"Ava," I started, eyeing her with concern, "I know you blame yourself for a lot of things, but worrying yourself sick that this Craig Chambers is Reiss will get you nowhere. Who knows? Maybe they were distant relatives. I mean, how many in the UK with Chambers as their last name might have one or two similarity with Reiss? It could be hundreds. Maybe thousands."
Ava blamed herself for the cause of the accident, but the only person that could be blamed were the people behind the wheel. She'd told me that she and Reiss had fought the day before the accident. It was just unfortunate that he was too young when he was taken away from the world, leaving a lot of people mourning for him.
"He's gone. Been gone for ten years now, love."
She looked stricken. Torn from wanting to believe me and from what she had witnessed when meeting this man named Craig Chambers. A large part of me understood Ava because I was aware of what it felt like wanting to rewind things and undo what you had lost along the way. However, there was nothing to go back to for her except memories of him. The guilt. The blame. How often had she tortured herself over the years? Even after she had married Ashton, she quietly mourned the loss of Reiss.
"You're right." She nodded, using her fingers to curl a strand of her locks behind her ear. "I'm being silly."
With a big embrace, I gave her the tightest hug before kissing the top of her head. Poor Ava … "I'm sorry, sweetheart." She shook her head, glancing away before I saw her eyes had become glassy.
A forced laugh bubbled out of her. "I mean, what the fuck am I thinking? He's been dead for years, and here I am, in the middle of a bar, convincing myself that he isn't." she snorted, appalled at herself for sprouting hope for the impossible. "He's dead … and nothing is going to ever change that, Toby. He's gone … forever."
"It happens. Try not to be too hard on yourself."
She took ahold of her flute, tilting her chin as she drained the rest of her drink. She then placed it back on the bar before directing me a straight look. "Is it true? Are you really divorcing Amelia?"
Welcome back, Ava. I had wondered where you'd been off to, I quietly mused as I replied to her question. "I certainly am."
She flagged the barman to make us the same drinks before addressing me again. "I never told you, but I never really warmed to her anyway."
Most people hadn't. She was an acquired taste, that one. It was hard to describe her.
"Everyone is speculating, you know?"
It wouldn't be family had they not been speculating. It was their favorite pastime. "Glad that nothing's changed then," I remarked bitingly as I took ahold of my second serving.
"They think you're leaving her because of your ex. Is there any truth in that?"
Shrugging, I paused, brooding her question a little bit more. "Even if that would've been my intention, it's useless. She's moved on. Rightfully so." I couldn't blame Lucy because, had I been a woman, I'd have to think long and hard over whether I wanted to take part being with a crazed family as well as with a wife that was soon to be an ex-wife. Not to mention the baby with unquestionable paternity. Top that with all the other issues that needed to be worked on; it was the ultimate recipe for disaster. Yeah, I wouldn't date me, either. So why should Lucy?
"Mom said she was quite lovely. I wished I had met her," she murmured, giving me a sympathetic smile.
"Tonight's your lucky night," I said as I finished my whiskey and slammed the glass back down, cocking my head towards the opposite side of the room where my heart remained. Beating. Flirting. And having a bloody mother-fucking ball of a good time.
Chapter 11
Lucy
"You came!" Chad exclaimed the second he spotted Toby, beaming sexily as he introduced the woman next to him. Toby seemed to be familiar with her from the way he looked at her and how she reacted with him. It didn't leave warm fuzzy feelings in the pit of my stomach when I witnessed Chad giving her a warm embrace.
I sat ramrod straight, tensed and observant at how they were together. Well, I was keener on his pretty companion, also wondering when and how she had come into the picture. She was cute. Okay, maybe more than cute. A little too pretty perhaps? Rubbish. Who was I fooling? I sure couldn't fool myself into thinking that I wasn't feeling any jealousy towards his date tonight because, as much as I hated to admit it, I was furious that he had brought someone, knowing I was going to be here. Or maybe Chad hadn't mentioned that I was joining him tonight? It didn't matter. Even if he had or hadn't known, he should've at least considered it.
When he had come by that night, telling me that he wanted us to be friends, I had thought that he couldn't have meant it. After all, he'd been trying to mend things with me for over a year now, so I had barely taken his words seriously. But, now that I saw how freely he had moved along, it made me feel nauseous.
Moving on towards a better and brighter future was the objective, however apparently my heart had a hard time following directions. I loved him, yet the breach between us couldn't be fixed. I wanted him, but my hurt was too profoundly pained to even consider anything remotely close to having him in my life. Even as a friend or as a lover with no strings attached.
And yes, I had considered that route … several times over. Why had I thought of it? Easy, because I was going out of my mind.
Was it wrong that I even contemplated being his mistress for a blazing second? Sure, but that was all it was, thoughts … and nothing sprouted out of it. It was selfish thinking, and I didn't deny that for a second. I wished I could easily say that I wanted him to be genuinely happy without me, but I couldn't. Even after Rome, when I had decided to free him to finally make Amelia his wife in all sense of the word, in the back of my mind, I had wretchedly wished that he'd pine for me. It was true what Chad said about me-that I was a selfish bitch, only protecting myself first and foremost.
On the outside, my intentions looked honorable … reasonable, but on the inside, I could conjure all the evilness without rhyme or reason. I was a walking contradiction, and I would be the first to admit that being so wasn't an easy feat.
I knew that my love-though this was the grandest I had ever felt with anyone-had stipulations. Even with this said love I had for him, I supposed it wasn't enough for me to throw caution to the wind and not care about anything else other than him.
My love had a limit. Sadly.
Toby Watson could be the greatest regret of my life. However, even after acknowledging that fact, I still wasn't going to do anything to change it.
Back in my present dilemma, I pretended to look about me, ears tuned to their conversation, but the loud natter made it impossible to eavesdrop. When my body started to prickle like there was some sort of force field vying and demanding my attention, I knew with everything in me that his eyes were on me. For the love of everything that was holy, though, I couldn't fathom matching his gaze. With my heart and body battling against my mind, I felt like I was being pulled in three directions.
My stubbornness put to a halt all my inner commotion as I gradually bit the side of my left cheek, focusing on the pain of my teeth sinking into the soft, sensitive skin. That was how I coped. How I fought my need for him until I became unyielding. From digging my nail into my skin to biting my tongue-anything to divert myself from the actual searing pain my heart was going through.
Fighting with your own heart could be the worst thing anyone could ever go through-apart from dying, I supposed. Sometimes, I caught myself becoming this rigid, bitter person. I would hide away from the world, shutting myself in my home, trying to regroup and find the woman that used to be me-before things had gotten out of hand. Most of the time, I found her. And the times I didn't, I prolonged my wallowing, slowly hating myself for being the way I was.
Seconds ticked by as I held my breath, hoping he'd direct his gaze somewhere else. It took him about a minute to do it. Closing my eyes for a moment, I let out a sigh of relief, praying that tonight was going to be fine, that I wasn't going to go home at the end of the night and cry myself to sleep. I hadn't done that in a few days …
"Lucy, get your ass in here!" Chad waved at me.
Caught in the middle, I begrudgingly stood up and made my way towards them. My mood only drifted further south when the woman up close became even more captivating. Were her eyes blue or purple? I scowled, fighting the need to hurl words at Toby.
"This is Ava, Toby's cousin." Chad gave me that look-raised brow and all-as if he already knew what I'd been thinking.
. His bloody cousin? Well, that was … unexpected. I knew Ava from his stories or when he would mention their conversations once in awhile. I had never met her. Now that I had, her angelic, almost too perfect face perplexed me. It left me with an impression that she might be the most gorgeous woman I had ever met-Sienna came close.
"This is Lucy, your cousin's former other half." Way to go with the blasted parade, Chad.
Masking my annoyance, I greeted Ava. "I used to hear great things about you."
She smiled, warm and welcoming. "As did I. Toby endlessly speaks of you."
My, I wondered what else she knew …
Brushing Toby a quick glance, he politely addressed me with a warm but distant kind of smile. "Good to see you again, Lucy."