By accepting the bare truth, you adapted with it and lived the rest of your life trying to fill the void that sat heavily in your chest. You learned how to breathe again, one breath at a time.
You carried on with pride, believing that the greatest pain of all was to love and to be aware that the love was in vain.
Chapter 20
Toby
For the remainder of the morning, we gathered around in the sitting room. Blake worked away on his laptop. Sienna went through brochures and schedules, busy making calls for the PR firm she was interning with. Chad kept getting calls from Luke, seeming that there was a baby available for adoption and their coordinator was trying to get them an appointment.
They were a mad, chaotic bunch, but having them there meant the world to me. They somehow filled the silence and gloominess of the hospital. The sounds of the intercom, the ringing phones, people rushing past for a new patient that needed their help, the septic smell that permeated the air, the blandness of it all and the white walls-it all felt like too much. It bombarded me, slowly closing in on me before swallowing me whole. Having them there eased a little of the pain that was tearing my life apart.
Leaving them in their own world, I set to go into the adjacent NICU. I had been waiting for the results. It was ten past eleven and Dr. Letty hadn't showed up yet.
Watching the baby with helplessness and fascination, I didn't hear the doctor come in until she walked past me, saying, "Hello, Mr. Watson."
"Hi. How did the tests go?" A patient man, I was not. Besides, I wanted to understand where we stood when it came to her chances and her health so I would know how to proceed from there.
Dr. Letty's hands went into the deep pockets of her white coat before giving me the "stern doctor's face", the look they gave when they were about to tell you something important. "If you were waiting for me all morning, it's because I was doing research. I was hoping there was an intricate way to approach it without risking her life. Señor, I'm so sorry to tell you that your baby's vitals are dropping slowly. There's a lot of factors to consider why this is happening; the impact on the accident possibly caused trauma or the premature labor itself-we don't know."
No. How could she after she promised that she was going to try? "How can you tell me that you don't know? You're a bloody doctor, are you not?" I yelled in her face, confused and angry from the downturn of the baby's results.
She didn't seem to be fazed about my outburst. Ever so calmly she addressed me, "It's frustrating. I understand more than you realize, but babies born at twenty-one weeks, as I mentioned before, only have a tiny percentage in surviving. They live from two, three, maybe four days. The only thing we can give her is comfort. Make her hours as less stressful as she deteriorates."
This was a nightmare.
Gripping the ends of my hair, I started to pace. "Is there a way that you can try to keep her alive?"
Her reaction was dismal. "Operating on her could be fatal."
I let out a pained sound, not wanting to believe her. As much as I wanted the baby to survive, I couldn't for the life of me make the baby go through surgery that might simply kill her in mere minutes.
"What should I do?" I begged in a pained whisper, hoping she could enlighten me.
"Pray for a miracle."
The rest of the day, I kept to myself, mostly checking on the baby whenever I could.
My friends were concerned and mourned with me. It was just so unfortunate that they had work and personal commitments before dropping by here for a day to give me support. They were busy folks, and for them to go out of their way to spend some time with me to make sure I was functioning, meant a great deal.
It was early in the evening when one of the nurses asked me if I wanted to hold her, and much to my naïve horror, I declined her offer even though she assured me that I wouldn't hurt her. That was beside the point because she was hurting. Her vitals were steadily dropping and it wouldn't be long until I was going to say my farewell. As of that moment, I wasn't ready to part ways with her yet. Maybe when the time came, when I truly needed to make a decision-even just for a short while-I would be honored to hold her.
Sienna made sure to leave enough food for me on the nearby table and stocked the fridge with liquids before leaving. So here I was, browsing through news channels as I nibbled on a tuna sandwich when the door opened and in came Lucy.
"Hi. I just heard and I flew in straight away." Her cheeks reddened as she mumbled her excuse. "I had exams, you see-" She let go of the door as she hesitantly stepped forward, halting mid-stride. "I feel quite terrible. I hope you didn't think I'd abandon you in a time of need."
She truly looked gutted and the inkling to bring her into my arms and smell her scent, so I could somehow forget about my troubles, almost made me beg … almost.
"No." I shook my head, lying through my teeth. "Of course not. Thank you for coming, though you didn't have to." She hadn't, but I had hoped she would. Seeing her now made things bearable.
She released a relieved sigh, softly walking towards the side of the room before taking a seat to my left. "How are you holding up?" Her teeth caught her bottom lip, as if she was nervous. "About the baby-I don't know what to say. It's just terrible. Such a grave situation." It was. And if I had decided to open my thoughts about it, I wouldn't be able to contain myself.
Needing to change the subject, I had to go for the usual redirecting questions. "Thank you. Can I get you anything? Sienna made sure the food was fully stocked. She even made sure there was dessert."
Lucy cracked a smile-the smile that I loved to see. The kind where I felt my heart drop, skip a beat, and take my breath away. God, how I had missed her …
"Sienna and her sweet tooth. I haven't had the chance to see them. As I said, it's been quite hectic for me, school and the lot." Her eyes lingered over my face, eyeing me with concern. "You look shattered. Have you had sleep at all?"
"As much as I can manage." Which hadn't been a lot. The nurses checking the baby, ranging from every thirty minutes to an hour, always woke me up.
"I hope you don't mind me coming after … everything."
Why would she think that? She knew I loved her.
"No, don't ever think that." Having her here was a blessing. Being in her presence had already made a huge difference to me.
She looked thoughtful, her eyes never leaving mine before asking the hardest question of all. "How much time does she have?"
Limited. How vicious was it to bring life into the world and then take it all away in a matter of days, some even in hours, leaving the parents in pure turmoil and anguish? Life was a gift, and yet, I felt like the baby's life was being played at; as if this was all some kind of a twisted joke, which had been played at the baby's expense.
"She's declining steadily … " My chest tightened at the meaning of my words. "Maybe a day or two at best."
"Oh, God!" Her face contorted before she stood up, sat next to me, and threw her arms around my neck, hugging me with all sincerity. "I'm so sorry, Toby."
My arms hung onto her as I breathed her in, expelling the pain in my chest with something as light as her scent. It filled me with everything I needed. "Yes … me, too."
Chapter 21
Toby
It was five in the morning when someone lightly shook me awake, calling my name with soft urgency that immediately snapped me out of my sleep.
"Yes?" I mumbled, rubbing my face from exhaustion.
"Sir-Señor … it's time." The nurse rushed out as she looked at me with sad understanding.
Nodding, I took a moment. "All right," I murmured as she stalked off through the glass door towards the NICU.
I was about to get up when I realized that something heavy sat on my lap. Peering down, I realized that it was Lucy's head while her hand rested on my thigh, fast asleep. If it was any other instance, I wouldn't give this up for anything, but this wasn't just any other time. This was the only time I had with the baby, and the seconds were ticking by like a clock, gradually diminishing her life as it ticked away.
"Luce … " Gently stroking her head, I started to wake her up. "I have to go and be with her."
She started to move, barely opening her eyes, sleepy as can be. "What's wrong?" she muffled, yawning before lifting her head off my lap.
Christ, I was dying inside. Yet, with one look at Lucy, I felt like I could take on the world. "I have to go and see the baby. The nurse told me it's time."
Getting up, I started to walk towards the door when I felt her scramble to her feet, following my steps.
The second I entered, I knew things were different this time. The machine's steady beeping had a prolonging sound to it-like a warning.
Striding towards the nurse that awakened me, who was with the baby, she greeted me shortly before another nurse came in and helped take off the tubes and wirings that were attached everywhere on her body. One nurse started bundling her while the other took care of the machines. Not before long, the beeping noise disappeared and the room was still as we looked at the nurse bringing the baby towards me.
"You can sit here … and rock her to sleep."