Buy Me, Sir(49)

Melissa



Dean and I have finished up half a bottle of wine before I'm brave enough to broach the subject.

He shifts in his seat as I turn to face him, knowing full well I'm about to rope him into something shady.

"No," he says, just like that. "Whatever it is, no."

"You don't even … "

He shakes his head. "It involves Henley, right? Some crazy plan? Another crazy plan?"

"Well, maybe …  but it's not … "

"Forget it, Lissa."

We sit in silence. He tops up our wine and takes a forkful of noodles from his takeout tub.

"You want him, right?" I ask, and he stops chewing. "You said you'd do  him for free. I'm saying you don't need to. I'm saying fifty-fifty,  maybe just once if you want …  but just think about it … "

"Are you fucking nuts?"

I shake my head. "I'm serious, Dean. He wants men. He told me."

"He fucking told you?"

"Yes."

He swallows. "No."

"No?"

"No, Lissa. This shit is way too fucking much."

"He wants men. And if I give it to him …  if I like it too … "

"If you give it to him then what?" he snaps. "Have you even listened to yourself? Crystals and music, whatever, but this is … "

"Crazy, right?" I finish. "Maybe it's crazy, yeah. But maybe it'll be  the ace in my deck, maybe it'll be the thing that makes him really fall  in love with me."

He looks at me as though I've suddenly grown an extra head. "Jesus wept, Lissa. Have you heard yourself?"

My stomach is in knots as I look at him.

"I don't want it to be some random," I tell him. "I don't want to hook  up with some random guy who doesn't know what he'll be …  getting into … "

"Being choked half to death you mean? Sure, it might be a tough fucking sell, Lissa. No shit."

I sip my wine. "Forget it, then."

"I already have," he says, but he's lying. His eyes are wide and angry,  but he shifts in his seat and crosses his legs, and I know. I just know.

"You want him. I know you do."

"Not like that, I don't."

"But you do, don't you? You can't stop thinking about him either."

"That's bullshit!" he snaps, but it's not.

I remember his face when I told him all the gory details. The way he  swallowed when I told him how Alexander chokes me to the brink. How it  made me feel. How Alexander makes me feel …

"The guy's fucked up," he says.

"But you want him."

"I want a lot of things … "

"Fifty-fifty," I say. "One night. You get to have him."

"And what the fuck will you be doing?" His jaw is so tight.

"Watching," I say. "Just watching, Dean. It's not like we …  I won't be … "

He shakes his head. "Don't even talk about it. I'm gay, Lissa, I just can't even."

It's the first time he's said it out loud. His words hang in the air as I take a breath.

"You already knew." He shrugs. "It's not news."

"No," I say. "It's not news." I swirl the wine in my glass. "I mean it. I wouldn't be …  involved. It's about Alexander, and you."

"There is no Alexander and me," he snaps. "I've never even met the guy."

"But you could … "

He gets to his feet. I know he's considering it when he begins pacing. He doesn't want to admit it, but he is.

I give him space.

I'm finding that works pretty well lately.

"How would you even swing it? What you gonna say? Hey, Mr Henley, this  is Dean, my best fucking friend. He looks after my brother for me while  I'm out playing hooker."

His words cut, but I don't say a thing.

"Hey, Mr Henley, this is Dean. He's a sad little virgin guy who jerks  off to your picture every fucking night and thinks about taking it in  the ass. Is that what you're gonna fucking say, Lissa?"

I can't keep my silence. "You're a virgin?!"

He groans. "Don't act so surprised. You were a fucking virgin a few weeks ago."

I feel my shot. It's a whisper on the wind. A glimmer of a chance.

"I was a virgin until him. And he was the best experience of my life. He  was everything." I'm being honest. My smile is all real as I remember  how he took me, how he made it feel so good. "Fine, if you don't want to  do it for me, do it for yourself."         

     



 

"For me?!"

"Yeah," I say. "For you. Do it because you want him. Do it because he's  everything. Do it because he'll be the most amazing experience you'll  ever have."

"With you there cheerleading from the sidelines?"

"You'll forget I'm even there, I promise."

"You promise?!" His laugh sounds as crazy as I feel.

I finish up my wine. "I need to go to bed. I have work tomorrow."

"I'm not doing it," he says.

His voice sounds a lot more certain than he looks, but I've said my piece. I've said it all.

"I'll find someone else," I tell him. "Don't worry about it. If you don't want him, I'll find someone who does."

"Some fucking random?!"

"I guess so."

He shakes his head. "Just quit your job. Tell him you got off on the  wrong foot, he may never know, not if you give him your real name and  pretend it was a false alias."

"He knows Amy is a real person. He looked her up."

I hate the way his eyes bore into me. "He looked her up?!"

"Yeah. I had no idea he would."

He rubs his temples. "She knows me. She knows you. What the hell if he turns up at her door? What the fuck do we do then?"

It's nothing I haven't thought about myself. Nothing that hasn't niggled me at night before I fall asleep.

"I'll tell him," I say. "I'll quit cleaning and I'll tell him my real  name, just as soon as he's fucked another man. I'll tell him the very  next week."

He laughs a cynical laugh.

"I will!" I insist. "I'll tell him. I just need this final piece of the puzzle! This one last thing!"

"Gay sex?!"

I nod. "So he knows I'm all in. With everything."

"Fucking hell," he hisses. "This is so fucking fucked up!"

I don't argue with him.

I squeeze his arm as I head for bed. My fingers link his and tug before I reach the door.

"Forget I said anything," I tell him. "It's cool."

He doesn't say a word as I close the door behind me.

I hear him pace around the place as I climb into bed. I hear him clear up the wine glasses a few minutes later.

And then nothing.

Silence.



I'm half asleep when the tap on my door comes.

The clock says half three a.m.

He eases the door open, and I feel the weight of him on the bottom of my bed.

I'm reaching for my nightlight when he tells me to stop.

"What is it?" I ask. "Are you okay?"

I can't see him nod. I can only hear him breathe.

"You'll just be watching? No like …  touching or … "

"Of course no touching. This is just …  him …  with a guy … "

"Fifty-fifty?"

"You can have the whole three grand if you want it."

I'm not tired at all as I wait in the darkness.

Sleep has well and truly given up the ghost as I wait for Dean to spit out whatever he's thinking.

"I'll do it," he whispers. "Just once. So you don't need to …  find someone."

I lunge for him, but he holds me back before I can hug him.

"Wait!" he snaps. "There are conditions!"

My heart pounds as I wait for them.

"If I let him fuck me, you quit cleaning afterwards. No fucking about,  Lissa. If the guy fucks my ass to make your crazy fucking plan work out  for you, you quit and you tell him your real name. You make this real,  or you walk away."

My mouth is so dry. "Okay."

"Okay?"

I nod, even though he can't see me. "Yeah, that's a deal. He fucks you, I quit my cleaning job."

"And you tell him your real name?"

I pause for just a heartbeat. "Yeah."

He sighs. "I can't believe I'm fucking doing this."

And neither can I.

He gets to his feet, and heads for the door, and I still can't believe it. I still have to hear the words.

"You're saying you'll let him fuck you? You're saying you'll do it? For me?"

"No," he says before he closes the door. "I'm saying I'll do it for me."





Chapter Thirty-Four





Alexander



I confirm first thing Monday morning that the boys will be changing  schools. Brenda draws up the letters I dictate to her, and I sign them  off with a shaky hand before she faxes them through to their headmaster.

I send Claire an email telling her it's done, and also telling her the  boys are free to attend Terry's shitty kids' club on a Sunday afternoon.         

     



 

My whole world is spinning on its fucking axis.

My mouth is parched no matter how many Americanos Brenda brings me from the coffee shop next door.

I'm listless in my client meetings and I'm clumsy with the board report amendments that need my bastard input.