Buy Me Sir(121)
“It’s not so bad now.” I take a breath to illustrate and it’s not nearly so raspy as it was before.
“Tell me everything,” he says. “I’m listening.”
“You don’t have to,” I tell him. “I fucked up so bad.”
“Yeah, well. We’ve both done things we’re not proud of. I nearly fucking killed you.”
“You promised you wouldn’t kill me,” I whisper. “I believed you.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t have.”
“But you didn’t,” I say. “You didn’t kill me.”
“By good fortune, Lissa, nothing more.”
But I don’t believe him. I saw the relief in his eyes as I opened mine, and it wasn’t just panic.
I saw through the panic. His eyes still cared about me.
I don’t know where to start. I’m still thinking it through when he speaks.
“Your friend Sonnie told me we met before. You were the girl with the sparkly tobacco tin.”
My eyes meet his. “You remember?”
“It had hearts on it,” he says. “Glittery hearts.”
“I used to fantasise about you recognising me one day. But you didn’t.”
“You were a kid,” he says. “I saw a million kids that week.”
“But only one with a sparkly tobacco tin.”
“You had darker hair,” he said.
“I dyed it for you,” I tell him. “Because I saw those pictures of Debbie Harry in your storage room.”
“I gathered as much.”
I take a deep breath. It feels so good to breathe. “This isn’t how it was supposed to be. I was going to be a lawyer, just like you. I was going to go to uni and become the very best, and then I was going to come for a job with you. I thought if we were colleagues… I thought if I could impress you…”
“You planned that all those years ago?”
I nod. “I worked hard for straight-As all the way through the rest of high school, all the way through college, too.”
He squeezes my shoulder and I know then that Sonnie told him.
I feel the tears welling up before I’ve even said another word.
“My parents were out for their anniversary. Dad took Mum out to the place they met, a little Italian place they loved. I was babysitting for Joe. I told them to have a good time. They were really happy, Dad bought Mum orchids, they were her favourite.”
“You don’t have to tell me this,” he says, but I want to. I want him to know everything.
“It was a stupid rich kid who hit them, driving his dad’s car way over the speed limit. The police said he didn’t slow down, didn’t even see them.”
“Did they prosecute?”
I shake my head. “Rich lawyer, not enough evidence. Circumstantial, they said. He had a good college record.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I didn’t think I’d ever get up. I didn’t think I could go on living. But I have a little brother, Joseph. He wasn’t even twelve months old.”
“You take care of him?”
I nod. “I quit college and claimed benefits for a while, but I hated it. That isn’t what I want for Joe. My parents worked hard, I want him to see me work hard too. So my friend Dean sleeps on my sofa, he said he’d take care of Joe so I could find a job. I found yours, and I hoped… I hoped maybe… if I could just be close to you…”
“You were close to me,” he hisses. “I bought you peaches and fucking chocolate. I left you fucking notes. A bottle of wine.” He sighs. “I chased you down the fucking street, Lissa. Why the fuck didn’t you stop for me? Why the fuck did you choose to lie instead?”
I prop myself up on an elbow and my heart is racing. “I was your cleaner. I was a nobody. I am a nobody, and you’re… everything.”
“I chased you down the fucking street, Melissa. Jesus Christ.” He’s angry again. His body is so rigid. I want to touch him but I don’t dare.
“I was already in with Claude. I’d already filmed that slutty video. If I’d gone back when you called, if I’d introduced myself before you’d seen it and then you did…”
“I wouldn’t have fucking seen it!” he hisses. “I’d already quit that shit. I was going cold fucking turkey, going fucking insane over a cleaner I’d never fucking met.”
I didn’t know.
How it fucking hurts.
“I’m sorry,” I say again. “I thought if I could just… be someone… if I could love what you love… maybe you’d love me like I love you.”
“So you lied? Snooped on me, and dug into all my fucking things, and then lied to me? Played me like a fucking fool?”