“Forget it, Lissa.”
We sit in silence. He tops up our wine and takes a forkful of noodles from his takeout tub.
“You want him, right?” I ask, and he stops chewing. “You said you’d do him for free. I’m saying you don’t need to. I’m saying fifty-fifty, maybe just once if you want… but just think about it…”
“Are you fucking nuts?”
I shake my head. “I’m serious, Dean. He wants men. He told me.”
“He fucking told you?”
“Yes.”
He swallows. “No.”
“No?”
“No, Lissa. This shit is way too fucking much.”
“He wants men. And if I give it to him… if I like it too…”
“If you give it to him then what?” he snaps. “Have you even listened to yourself? Crystals and music, whatever, but this is…”
“Crazy, right?” I finish. “Maybe it’s crazy, yeah. But maybe it’ll be the ace in my deck, maybe it’ll be the thing that makes him really fall in love with me.”
He looks at me as though I’ve suddenly grown an extra head. “Jesus wept, Lissa. Have you heard yourself?”
My stomach is in knots as I look at him.
“I don’t want it to be some random,” I tell him. “I don’t want to hook up with some random guy who doesn’t know what he’ll be… getting into…”
“Being choked half to death you mean? Sure, it might be a tough fucking sell, Lissa. No shit.”
I sip my wine. “Forget it, then.”
“I already have,” he says, but he’s lying. His eyes are wide and angry, but he shifts in his seat and crosses his legs, and I know. I just know.
“You want him. I know you do.”
“Not like that, I don’t.”
“But you do, don’t you? You can’t stop thinking about him either.”
“That’s bullshit!” he snaps, but it’s not.
I remember his face when I told him all the gory details. The way he swallowed when I told him how Alexander chokes me to the brink. How it made me feel. How Alexander makes me feel…
“The guy’s fucked up,” he says.
“But you want him.”
“I want a lot of things…”
“Fifty-fifty,” I say. “One night. You get to have him.”
“And what the fuck will you be doing?” His jaw is so tight.
“Watching,” I say. “Just watching, Dean. It’s not like we… I won’t be…”
He shakes his head. “Don’t even talk about it. I’m gay, Lissa, I just can’t even.”
It’s the first time he’s said it out loud. His words hang in the air as I take a breath.
“You already knew.” He shrugs. “It’s not news.”
“No,” I say. “It’s not news.” I swirl the wine in my glass. “I mean it. I wouldn’t be… involved. It’s about Alexander, and you.”
“There is no Alexander and me,” he snaps. “I’ve never even met the guy.”
“But you could…”
He gets to his feet. I know he’s considering it when he begins pacing. He doesn’t want to admit it, but he is.
I give him space.
I’m finding that works pretty well lately.
“How would you even swing it? What you gonna say? Hey, Mr Henley, this is Dean, my best fucking friend. He looks after my brother for me while I’m out playing hooker.”
His words cut, but I don’t say a thing.
“Hey, Mr Henley, this is Dean. He’s a sad little virgin guy who jerks off to your picture every fucking night and thinks about taking it in the ass. Is that what you’re gonna fucking say, Lissa?”
I can’t keep my silence. “You’re a virgin?!”
He groans. “Don’t act so surprised. You were a fucking virgin a few weeks ago.”
I feel my shot. It’s a whisper on the wind. A glimmer of a chance.
“I was a virgin until him. And he was the best experience of my life. He was everything.” I’m being honest. My smile is all real as I remember how he took me, how he made it feel so good. “Fine, if you don’t want to do it for me, do it for yourself.”
“For me?!”
“Yeah,” I say. “For you. Do it because you want him. Do it because he’s everything. Do it because he’ll be the most amazing experience you’ll ever have.”
“With you there cheerleading from the sidelines?”
“You’ll forget I’m even there, I promise.”
“You promise?!” His laugh sounds as crazy as I feel.
I finish up my wine. “I need to go to bed. I have work tomorrow.”