Cabin Fever(46)

 

He sighs out long and loud and breaks his gaze from mine. “I know what you’re going to say.”

 

“Oh, yeah? What’s that?”

 

“You’re going to say that I won’t ever know if I don’t spend any time with her.”

 

“Actually, I wasn’t going to say that, but you’re probably right about that.”

 

He lifts his head to look at me. “What were you going to say?”

 

“I was going to say that it might be hard for her to display any of the qualities of either of her parents if she’s never around them or never with someone who could teach her about the one who’s not around anymore.”

 

“My brother and sister will talk about Laura with her.”

 

“With her? You mean with Cassie, right?”

 

He sighs again. “You’re very pushy, you know that?”

 

I grin. “I prefer to call it determined.”

 

“Fine. Yes, I meant Cassie.”

 

“I agree that James and Jana will do as good a job as they can at raising Cassie with memories of her mother, but that’s not going to be enough.” I stand, knowing that a little distance between us will be good for him right now. He’ll feel less pressured without my direct gaze on him and hopefully that will translate into him being more free to express himself.

 

I sense this discussion is good for his soul. I’ll bet he hasn’t talked to anyone about Laura since her death. At least not sober. He was too touchy about the subject before to let me believe otherwise.

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” His gaze and voice follow me as I make my way to the kitchen. “Are they doing something I won’t like with her?”

 

“I guess you’ll never know, since you aren’t involved. You know they have guardianship over her, right?” Jana told me how depressing it was taking Jeremy’s parental rights away the way they did, without him even there. She said they hired an investigator to locate him, but he came up empty. I’m going to have to ask Jeremy how he’s been flying under the radar for so long. Surely he uses credit cards to buy his booze.

 

He doesn’t answer, so I keep talking as I’m pulling mugs and chocolate powder out of the cabinet.

 

“No one knew Laura like you did. I mean, I heard about her from James and Jana while I was at James’s apartment, but none of them talked about her like you are now.”

 

“They better not have said anything bad about her.”

 

I frown over at him. “Of course they didn’t do that, don’t be ridiculous.” I go back to my hot chocolate making. The pan and a container of milk come out next. “They loved her, but they weren’t in love with her, you know what I mean? They could never talk about her to Cassie like you could. You’re the only one who laid in bed with Laura at night and dreamed about having a child together, laughed over her romance novels with her, discussed quotes from Wuthering Heights.”

 

I pour milk into the pan and start the heat going under it before I continue.

 

“Every kid should know about his birth, about the joy that went into conceiving him or her, if at all possible. I loved hearing my mom and dad talk about the years before me and how they’d given up hope of having a baby and then how I came along and was such a big surprise. It really made me feel grounded and wanted.”

 

Jeremy’s voice is rough when it finally responds. “Are you saying Cassie doesn’t feel grounded?”

 

I shrug as I stir the milk gently to keep it from burning on the bottom of the pan. “She’s not even a year old yet, but you know, they say that kids are very impressionable in their first year. They sense things without even knowing what’s happening from an adult’s perspective.”

 

“You think she feels like her real parents are missing?”

 

“I do.”

 

“But my sister and James … they’re great parents. They’re amazing people.”

 

“James is a great uncle and Leah and Jana are great aunts, but they aren’t Cassie’s parents. They don’t live together, they didn’t share in her creation, they’re all massively stressed over your problems, and they’re busy trying to live the lives they had before she was born. Lives which didn’t have a kid in them and by all rights, shouldn’t.”

 

“You make it sound as if they’re neglecting her.” Jeremy gets up off the couch and comes into the kitchen, stopping at the island and looking at me. He’s stressed; I can see it written all over his face.