Toby had all the drapes pushed aside and the bright, Roman sunshine lit his room entirely. He was nowhere in his receiving area, so I cautiously strolled towards the open double-doors to the bedroom and could see that he was in the bathroom, taking his things and dumping them in a black weekend bag. When he strode back inside the bedroom with a heavy scowl on his face, he immediately stilled as he saw me standing there mid-stride.
"I was hoping we could talk … " I paused, feeling like his eyes were choking the words out of me. They were too much-too powerful for me to think coherently.
I caught the bob of his throat, going up and down a few times before he looked away and then went towards his bed and laid the duffel bag next to the open, empty luggage. "I think you've said enough, Lucy."
Licking my lips, I ignored the quick, stabbing pain that dug through my heart. "About what happened earlier … and last night-"
"I'm not going to hold it against you, so you need not worry." He cleared his throat before he spun to face me. His eyes didn't hold the look of love. And for some reason, I wasn't comforted by that information. "And as for my outburst right before our friends, I apologize for the embarrassment, and for all the other instances where I had put you on the spot."
This should have been my cue to reel him back to me, but I didn't. Of course I didn't. "Last night shouldn't have happened … and as for that outburst you had outside, I understand where you're coming from, but this trip wasn't about you or me. This is about Blake and Sienna. We were supposed to be here for them, so let's do just that; place our differences aside and act civilized towards each other. They both deserve it." Throwing the guilt card was the only thing I could do for him not to leave. Blake and Sienna meant so much to us both that I knew he'd feel like a monster leaving because his heart issues were getting in the way.
He sighed deeply, running a hand over his hair. "You're right."
I knew I was.
And so we compromised.
Later that night, Sienna surprised us all by proposing to Blake, moving all of us to tears. The ceremony was held in the garden, amongst friends and family. Their love was genuine. I remember witnessing it all and wishing that someday I hoped to find that kind of love with someone.
It took every ounce in me not to glance at Toby from the ceremony to the reception. The cloak of love and desire was too heady for me to risk it. Last night had been risky enough, however if I let my heart rule tonight, I was going to be in big trouble.
So I remained calm-detached-until it was time to wish the couple away to their honeymoon. After bidding them a safe farewell, it was only then that I breathed out a sigh of relief, knowing that I would be flying out first thing in the morning, hoping not to see him any longer.
I was on the veranda, enjoying the night air as I recalled the wonderful night of my friends' beautiful union , when I heard him behind me, clearing his throat to get my attention.
Spinning around to face him, I saw he stood a few steps away, looking certain-confident-and yet, unsure. We were both still dressed in our formal attire. I had to enforce the voice of reason, telling myself that this man wasn't mine as I pried my eyes away from him and looked elsewhere.
"I'm leaving in a few minutes."
His words caught me off guard. He was leaving tonight? Why? It was almost midnight. "Oh," was all I could manage in my shock. Of all the things I had expected from him, I hadn't been expecting this.
He cleared his throat for the second time before speaking to me. "I want to thank you for earlier, intervening about my leaving, or I would've missed out in my best friend's special night."
For the first time, I smiled at him. Yes, he sure wouldn't have forgiven himself if he had missed Blake Knightly's wedding. "You're welcome."
My smile made him crack a tiny grin as well, sending flutters all over my stomach. Toby Watson not only was dashingly gorgeous, but he sure did know how to make use of those dimples that had-and still did-weakened me in the knees.
"It's been lovely to see you, Lucy."
I nodded. "You, too."
His eyes lingered, burning me up as they brushed my face. He opened his mouth as if to say something, but then immediately shut it, nodding before he spun around to leave.
My heart dropped as I watched him walk away, retreating inside the villa to leave through the main doors while I remained in my spot, telling myself that pushing him away was the right thing to do.
Gripping the balcony rail, I stared at the fountain ahead as I pulled the pins out of my bun, needing to do something other than think about the numbness that was settling into my soul.
"Luce?"
My eyes widened, my heart torn in two that he had come back. "Yes?" I whispered, not facing him.
I didn't hear his footsteps, but I felt him close … so close that my skin prickled at his proximity. I felt his heat even though he wasn't touching me. He was right behind me, and that thought filled me with dread-with lust and excitement and even more heartbreak.
"I just have to ask for the last time, even after you've told me that you didn't love me at all-" he breathed out. "But if there's any chance that you might take me back after all of this-if there's a tiny hope that you might like me still … I would die to get the chance to be with you again."
Frozen on the spot, I stood there and listened to him speak, knowing quite well where this was all going to end.
"Give me a shred of hope, Lucy."
"My feelings haven't changed. My answer hasn't changed, either." There was some truth in that.
I heard him take a sharp breath, as if my words had truly gutted him. "I need to come to terms with all of this-that I should've known from the start that once you made your choice, it could never be undone. You left-" he whispered. "You left without looking back, without remorse … you were unfeeling, as if I had meant nothing to you. In the beginning, I thought it a joke, but as it went on, I reeled from bewilderedness and sought temporary remedies to ease my pain … "
After all of my practiced indifference, I completely dropped the façade the moment he threw me back into past. "To ease your pain. Fucking Amelia, you mean?" I threw in the barb, as if her name was acid on my tongue, spinning around to face him.
His temper flared. "After I saw you go out with that model bloke, what did you expect?" he pressed closer.
He was pushing my irritated, agitated and very frustrated buttons. "You were shagging your best friend's castoffs! You could've at least thought with your head up here!" I tapped the side of my head, almost screaming at him. "But you didn't care about that tiny, sordid detail because you simply wanted to shag your way into oblivion." Growling at him, the words freely flowed out of my mouth. "Oh, no-fucking the Spanish bitch wasn't quite enough, you just had to get her pregnant and marry her in haste because I was ignoring all your pleas."
"And that bothers you, doesn't it? WHY? Is it because you wanted to be my bride?" he flung challengingly. "Or is it because you wanted to be the woman to carry my child?"
Each word pierced me because the truth of the matter was, I longed to be where Amelia was. By his side. His wife. The mother of his child.
Of course he was right. I envied her.
I had cast him aside, so my bitter words and resentment should only be mine to suffer and endure. Not him. Not Amelia. But me; the idiot who had thought I was doing the right thing by giving in to his mother's manipulations.
Last night had been my goodbye. It should have been enough. I had made a string of mistakes because I was too heartbroken to think properly. Too broken to see through the fog of unshed tears-the heavy weight of my sorrow, and the love that had once been so great that I had completely lost myself.
Now everything had changed. The fog no longer blocked me from seeing things clearly, and as much as I liked to ponder my errors, I'd rather choose to think about what to do to improve the future.
Even though he had said he hadn't consummated his marriage with her, it wasn't right. From what I had gathered from Blake, both led separate lives but were staying together because of the baby that she was carrying. Even then … this didn't make it right.
I had to set him free-free of the shackles of me, the ghost of me-of us.
"No," I murmured. "You're wrong. I never wanted to be any of those. When I thought of my future, I hadn't included you in it."
If my selflessness could make his marriage work, then I should be happy to know that I at least had done right by him in the end; even though I had caused him so much agony in the beginning.