THE MONITOR LIT up with the sounds of Maura babbling happily in her crib. I rolled onto my side and turned on the video monitor so I could watch her. I sat up in shock when the grainy black and white screen came into focus, clearly showing my independent little eight-month-old standing in her crib. She wobbled back and forth, hanging on to the side rail for dear life. My heart raced with excitement, and out of habit, I turned around to share the news… with an empty side of the bed.
Those were the saddest moments. The moments I knew he would have been just as excited as I was for a new milestone in the kids’ lives. Even if he were out of town with the team, I would have called him on FaceTime and we would have been excited together. Now, I sat alone in my bedroom, staring at our baby girl, equal parts excited and heartbroken. A couple times when Matthew had said something funny at school or Maura cut a tooth, I’d called to tell Taylor. She’d done her best to fill the void of not having another parent to share it with, but it just wasn’t the same.
My eyes started to water, and I knew before I even got out of bed it was going to be one of those days. I’d been doing better. Three months since his death and the crying was getting less and less. As long as my heart was beating and there was breath in my body, I’d never stop missing him, but I was trying hard to focus on the good memories instead of the unknown future.
My bedroom door creaked as it pushed open just a crack and a tiny head peeked in.
“Hey, buddy.” I wiped my eyes and waved him over.
He walked slowly, staring at me with unsure eyes, and climbed in my bed. “Why are you sad, momma?”
“Oh.” I cleared my throat. “I’m just missing daddy today.”
His little head nodded up and down in agreement, though I wasn’t sure he knew what he was agreeing to. I tucked the blankets up under his chin and laid my head on the pillow next to him, taking a deep breath and smelling his hair. He still smelled like soap from last night’s bath. He scooted in close and I hugged him tight, looking outside at the rain streaming down the window.
“Momma?”
“Yes, baby?”
“I’m hungry.”
I rolled over onto my side to face him, resting my head on my hand. “Me too. What should we have?”
He sat up in bed and thrust his little fists in the air. “Gummy bears!”
Laughing, I grabbed him and pulled him back down by me, tickling his sides. “We can’t have gummy bears for breakfast.” I poked and kissed his neck as he giggled wildly.
“Stop!” he panted in between giggles.
I quit tickling him and he sighed and looked up at me, not saying a word, just staring into my eyes. I brushed the fine brown hair from his forehead and rubbed his soft skin with the back of my fingers.
What the hell?
“You know what? Gummy bears it is.”
His mouth fell open as he gasped, then he stood up quickly, cheering as he jumped up and down on my bed. “Woohoo!”
“Just this once, though, okay?” I added. “This isn’t gonna be a new trend. And… you have to have an apple too. Deal?”
“Deal!” He held his hand out for me to shake.
“Come on!” Instead of shaking his hand, I turned around for him to jump on my back. “Let’s go get your sister out of her crib.”
“What do you think of a nice quiet day at home today?” I asked Matthew as milk dripped from his chin and dropped back into his bowl of Froot Loops. Thankfully, once we got downstairs he decided that he wanted something a little more filling than just gummy bears.
He shrugged and nodded.
“Maybe this afternoon we’ll take a little trip to the library?”
“Yeah.” He nodded more excitedly. “I wanna play at the train table.”
“You got it!” I tried to sound upbeat.
Since Mike had died, little Matthew didn’t smile as much anymore. He always seemed sad and lost, and maybe it was my imagination, but I felt like he stared at the front door a lot.
As I was cutting a pancake into teeny tiny pieces for Maura, the text alert sounded on my phone.
Hey. You around today?
I stared down at my phone, trying hard to remember whose number it was. Finally, I responded.
I’m so sorry. Who is this?
While I finished cutting Maura’s pancakes, I kept one eye on my phone, waiting for it to buzz again. Finally, it did.
It’s Viper. I was hoping I could stop by.
Viper? That’s weird.
Oh, sure. I’m making a run to the library, but not till later. Come by whenever. :)
I’d barely put the phone down and it buzzed again.
Thanks. I’ll be by in about twenty minutes.