“Can I join you, boss?” Sabre asks.
“Only if you don’t mind me pounding your ugly face,” I tell him, still walking and not turning around.
“Same goes, boss. Same goes.”
“Skull!” I hear Beth call my name. Maybe I’m a fucking bastard, but I still don’t turn around.
I watch Skull walk away and I want to run after him. What can I say? Do I tell him about my father? How will he feel when he knows I do have Donahue blood? I can’t barely understand or believe all of the things I’ve learned today. When Skull told me he wanted to marry me, I panicked. I wanted to scream, jump, and shout yes!
But how can I marry him if I know that I’m going to end up leaving? Am I going to leave? Can I stay and risk Skull’s life?
I’m supposed to meet with Redmond tomorrow. Jesus, it sounds so weird even calling him that. I want to scream at him and ask where he was when I was diagnosed with cancer. If he’s so concerned about saving me, where was he when I truly needed him back in my corner? How could he stand to let my mother just leave with me? I have so many questions. So, regardless of what my final decision is, I know that I’m going to see Redmond again and hear him out. I can’t stop myself.
I go through the motions on autopilot getting ready for bed. Brush my hair, teeth, clean off my makeup, slip on one of Skull’s t-shirts, and the pink boy-cut panties he likes so much.
By the time I’m done, he’s still not back. This is bad for me because it gives me way too much time to think. I need to talk to Skull. If I tell him about Pistol, what will the fallout be? Will I end up getting Skull killed? What if I tell him about my dad? What can I tell him that won’t make everything a hundred times worse? I close my eyes and try to still my brain. Immediately, a picture of Skull comes to mind.
I don’t want to leave him. I think the best thing to do is wait. My father won’t like me putting him off, but I need to think. Skull could be right. He could win this war. My father admitted he had taken some serious hits. Latch’s words keep coming back to me. I need to have faith in my man. That’s what he said and he’s right. I love Skull. I want to spend the rest of my life with him and I need to have faith that he can handle this.
Just as I come to that decision, I hear Skull’s voice from the meeting the other day admitting to his men he made a mistake. What would Latch say now, knowing that even Skull realizes he underestimated everything? Again I find myself full circle, torn between what I want and what is probably best for Skull and his family. When the door opens, I snap my eyes to it hoping it’s Skull, and perversely at the same time hoping it’s not. It would be easier to leave if he pushed me away.
“Hi,” I tell him nervously, hoping he’s going to talk to me. I think he grunts back. There are definitely no words. That’s when I notice his face. How long had I been worrying? It had to be a while because Skull’s got a bruise under his eye, his jaw is swollen, and his knuckles are all bloody and scraped. There are several gashes open and still bleeding. I forget my nervousness and jump up, running to him. “What did you do?” I cry, holding his hand gently to inspect the damage.
He jerks it away from me. “Beat the fuck out of Sabre,” he grumbles, walking around me to get to the restroom.
“Why would you do that?” I ask, following him.
“Because the fucker offered, and I needed someone to pound on. Since your stepbrother’s nowhere near, it worked. Anymore stupid questions, Beth? Or, do you think I could be left alone so I can drag my sorry ass into the shower before the soreness sets in?”
In the time we’ve been together, Skull has been in several different moods, but not once, even when he was in his most irate, has he ever treated me like this. I know I’ve hurt him and I may even deserve him being hateful, but how much worse would he be if he knew the full extent of what I’m thinking? Can I live with myself if I hurt him? I’ve got to think. God, I have to think… I have to breathe…
“Skull, don’t treat me like this, please.”
I hate that when I talk to him, I can hear the desperation in my voice, the weakness, the fear. I am not a weak person. You don’t live through cancer by being weak. I’m a survivor. But tonight, I feel weak. Tonight, I feel like my world is coming apart at the seams. I saw my father today for the first time in forever, the same father who didn’t even bother to contact me when I thought I was going to die, the same father who took my sister and left me with a mother who didn’t really care for me, the same father who didn’t comfort me or hold me when my sister died. I found out the man also ran the family that I’ve come to hate. I found out I’m not just married into that family but a part of them. I found out that my sister is alive. I turned down a marriage proposal from the man I love and hurt him. I’m contemplating leaving him forever.