By Proxy(73)

“She’s really beautiful, Mom. She has bright blue eyes and blonde hair, and she organizes the Christmas pageant and she makes a mean omelet. She draws concentric circles on the table with her finger when she’s thinking about something. She gets all mad when she thinks something, or someone, is wrong. But she knows how to say she’s sorry and when she does, she means it.

“She blushes all the time. I mean, everything embarrasses her, but she’s so tough too, Mom. Like, really honest and straightforward, and she has this amazing backbone. You know, youngest of four with three older brothers. She gives it back, you know? You think she’s all lily-white innocent and then she…well. She’s, um, surprising.

“And smart. Really smart. She knows everything about Yellowstone Park, practically grew up in the park. Her father’s a tour guide in Yellowstone, really highly rated, I guess. She cleans closets at her church when they need a hand and she drives the girliest light blue SUV I’ve ever seen. She has these beat-up cowgirl boots she wears all the time.

“She braids her hair with flowers for Midsummer just like her Mom did. Just like you and Aunt Lisabet and the girls. She likes Christmas movies and hot cocoa and going to the symphony. She loves little kids and wants her own someday. You should have seen her face hearing about the girls and Colin, seeing their pictures on my phone.

“She’s got the best heart of anyone I’ve ever met. She hated that we took the vows for Kris and Ing. It was tearing her apart because she thinks you should only say wedding vows once to one person in your life…but she did it anyway because she promised Ingrid and she believes in keeping a promise to someone she loves, and…and…”

His voice trailed off, as he was lost in the memory of their vows. He had shut down those memories at all costs since returning home, because they were the most visceral of the moments he spent with her. He couldn’t bear to remember because it was too damn painful. But now the floodgates were open and he closed his eyes against the intense longing that accompanied the memory, her eyes searching his so fiercely across the table for comfort, for support, for—

“What, Sam?”

“Love,” he breathed, in a trance, saying the words out loud for the first time. “I love her, Mom. I am totally in love with her.”

“Yes,” his mother whispered.

Uncertainty and panic made him speak faster. “How can I be in love with her when I only knew her for a weekend?”

“Oh, Sam. There’s no rulebook. There’s no rhyme or reason to love. No logic. No checklist. For some people, it takes a lifetime to find someone, for others, a weekend. For me? A week. You got to know her very well in only a few days. And Sam,” his mother said, putting her arm around his shoulders. “She sounds worth knowing. Does she love you, too?”

He rubbed his jaw with his thumb and forefinger. “I don’t know. She had feelings for me. I know for sure. She told me. I could see…” He closed his eyes tightly, reviewing their final conversation in his head. “I think I might have blown it, Mom. At the end, I-I might have—”

“Sam?”

“Hmm?” He looked up at her, searching her face for hope.

She took his cheeks between her cold hands and smiled at him tenderly. “Sam. When you finally find what you want, you have to claim it. No matter what. Go back to Montana. Go to Choteau or Great Falls or Gardiner. Go wherever you need to go. Figure it out. Don’t give up on her yet.”

***

He opened his laptop and let it warm up for a moment, pouring himself a beer. After he wrote the e-mail he would pack a bag. Not just a change of clothes this time; he planned to stay for a few days, at least. He’d drive out to Midway in the morning and make his way to Great Falls, probably via Minneapolis. He’d made the trip 100 times by car; it wasn’t so bad by plane.

He sat down on his black leather sofa and pulled the laptop onto his lap, double-clicking on his e-mail icon. He stared at the screen for a moment, thinking about Kristian so far away from Ingrid, so far away from home. How do I start? He hadn’t written to Kris since the brief e-mail he’d sent from the Billings airport to tell him he was a married man. Just start typing, man. It’ll come to you.

Dear Kris,

Been a few weeks since I got back from MT. How’s married life? Just kidding. I’m an idiot. How was your Christmas? I hope you’re staying safe and that you’ll have some leave soon. I am sure you and Ingrid will be spending whatever time you get near her in Germany. I was glad to hear that she was moved to the big army hospital there so that she’s out of harm’s way; she’s a great medic, but she shouldn’t be out in the field in her condition. Speaking of, I’m guessing Baby Sven is coming sometime in the late spring. Will she be coming home then? If I can help in any way, you just let me know.