“I’m not doing it,” he says.
His voice sounds a lot more certain than he looks, but I’ve said my piece. I’ve said it all.
“I’ll find someone else,” I tell him. “Don’t worry about it. If you don’t want him, I’ll find someone who does.”
“Some fucking random?!”
“I guess so.”
He shakes his head. “Just quit your job. Tell him you got off on the wrong foot, he may never know, not if you give him your real name and pretend it was a false alias.”
“He knows Amy is a real person. He looked her up.”
I hate the way his eyes bore into me. “He looked her up?!”
“Yeah. I had no idea he would.”
He rubs his temples. “She knows me. She knows you. What the hell if he turns up at her door? What the fuck do we do then?”
It’s nothing I haven’t thought about myself. Nothing that hasn’t niggled me at night before I fall asleep.
“I’ll tell him,” I say. “I’ll quit cleaning and I’ll tell him my real name, just as soon as he’s fucked another man. I’ll tell him the very next week.”
He laughs a cynical laugh.
“I will!” I insist. “I’ll tell him. I just need this final piece of the puzzle! This one last thing!”
“Gay sex?!”
I nod. “So he knows I’m all in. With everything.”
“Fucking hell,” he hisses. “This is so fucking fucked up!”
I don’t argue with him.
I squeeze his arm as I head for bed. My fingers link his and tug before I reach the door.
“Forget I said anything,” I tell him. “It’s cool.”
He doesn’t say a word as I close the door behind me.
I hear him pace around the place as I climb into bed. I hear him clear up the wine glasses a few minutes later.
And then nothing.
Silence.
I’m half asleep when the tap on my door comes.
The clock says half three a.m.
He eases the door open, and I feel the weight of him on the bottom of my bed.
I’m reaching for my nightlight when he tells me to stop.
“What is it?” I ask. “Are you okay?”
I can’t see him nod. I can only hear him breathe.
“You’ll just be watching? No like… touching or…”
“Of course no touching. This is just… him… with a guy…”
“Fifty-fifty?”
“You can have the whole three grand if you want it.”
I’m not tired at all as I wait in the darkness.
Sleep has well and truly given up the ghost as I wait for Dean to spit out whatever he’s thinking.
“I’ll do it,” he whispers. “Just once. So you don’t need to… find someone.”
I lunge for him, but he holds me back before I can hug him.
“Wait!” he snaps. “There are conditions!”
My heart pounds as I wait for them.
“If I let him fuck me, you quit cleaning afterwards. No fucking about, Lissa. If the guy fucks my ass to make your crazy fucking plan work out for you, you quit and you tell him your real name. You make this real, or you walk away.”
My mouth is so dry. “Okay.”
“Okay?”
I nod, even though he can’t see me. “Yeah, that’s a deal. He fucks you, I quit my cleaning job.”
“And you tell him your real name?”
I pause for just a heartbeat. “Yeah.”
He sighs. “I can’t believe I’m fucking doing this.”
And neither can I.
He gets to his feet, and heads for the door, and I still can’t believe it. I still have to hear the words.
“You’re saying you’ll let him fuck you? You’re saying you’ll do it? For me?”
“No,” he says before he closes the door. “I’m saying I’ll do it for me.”
Chapter Thirty-Four
Alexander
I confirm first thing Monday morning that the boys will be changing schools. Brenda draws up the letters I dictate to her, and I sign them off with a shaky hand before she faxes them through to their headmaster.
I send Claire an email telling her it’s done, and also telling her the boys are free to attend Terry’s shitty kids’ club on a Sunday afternoon.
My whole world is spinning on its fucking axis.
My mouth is parched no matter how many Americanos Brenda brings me from the coffee shop next door.
I’m listless in my client meetings and I’m clumsy with the board report amendments that need my bastard input.
I hate how out of control I feel. I hate the wriggling worm of vulnerability in my gut.
I hate how painful it feels to find my heart still beating.
I’m staring into the abyss today, but whereas I normally rely on Brutus to be my sobering factor, I now have another anchor in the storm.