It didn't feel intrusive. It wasn't the kind of look that seemed like he was undressing me; it was more than that. Though we weren't touching, through his eyes, I felt our palpable connection. Even from across the table, one sweep of his gaze completely electrified me. I felt the electricity enter my bones, shooting sparks of fire all over my body.
For a while, we vaguely discussed school and how tough it had been this semester. Although a couple times I asked him about his parents, he always shifted to a different subject. He'd answer my questions, but he wouldn't go into detail about them. So I was left even more interested in him.
He was blatant and yet he had his way of being shy, like when he caught me staring at him. He didn't blush, however he was well aware of what I was doing, so he kept clearing his throat. I wasn't sure if he was uncomfortable that I was ogling him. Maybe he didn't like how interested I was with him. Either way, I couldn't help myself. It was his fault that I found him mesmerizing, like how his lips would curl into a smile or how his eyes would crinkle when he thought something was funny. I took it all in like a lovesick puppy.
I remembered thinking that, if this was the one and only time I had-this chance with him-I'd rather savor every second of it. I wasn't going to hold back. So when our food arrived, I had to force myself to eat, hoping this minor distraction would help me focus on getting to know him better instead of gawking at him.
At first, we just quietly started eating. Though, when he opened the subject about movies, it got the ball rolling, so to speak. I found out that he was a fan of Godfather, and yet, he also appreciated movies like Schindler's List and My Big Fat Greek Wedding. We obviously had tons in common. Therefore, during the course of another hour, we chatted about anything and everything.
I was saddened when we had to leave the restaurant and drive back to my apartment in Covent Garden. We were both silent the entire way, left with our own thoughts, reflecting on how dinner had gone. The journey back left me uneasy. I was bombarded with my insecurities, thinking that since he hadn't said a thing that he regretted taking me out.
Dark with my own thoughts, I consoled myself, saying things in my head such as I probably wasn't popular enough, not gorgeous enough to fit the bill of being welcomed in his circle, or maybe it wasn't about me or my physical attributes, and he had taken me out because he'd simply felt sorry for me.
Naturally, I was a feisty kind of woman. However, for the first time, I thought it better to keep my mouth shut and not question him about anything in case he wanted to leave immediately and didn't want to waste another pathetic breath on me. I wasn't angry, per se … maybe frustrated that I simply didn't have the gall to ask him to date me. I was a woman of pride, and if he rejected me, my ego would forever be broken.
Looking outside through the window, I knew my flat was going to come up soon and he'd leave. I told myself that I was going to be gracious when I said my goodbyes. So when he parked right outside the building, I was surprised that he came out of the car and strode over to my side to open the door for me.
My heart felt like it was stuck in my throat. I was tense, nervous and sensitive to everything around me. My senses went erratic when our eyes connected for a mere second as I slid off the seat. Fumbling with my tote for my keys, I took hold of it and let my thumb chip on the hard, cold ridges as I contemplated what to do next.
Since he wasn't talking still, I thought it obvious that there was nothing to come out of this. It was naïve of me to think that he might look at me differently-see me as I saw him, stripped from any artifice right down to the real person within. Power, money and heart-stopping good looks were enticing to anyone with eyesight. What person wouldn't want those? I saw past that, though. Past his disarming smiles was a man with a pure heart and good intentions, and as hard as I yearned for him, my willpower alone couldn't get him to be attracted to me.
So with my brave face on, I smiled even though his silent rejection was hurting me inside. "It was very kind of you to take me out tonight. I guess I'll be seeing you in school." I made another super-thrilled-even-though-it-hurts kind of smile. "Thank you, Toby."
He frowned for a second before I made a goodbye nod and spun around, slowly walking towards the building entrance with shaky legs. Again, much to my surprise, I felt him follow me.
My dampened mood instantly took a different turn. My pathetic, internal wallowing vanished. They were instantly replaced with provoking thoughts of him and I having sex in a bed, and there was no stopping it. I didn't want to come off as an easy lay, but I was going out of my mind for this guy.
For a long time, I had secretly wanted him, and now that this might be the opportunity to further that need, I just might push my luck tonight. I mean, desperate women always used sex as a weapon. I wasn't a fan of Anne Boleyn, yet I sure wouldn't judge women who desired a man more than life itself. Because I was at the tipping point, and if sex was the only way to finally have him notice me, then why the hell not?
Carnal thoughts had never invaded my mind, but tonight I was proven that they could. As I pictured Toby on top of me, pleasuring himself with what my body was offering, it took every ounce in me not to moan my frustration.
I was a woman on a mission, so I better toughen up and offer him something most men couldn't refuse.
When I turned around to face him, he was close behind me. I looked him in the eye and asked him something I hadn't offered a man before. "Do you want to come up?"
His eyes searched mine, possibly wondering what the real meaning behind it. "Lucy … " he whispered with a strained voice, "I don't know if that's a great idea."
Was that a rejection? I wasn't sure … but I felt worse than I had before. Somehow, I felt like a joke, wishing and hoping for something unfathomable. "Oh." I masked the hurt in my tone, hoping he wouldn't detect it. "Okay, well, never mind then."
"No-I do mind. Never think that I don't want to follow you upstairs." He reached out to me, slightly gripping my forearm. His fingers on my skin sent tingling shivers all over my body. For the first time, I knew what people meant when they spoke about heart-stopping physical chemistry with another person.
"I don't know. I guess … all I'm saying is that I want to take this slow," he continued, his eyes dropping to my body with heated intention, as if he was undressing me and imagining what I'd look like naked. "I respect you-you're a … " he trailed off, moving in close to my body, "stunning, intellectual woman. Brilliant. Perfect-" He hesitated, staring wildly into my eyes, sucking me deeper into those bottomless depths. "I look at you … and I see my future. It terrifies me."
Oh, my fuck, had he just uttered the words future and me in one sentence? Overwhelming emotions bombarded me.
Seeking his eyes, I opened a piece of me. "I'm not." I breathed out. "I'm not the least terrified because I haven't felt anything like this with anyone. My grandmother once said that, if I ever find this-this odd, indescribable, mystifying-like connection with anyone-I shouldn't hold back." I licked the bottom of my suddenly dry lips. "And I don't want you to, either."
I burned from his lustful gaze.
"If I go in, I'm not going to be able to restrain myself, Lucy."
"I don't expect you to."
He stepped closer, and our lips almost brushed against each other while his eyes trained exclusively on me, smoldering my body into a scorching fever. "I'm going to undress you … slowly … then you'll step out of your clothes and you'll show me your beauty. You will then give me all authority. In the bedroom. In and out of your body. I will want you at all hours of the day. And when I say all, I'm demanding your absolute surrender."
Cue in the hard swallowing of my saliva while I suffered an intense tingling on my pussy. I had clenched it as hard as I could when I felt a pool of wetness soak my underwear as I stared at him, speechless. He wasn't even touching me sensually, and yet, his words and those tantalizing eyes alone had undone me.
"I'm all for unconditional rights," he said, caressing me with words. "Your body will know my touch even before I caress you." His heated gaze dropped to my lips before he reached my eyes, throwing me a dare. "Will you be capable for that kind of challenge, Lucy?"
There was no question that I wanted him more than words could express, but when someone challenged me in anything, my feistiness surfaced, willing to come out and play. "I am not a meek woman, and I don't submit." I paused for effect. "To anyone." He remained still, taking my words in before I continued. "But I would love to see you try. Will you be ready for my kind of challenge, Toby Watson?"
"Don't say I didn't warn you, Lucy." His eyes sparked with wickedness as he eyed me like a cat that had eaten the canary.
He had warned me, hadn't he? I had just been too confident then to let it sway me. My crazed obsession with him had blinded me from everything. He was the only thing I had seen. The only thing that had mattered, and I had wanted to keep him for as long as I could. However, the more I hung on to him-to our relationship-the more it had become complicated.
From one complication to the other, each one became harder to tackle. My shield started to chip away and poisonous words got through to me. In the end, I thought I had done the right thing by saving us both. I had been convinced then, and I was about to tell myself again, why it had been better for the both of us when my hungry, betraying eyes spotted him strolling towards us.