“I love you,” she said in my ear.
I hoped she didn’t think I said yes just to make her happy. As soon as I heard about the hell Melody had been through, I knew immediately she was meant for us. I had no experience being a dad, but I could learn. I’d do my best to show her how a real man treated his wife and kid.
***
I’d been so wrapped up in the house I was looking at with our realtor that I lost track of time, and now I was running late to the Tuesday night group I was leading. I parked in the hospital lot and ran to the conference room.
Everyone was talking and eating cookies when I walked in. I swiped one from the plate Rose held out and smiled at her.
“Sorry I’m late, guys,” I said, looking for an open seat.
“Oh!” A woman I’d never met was grinning from ear to ear as she looked at me. “When are you due?”
“Uh …” Heat rushed to my cheeks. Even though I was visibly pregnant now, the people in the group pretended my flowy cardigans concealed it and never brought it up. “December.”
“That’s a very personal question,” Rose said sharply to the new woman. Her smile dropped away.
“No, it’s really not,” I said, sitting down on an empty metal folding chair. “It’s okay.”
“Kate, it’s your business,” Carlos said. “We never talk about things here unless someone brings it up themselves.”
“I know, but …” I looked at the new woman, who was covering her face with a hand. “Hey, it’s okay. What’s your name?”
“Marcy. And I’m very sorry, I didn’t mean …”
“No, you’re fine,” I said. “Some of the people here met me when I joined this group because I lost a baby halfway through the pregnancy. And then … I’ve never talked about this, but I had a miscarriage a couple months before I got pregnant this time.”
“Kate!” Rose cried. Her expression was hurt. “Why didn’t you tell us?”
“I just … wasn’t ready.”
“That’s her choice, Rose,” Carlos said.
“I know, but … this is a safe place where we all understand,” Rose said.
“I don’t know what it’s like to be pregnant and lose your baby,” Carlos countered. “Do you?”
“Well, not exactly, no … but we’ve all lost someone.”
“We don’t judge here, remember?” Carlos turned to me. “Kate, I’m sorry for your loss and I’m glad you feel comfortable sharing it with us.”
“Me, too,” Rose said quickly. “Carlos is right. I’m sorry. And Marcy, I apologize to you, too.”
“I shouldn’t have opened my mouth like that,” Marcy said, waving a hand.
“No more apologies,” I said firmly. “We’re all here to support each other. I think part of what’s going on with me is … Ryke and I didn’t plan this pregnancy. I was still hurting from the miscarriage when I found out I was pregnant again. I’ve had so many feelings these past months and I’m ashamed to admit none of them have been positive.”
“Oh, Kate.” The corners of Rose’s lips were turned down in a sympathetic frown. “It has to be so hard.”
“There’s a nonstop flow of negative thoughts topped off with guilt over the negative thoughts,” I said, shaking my head.
“It’s like a lead weight was just lifted from my shoulders because you said that,” Marcy said, her voice breaking with emotion. “I came here tonight because my son killed himself ten months ago. My heart’s broken, and it always will be. But what …”
She twisted her hands in her lap and a few seconds of silence passed.
“Whatever it is, it’s okay to say it,” I said softly. When she looked at me, the purple circles under her eyes told me this woman was in deep pain.
“What keeps me up at night is how horrible I feel that I’m angry about it,” she said. “John was sick. He had a mental illness. Being mad at him is selfish.”
“Sweetie, I was mad at my husband when he died of a heart attack,” Rose said with a bitter laugh. “He probably had a good chuckle from beyond the grave over that.”
“But it seems so horrible.” Marcy wiped her cheeks off. “He was so sick he didn’t feel like he could even go on, and I’m mad at him?”
“You know, some people say grief is like an ocean,” I said. “I think that’s true. It’s deep and dark and bigger than you can even wrap your mind around. It takes you to places that are scary and unknown. But none of it is wrong. If feeling angry right now helps you get out of bed in the morning and go on, then feel it. It won’t last forever.”