Catch-22(171)
“The hives?”
“The hides.”
“The hides?”
“The hides. In Buenos Aires. They have to be tanned.”
“Tanned?”
“In Newfoundland. And shipped to Helsinki N.M.I.F. before the spring thaw begins. Everything to Finland goes N.M.I.F. before the spring thaw begins.”
“No Money in Front?” guessed Colonel Cathcart.
“Good, Colonel. You have a gift, sir. And then there’s the cork.”
“The cork?”
“That must go to New York, the shoes for Toulouse, the ham for Siam, the nails from Wales, and the tangerines for New Orleans.”
“Milo.”
“We have coals in Newcastle, sir.”
Colonel Cathcart threw up his hands. “Milo, stop!” he cried, almost in tears. “It’s no use. You’re just like I am—indispensable!” He pushed his pencil aside and rose to his feet in frantic exasperation. “Milo, you can’t fly sixty-four more missions. You can’t even fly one more mission. The whole system would fall apart if anything happened to you.”
Milo nodded serenely with complacent gratification. “Sir, are you forbidding me to fly any more combat missions?”
“Milo, I forbid you to fly any more combat missions,” Colonel Cathcart declared in a tone of stern and inflexible authority.
“But that’s not fair, sir,” said Milo. “What about my record? The other men are getting all the fame and medals and publicity. Why should I be penalized just because I’m doing such a good job as mess officer?”
“No, Milo, it isn’t fair. But I don’t see anything we can do about it.”
“Maybe we can get someone else to fly my missions for me.”
“But maybe we can get someone else to fly your missions for you,” Colonel Cathcart suggested. “How about the striking coal miners in Pennsylvania and West Virginia?”
Milo shook his head. “It would take too long to train them. But why not the men in the squadron, sir? After all, I’m doing all this for them. They ought to be willing to do something for me in return.”
“But why not the men in the squadron, Milo?” Colonel Cathcart exclaimed. “After all, you’re doing all this for them. They ought to be willing to do something for you in return.”
“What’s fair is fair.”
“What’s fair is fair.”
“They could take turns, sir.”
“They might even take turns flying your missions for you, Milo.”
“Who gets the credit?”
“You get the credit, Milo. And if a man wins a medal flying one of your missions, you get the medal.”
“Who dies if he gets killed?”
“Why, he dies, of course. After all, Milo, what’s fair is fair. There’s just one thing.”
“You’ll have to raise the number of missions.”
“I might have to raise the number of missions again, and I’m not sure the men will fly them. They’re still pretty sore because I jumped them to seventy. If I can get just one of the regular officers to fly more, the rest will probably follow.”
“Nately will fly more missions, sir,” Milo said. “I was told in strictest confidence just a little while ago that he’ll do anything he has to in order to remain overseas with a girl he’s fallen in love with.”
“But Nately will fly more!” Colonel Cathcart declared, and he brought his hands together in a resounding clap of victory. “Yes, Nately will fly more. And this time I’m really going to jump the missions, right up to eighty, and really knock General Dreedle’s eye out. And this is a good way to get that lousy rat Yossarian back into combat where he might get killed.”
“Yossarian?” A tremor of deep concern passed over Milo’s simple, homespun features, and he scratched the corner of his reddish-brown mustache thoughtfully.
“Yeah, Yossarian. I hear he’s going around saying that he’s finished his missions and the war’s over for him. Well, maybe he has finished his missions. But he hasn’t finished your missions, has he? Ha! Ha! Has he got a surprise coming to him!”
“Sir, Yossarian is a friend of mine,” Milo objected. “I’d hate to be responsible for doing anything that would put him back in combat. I owe a lot to Yossarian. Isn’t there any way we could make an exception of him?”
“Oh, no, Milo.” Colonel Cathcart clucked sententiously, shocked by the suggestion. “We must never play favorites. We must always treat every man alike.”
“I’d give everything I own to Yossarian,” Milo persevered gamely in Yossarian’s behalf. “But since I don’t own everything, I can’t give everything to him, can I? So he’ll just have to take his chances with the rest of the men, won’t he?”