“Boss, Colin wants to meet.”
“Colin can go fuck himself,” I tell him, squinting against the sun that picks right now to glare off of the water.
“Boss, he wants our help.”
“Will you just go the fuck away? Don’t you get it? I don’t give a fuck about the club anymore. I don’t give a fuck about Colin! I just don’t give a fuck. I want to lie here on this damn pier and pass out. Then, when I wake up, I plan on drinking another bottle.” Rinse and repeat.
“That’s not what Beth would want from you. That’s not what she deserves from you.”
I hate him. I fucking hate him. His words dive through the alcohol haze and tear into the wounds inside that are still bleeding, the wounds that will never heal. Fueled by anger, I pull myself up with ease, which is surprising considering how drunk-off-my-ass I am. Remaining standing isn’t quite as easy, but I grab both of Torch’s shoulders to aid me. My hands bite into him cruelly as I force him to take my weight. He goes back a couple of steps, but manages to keep his balance.
“Beth isn’t here!” I shout. “Beth’s dead and I killed her! She deserved to never know me! I destroyed her! Don’t tell me what she would want. Don’t tell me what I should do! I know what she deserved… I know! Every fucking breath I take…”
“Boss, listen to me…”
“I killed her, Torch. I killed her. She was everything good in the world. She was my world and I was careless. I was so fucking careless.”
The tears fall then. You would think the rivers I’ve cried would have stopped them. I should be cried out, but I’m not. I never will be.
I pull away from Torch and let gravity have its way. Collapsing, my head slams back into the light post I had been leaning against. It throbs. I register the pain, but it doesn’t matter. I’m lost to the misery, to the tears that are being torn from my very soul. My body quakes as I lose myself inside the hurt.
“I killed her… I killed her…” I just keep repeating it. When I wake up, I’m screaming it every fucking time, as if saying it will somehow make it untrue.
Torch leans down to pull on my collar and look at me. His face is blurry from the tears, but even I can see the pain and disappointment in his eyes. I turn away, jerking myself free. He doesn’t understand. How could he? How could anyone?
“Skull, Colin wants our help to kill Redmond. If we can get rid of that fucker, then we can at least get revenge for Beth. Don’t you want to have that, at least?”
My churning stomach, which hasn’t had anything in it for days but alcohol, revolts. I cramp hard in my gut, so hard that I yell out with the pain. “I killed her,” I whisper before I heave up bitter liquid that can’t consist of anything other than alcohol and stomach acid.
“Jesus Christ, ese, you need to wake the fuck up here. Beth is gone, but you still have a purpose. You need to make those motherfuckers hurt. Honor your woman’s memory. She sure as hell would be sorry she gave herself to a sorry fuck who can do nothing but wallow in his own vomit,” Diesel says, kicking me.
I roll onto my back and stare at him. I wipe the tears out of my eyes, which doesn’t do much good because more just take their place.
“Load him up, boys,” I hear Torch say. “We’re dragging his ass home and sobering him up whether he wants it or not.” The blackness closes in. I try to fight it because therein lies the dreams and I’m not drunk enough yet to handle them, but I lose the battle.
Beth stands in front of me. She fucking stands in front of me, taking my breath away.
“Beth, sweetheart? You’re here? How… How is that possible? How are you here?” I want to approach her, but I cannot. I’m frozen in place, afraid to scare her off. She’s wearing a white dress, much like the one she was wearing when I first met her. Her blonde hair is brushed until it shines and those gray eyes are beaming at me.
“I’m here, Skull. I had to see you.”
“How is this possible?” I ask again. She doesn’t answer, but that’s okay. She walks over to me and wraps her arms around my body. I can’t believe how good she feels, how right she feels in my arms.
“Mi cielo. I love you. Oh, God, baby, I never thought I’d see you again.” I kiss the side of her face, wrapping my hands in her beautiful hair. For the first time in days, my heart feels as if it’s beating again.
“I loved you, Skull. I did. Why did you do this?”
“What? No, querida. I didn’t mean it. I tried to stop it. I did. I would never hurt you. How did you survive? Did the blast throw you into the water? I searched all day trying to find you. I could only find pieces of your clothes. What happened?”