Careless(24)

“I could’ve saved her,” I cry. “Why didn’t you save her?”

“Come inside, Sweetheart,” Dad whispers. He pulls me inside and shuts the door.

We walk to his study where he takes a folder from his safe. He hands it to me with an unsteady hand.

When I open it and see that it’s Mom’s file, I drop to the floor and scatter the pages over the carpet so I can see them all.

I wipe the tears from my face with the back of my hand as I take in all the information.

When I get to the last piece of paper, I double over and cry into it.

“She had a DNR. It was her choice, Leigh. When her heart stopped, I couldn’t go against her wishes.”

I crumble the DNR to my chest and stumble to my feet.

I nod at Dad and whisper, “I understand.”

When I walk to the front door, Dad calls after me, “Where are you going?”

“Mom,” I whisper as I leave the house.

My feet automatically move, placing one step in front of another. The streets are quiet. Normally, I love this time of night. But not tonight.

When I get to the cemetery, I walk down the narrow path which leads to Mom’s grave. I stop in front of her headstone and hold the DNR out to her.

“Why?” I gasp. “Why would you sign something like this? You had no right. You were a mother. You were my mother.”

I kneel on her grave and wait inconsolably for an answer.

“You chose to leave me,” I whisper.

I lie down and curl my legs into my chest. I cry because Mom wouldn’t fight for me the same way Marcus fought for Jaxson.

I don’t know how long I lie on her grave.

I lose count of the number of times I ask why.

I can’t understand why Mom would choose to leave me.

I don’t hear the footsteps coming up the path. I don’t fight when arms slip under me, and I’m lifted to a chest.

I just hold on to the DNR – the proof that Mom didn’t fight for me.

“Is she okay?” I hear Sebastian whisper

“Yeah. Let’s get her home,” Jaxson says, and his voice rumbles against my ear.

“I’m all for leaving this place. Being in a cemetery at midnight messes with my mojo. I swear to you Jaxson, if I see a ghost, I’m leaving you right here. I’m too good-looking to become a zombie.”

“You can’t become a zombie,” I whisper.

“See, I told you it would work. She can’t resist setting me straight.”

“Unless you’re infected by the cat parasite, Toxoplasma Gondii,” I say as my mind returns to its haven filled with facts.

“Say what?” Sebastian shrieks. “Woman, don’t say things like that until I’m out of this place. OMG, I need to bathe.”

I block out Sebastian’s rambling and turn my face into Jaxson’s chest.

I start to process the facts, one after the other.

In medical school, most of the students had a DNR. A survey in our class showed that eighty percent wanted less aggressive end-of-life care.

It didn’t bother me back then what they all wanted.

Now that I’ve lost Mom because of a DNR, I wonder what they knew that I didn’t.





Chapter 15



JAXSON





I place Leigh gently on the bed and remove her shoes before I lie down next to her.

My heart breaks when I look into her eyes. I’m not sure what happened. Her dad called Sebastian and told him that Leigh left his place in a state. If he didn’t tell us where to find her, she would still be lying on her mother’s grave.

I reach for the piece of crumpled paper in her hands and pull it slowly from her fingers.

I open it and when I see that it’s a do not resuscitate order, it all makes sense.

“When I closed Marcus up, it hit me that I could’ve saved her. Knowing that…”

She curls into a small bundle against my chest. I wrap my arms around her and hold her tightly, waiting for her to let it all out.

“Why would she sign a DNR?”

I close my eyes wondering if she’ll ever heal from the loss of her mother.

“Dad showed me the file. He could’ve saved her. Her spine was also injured. She might have been paralyzed, but she would’ve been alive.”

“Doc,” I pull her back so she’ll look at me. “I didn’t know your mom, but do you think she would’ve coped with being paralyzed? She didn’t sign the DNR because she didn’t love you. She signed it because she wanted to have a say in how she died.”

“I wouldn’t have cared if she were paralyzed.”

“Put yourself in her shoes. We get married, and we have a little girl who looks just like you. She’s fucking brilliant and has an amazing future ahead of her. What would you want for her?”

I can see that she’s starting to think about what I just said, so I continue.

“Your mom had a full life, Doc. Even if her spine wasn’t damaged, it was still her choice to make. You choose to not sign a DNR for your own reasons. It was her choice to make. She had her reasons, and her reasons made sense to her.”

“I just wish I knew her reasons,” she whispers.

“Do they really matter? I know you have this need to understand everything in life, but Doc, that’s not always possible. What matters is the time you had with her. What matters is that she loved you. You’re so consumed with how she died, that you’re forgetting to remember how she lived.”

Her eyes widen and her lips part as the realization hits.

“You’re right,” she breathes.

She sits up and looks at me with the same look of amazement she had the day I comforted Sebastian.

“Jaxson, you’re right. I’ve been so selfish. I might not understand why she made the choice, but she understood. I’ve been trying so hard to figure out what happened that night, that I’ve forgotten what she looks like.”

She scrambles from the bed and yanks open the closet doors. She stands on her toes and takes a box from the top shelf.

I sit up as she places it on the bed. She takes the lid off and climbs onto the mattress, sitting on her knees.

With a trembling hand, she reaches inside the box and takes a photo out.

A smile wavers around her mouth as she stares at it. I watch her look at every photo and then she pulls an envelope from the bottom of the box.

Leigh, I wish you knew how much I love you. You’ll only understand just how much when you hold your own child in your arms. To the world you’re brilliant, but to me, you’ll always be my baby girl. I’m proud of everything you’ve accomplished, and I’m proud of the woman you will become. I know you will be successful in everything you do. I have so much faith in you, my baby. If something happens and I have to leave, please forgive me. Please try to understand that the world isn’t always black or white. There are gray areas you can’t see. There are things you can’t argue, and there are things you can’t justify with facts. If I had one wish for you, it would be that you would accept this. Just because I’m gone, doesn’t mean that I will stop loving you.

Always, Mom.

“Did you know gray isn’t a color? It’s a shade,” she says, as she folds the letter and places it back in the box.

“I didn’t.”

“If you mix a color with white, it’s called tinting, and if you mix a lighter color with black, it’s called shading.”

“Doc,” I say to get her attention.

She opens her mouth to say something else, so I cover it with my hand. I pull her onto my lap and wrap my arms around her.

“She loved you. It’s the only thing that matters.”

She nods her head and glances up at me.

“You’re so much smarter than me,” she whispers, as a smile spreads across her face.

“Oh yeah? Hold on while I grab my phone. I want to record that. Fifty years from now I can use it when you argue with me.”

She starts to laugh as she pulls me down on top of her.

“Fifty years from now?” she whispers against my mouth.

“Yeah, if you’re okay with that?”

She wiggles under me and pulls her phone out of her pocket. I watch her type something and then my phone beeps. I push myself up and dig my phone out of my pocket.

Doc: 1=0.999999999999999999999 ∞

“Okay, I’ll bite. Enlighten me, Doc.”

She looks at me with such emotion I’m too scared to blink. I don’t want to risk closing my eyes, and when I open them, the look will be gone.

“Strogatz once said; I love how simple it is. Everyone understands what it says, yet how provocative it is. Many people don't believe it could be true. It's also beautifully balanced.”

She leans against me and points at the screen.

“The left side represents the beginning of mathematics, which is us right now. The right side represents the mysteries of infinity, which is us in fifty years.”

I’m not sure what she’s trying to say, except that she sees us together in fifty years.

“It means I love you now, Jaxson, and I’ll love you infinitely for all the years to come.”

The phone slides out of my hand as I stare at her.

“Say that again,” I whisper.

“I love you, Jaxson. I love you so much that it can’t be measured. My love for you is infinite.”

“How did I get so lucky?” I ask as I pull her against me.

“You got me wet.”

I laugh as I press my mouth against hers.

“I like it when you’re wet,” I growl against her lips as I start to unbutton her shirt.