She put her mitten back on and hugged herself. Her spirits lifted with a new, growing patch of peace in her heart which reinforced she was on the right path to figuring this out. No more crying now, Jenny. Go home. Have Christmas. Figure out what to do, and do it. She got up and started walking back out of the campus, down the path she had already walked, back toward her hotel.
***
“Children, please listen. Please quiet down. I shouldn’t have to say that more than once. Please.” Jenny clasped her hands together, a forced, cheerful smile animating her tired face. “That was a very good dress rehearsal. You should feel very proud of yourselves. I certainly am. Give yourselves a hand.”
The students clapped and high-fived each other, gathered around Jenny in the cafeteria which would serve as an auditorium tomorrow night.
“Freshmen, please remember, black pants and white tops. Sophomores, black pants and red or green tops. If anyone needs to borrow something, please see me before you go tonight and we’ll figure it out.
“Sarah, Mr. Ashby wants you to stay after to practice that solo one last time.
“Senior girls, please stop by my classroom tomorrow after third period. We need to figure out once and for all if it’ll be ‘The Christmas Canon’ or ‘The Peace Carol’ for your encore. We simply don’t have time for both. And you need to decide what you’re wearing by tomorrow. I see you rolling your eyes, Amanda. Let’s be respectful please, miss.
“Thank you, everyone, for your efforts and for staying late tonight. Please work on those ‘Silent Night’ verses for our big finale, okay? I’ll see you all tomorrow!”
She barely noticed the hum of conversations and giggles as the children shrugged into their coats, faces merry with Christmas cheer. Jenny turned back to the table where she had music and notes in an unruly pile. She sorted the papers into a neat stack, placing them in a folder labeled “Christmas Concert.” She turned and waved good-bye to the last teenagers walking out the door of the cafeteria, leaving the room peaceful and quiet after the two-hour-long dress rehearsal with so many active adolescents to corral.
Exhausted, she sat down in the folding chair at the table, rubbing her pounding temples with her fingers and closing her eyes. Trying to stay busy and distracted was sapping whatever strength she had, and she fell into bed at night like an old lady.
Out of nowhere, she saw Sam’s face in her mind that morning at church. Morning, Pretty Girl…She clenched her eyes tightly against the tears beginning to prickle. No more crying, Jenny. You promised.
She crossed her arms over her chest, hands holding opposite arms. She breathed deeply in and out, taking her time, finding her mother’s face in her mind and focusing on it. She kept her eyes tightly closed, as in prayer or meditation. Noen elsket meg en gang. Someone loved me once. But the image of her mother’s face faded like a watercolor to be replaced in sharp detail with Sam’s, and she saw his eyes—warm and brown, intense and tender—holding hers as he whispered Kristian’s vows, almost as though he was saying the words directly to her. The memory made fresh tears brighten her eyes and she pressed them tightly closed, trying to hold on.
I miss him. God, I miss him so much.
The pull to be with him—to go to him, if that’s what it would take—was getting stronger and surer with every passing day.
“Jenny?”
She lowered her hands and opened her eyes slowly, remembering where she was. It took her a second to focus on Paul’s face in the dim light of the empty cafeteria. He was squatting down next to her, and Lord only knew how long he’d been there. He looked up at her, regarding her seriously.
She mustered a slight smile. “Hey, Paul.”
“Are you okay, Jen?”
She nodded her head, offering him a sad smile. “I’m okay.”
He took a deep breath and sighed, tilting his head to the side, assessing her with worried eyes. “It’s been almost three weeks since I really saw you smile. I’m concerned about you.”
She tried for a heartier smile, shaking her head. “No. No. You don’t need to be. I’m fine, Paul. Really, I am. Just so busy lately with the concert and the pageant at church. I’m just a little tired.”
“I stopped in for the last few minutes of the rehearsal. It looked amazing.”
“Yeah. I think it’s really good.”
“Best Christmas concert we’ve ever had, Jen. Thanks to you.” He said this gently and reached over to cover her hand with his. She pulled hers away almost instantly, folding them together in her lap.
He narrowed his eyes for a moment then looked down, nodding. “Jenny, I know I made things awkward between us, but more than anything I care about you and I want to be here for you. You know, I used to be a guidance counselor before I took this job as principal. I’m a good listener. Whatever you need.”