My cupboards are embarrassingly barren, and for the first time in months I take a detour from my usual dog-walking route, looping Brutus' lead over a post outside the late-night store while I nip inside and grab a handbasket.
I run through the things I like. Some organic muesli and some fresh peaches. A pot of luxury Greek yoghurt that I think Claire bought me once when we were on some weird health kick. Dark chocolate with orange segments, the most expensive on the shelf.
I'm losing my fucking mind and I know it as I check out. Selling out my sanity for some grandiose illusion that a moment with a terrified cleaner in a dark office meant something. That the note in my pocket is anything other than a kind young girl being polite to her employer.
Brutus sniffs the shopping bag as I retrieve his lead, and it amuses me to think the grumpy old beast knows so much more about the mystery woman than I do. What's surprising in itself is that the teething period with a new member of staff in the house has been surprisingly dog-issue free. I was expecting at least one emergency call out as she'd found herself trapped in a room with a growling Brutus on the other side of the door. But no. Nothing.
Maybe he likes her.
I trust his judgement as much as I trust my own. We're two peas in a very cynical pod, him and I, and yet he's accepted an intruder without spilling any of their blood over the carpet.
"What do you think, boy?" I ask him as we walk. "Is she nice?"
His ears prick at the sound of my voice, his tongue lolling as we pace the final stretch back to home turf.
"Let's see if she likes a bit of muesli in the morning, shall we?"
Brutus pads through to the kitchen as we head inside, as though he knows. He parks his stinky arse on the tiles and stares up at me as I unpack the shopping. I take one of Claire's flouncy old serving trays from the bottom cupboard and arrange a display on the kitchen island. Muesli and a fresh peach, one of my finest china cereal bowls and a silver spoon from the cutlery drawer. And the chocolate. Of course the chocolate.
I take a fresh piece of paper from my writing pad and pen her another note.
Your bacon was a superb suggestion. Here's one of mine.
Muesli with chopped peach. A generous spoon of Greek yoghurt (fridge) covered with a fine grating of dark chocolate.
Let me know your thoughts.
Regards, AH.
I fold the note on the tray and head up to bed before I can think better of it.
Melissa
Dean and I shopped on the internet last night, looking for cheap second-hand designer bargains to carry off the illusion that I'm a high-class woman worthy of high-class clients.
I've spent the final scraps of my wages on this crazy quest, but I've got a few outfits on their way which look as though they'll do the job for me. A slinky pink gown with a killer split, some sparkly heels, a faded pair of designer jeans and a trendy cami-top. A fitted jacket was the most extravagant of my purchases, but the weather is shitty at this time of year, and I'll need it unless I want to freeze my tits off on the way to meet CF at his swanky sale room.
My appointment is on Friday at eight p.m.
In the interim I have my new gig at the soup kitchen this evening, and I have to pull that off, too. My trial run in my new identity.
Dean helped me concoct the perfect cover story. A girl named Amy Randall, aged twenty-one, older sister of Dean's friend Sammy that we used to go to school with. It's her details that Dean messaged over to a dodgy contact lower down on the estate last night. He says they owe him a favour, so last night he disappeared with one of my passport photos and came back with the promise they'll deliver a convincing fake ID in time for my Friday meet up.
I hope he's right.
It feels weird to steal someone else's identity, especially someone I vaguely know. But I need any background checks to hold true. My fake address is Amy Randall's real address, my fake date of birth is her real one, stolen from Facebook along with every other scrap of info we could find on there.
Her social media is locked down pretty tight, just a photo of her cat as a profile picture to anything other than friends.
I hope it'll be enough to hold my cover.
Leaving Dean in charge of Joe for so much of the working week makes me feel guilty, but I try not to dwell too hard on that, just focus on the time we do have and keep on pushing for the better future I have planned for him. For us.
He doesn't seem to care, just as long as he has someone to play choo-choo trains and make his dinner just so. Dean's doing a sterling job on both fronts.
Dean's also doing a sterling job of hiding his attraction to Alexander Henley. There's still no mention of the pictures on his phone, still nothing more than fear that the guy is some kind of crazy psychopath out to spill virgin blood.
Maybe if I pull this off … maybe if he sees that I lived through a night with Alexander Henley and managed to walk back through the door as right as rain.
If I walk back through the door as right as rain.
If I get a night with Alexander Henley at all.
Brutus doesn't growl at me this morning. I swear he could be smiling, his tongue flopping out the side, eyes bright, and my heart blooms at the triumph. I give him a fish treat without even thinking about his scary teeth, and he settles down nicely on his big cushion once he's chomped it into nothing.
I'm getting used to the routine here. Polishing the table and washing out the whisky tumbler. Cleaning out the inkwell and shining it up to perfection.
The dusting and the vacuuming, and the gorgeous scent of Mr Henley on his dirty laundry.
The sad music of his alarm clock still playing more mornings than not.
There's no pan on the hob this morning, and I'm a little disappointed until I notice the tray on the island. At first I think it's his dirty breakfast bowl, but his is in the sink, already soaking.
Muesli and peach, and some fancy looking dark chocolate, and a note.
A NOTE!
My throat is so dry I can barely swallow.
Your bacon was a superb suggestion. Here's one of mine.
Muesli with chopped peach. A generous spoon of Greek yoghurt (fridge) covered with a fine grating of dark chocolate.
Let me know your thoughts.
Regards, AH.
I have to read it through at least five times before it really sinks in.
He wants me to eat breakfast. His breakfast.
I have no idea why, and my mind spins, trying to work out if this is some kind of weird test to try my professionalism. To eat the muesli or not to eat the muesli?
Of course I have to eat the muesli. I want to eat the muesli.
I want to eat the whole damn lot and lick the bowl clean.
I follow his instructions exactly, chopping up the peach into neat chunks and adding it to the bowl along with the cereal. A dollop of yoghurt from the fridge, and I find the grater, unwrap the chocolate so carefully to use just a little.
My heart is a fluttery mess as I spoon up the first mouthful, my eyes still fixed on that note, looking for hidden meaning.
AH.
His note says he wants my thoughts. Like my opinion matters.
Why does my opinion matter to him?
Why does he even care?
I'd have lied about the breakfast even if it tasted like crap, but it doesn't. It tastes delicious. The perfect mix of tart and creamy, a mix of tastes that blend into this yummy goodness.
I feel young again, excited like when Mum let me have the lump of cream from the top of the milk bottle on my cereals in the morning. A real treat.
I haven't really eaten breakfast … not since they …
Not since we used to eat together in the morning, all of us crammed in the kitchen with our cereal bowls in our hands, bickering and laughing before we went our separate ways.
A normal family. A happy family.
And now it's all gone.
No. That's not true. Joe's not all gone, and I'm not all gone, and while there are still two of us we're still family. Just a much smaller one now.
But not as small as Alexander Henley's, just him and Brutus in this huge place, eating alone.
I have no idea what to reply to him. No idea how to sound like a gushing food critic, so I don't try.
Peach, muesli, yoghurt and chocolate are a delicious combination. Thank you so much, Mr Henley, sir.
Warmest regards,
Your cleaner.
I look at the note. Read it back to myself. Your cleaner sounds so dull. So cold.
I add an MM to the bottom, and hope that's not too unprofessional.
AH and MM.
MH.
In my dreams.
I smile to myself, wrap the rest of the chocolate up neatly and put it in the fridge. I clear the muesli away into one of the cupboards and get rid of my peach stone, wiping the side down as though I've never been here.
And then I take Brutus out.
Today's the first time I don't have to tug him over the threshold.
I think he may actually like me.
It's a rush to get home and change before heading out to my New Start meeting.
My heart is in my mouth as I plaster a smile on my face and push my way between the swing doors.
Amy Randall, Amy Randall, Amy Randall.
"Hi, I'm Amy," I tell the gathered volunteers, and one of them steps forward with his hand outstretched. His smile is big and bright.