Captive(60)

“But the guilt will,” Marcy said, a new wave of tears spilling over. “I’ll never stop asking myself why I didn’t see the signs. I could’ve stopped it, and I didn’t.”

“That’s a very normal way to feel,” I said. “Self-blame is something a lot of survivors struggle with. But the fact that you’re here tonight tells me you want to move forward. Life is never the same, but there is still life. Sharing our dark feelings here with others who’ve had their own dark feelings can be a powerful catharsis. Me, for instance. I’m not excited about this baby. I don’t rub my tummy and talk to it. I don’t dream up names for it. I just wait, with this secret, poisonous sense that I’m not capable of carrying a baby to term. That it’s only a matter of time.” I shook my head. “I’m glad it’s a small group tonight, because I’m not being a very good leader.”

“I disagree,” Marcy said, smiling at Carlos when he handed her a tissue to wipe her eyes. “For the first time in ten months, I don’t feel alone.”

She sobbed quietly and Rose got up and embraced her, holding her for more than a minute.

“You guys, it felt good to say that out loud,” I said, sighing deeply. “How about if I take us all out to dinner at the diner across the street? We can keep talking there.”

“You don’t need to buy,” Marcy said.

“Let her do it, she’s rich,” Carlos told her as we all headed for the door of the conference room.

I laughed at his frankness. “Carlos, Ryke wants you to come to a home game when you can.”

“Really? Man, that’d be awesome.”

“Oh!” I said loudly, making everyone turn back toward me when I was about to turn the lights off. “I also need to tell you guys that Ryke and I are going to have a daughter!”

“It’s a girl?” Rose exclaimed. “Oh, Kate!”

“Oh, no. I mean, it might be, but we’re not finding out. What I mean is, we’re adopting a little girl who’s five. It’ll be final in a couple weeks. And we’re looking for a house in the suburbs since we need more room.”

“The suburbs?” Rose furrowed her brows with concern. “But you’ll still lead the group sometimes, won’t you?”

“Of course I will. You guys are like family to me.”

“We’ve got some celebrating to do,” Carlos said, laying a hand on my shoulder. “Congrats.”

I turned off the switch on the wall, filled with light from the support of friends who didn’t judge me.





Chapter 14





I was giddy when I glanced down at my purple painted nails. It was the most imperfect manicure I’d ever gotten, but I wouldn’t be removing the polish anytime soon.

Melody was eating a frosted doughnut across the kitchen table from me, and her nails were the same sparkly shade. She’d spent the night before with us, and tonight we were taking her to her first hockey game. This ice breaker weekend was supposed to help us decide if she was right for us, but I already knew.

“You guys really like yellow,” Melody said, using both hands to tip her large glass of milk to her mouth.

“Does it make you feel calm and happy?” Ryke asked, looking up from the newspaper’s sports section.

“I guess so.”

“What color of room would you like best?” I asked.

“I don’t have my own room. I share with Julia, and it’s just white.”

“But if you did, what would you like?”

Melody took a bite of her doughnut and considered as she chewed. “Pink.”

I took a deep breath. Melody’s caseworker had told me she could talk to Melody about us adopting her if I preferred that. But I wanted to see how she felt about it for myself.

“So.” I brushed some crumbs into my hand and onto a plate, trying to think of the best words to use. “You know how Diane told you that you’ll have a forever family eventually?”

Melody nodded.

“Well, Ryke and I are wondering what you’d think about us being your forever family.”

She smiled and looked from me to him. “I could stay here every night?”

“Every night and every day. We want you to be our daughter.”

“You do?”

I looked at Ryke, urging him with my eyes to back me up.

“Yeah, we do,” he said. “If you say yes, we promise to always take care of you. We want you to feel safe and happy here.”

She reached for her third doughnut. Diane was strict about a healthy diet, and Melody always indulged when she was with me. I’d have to start encouraging her to eat healthy foods, too.